I LOVE YOU BUT NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU

Have your spouse told you this? What does this means and how does it makes you feel?

Now for me even though my H and I have been separated off and on for 4 yrs. My Love for him never changed.

H say's he love me but not in love with me. Is it crazy for me to understand his feelings because of the lenght of time we been separated and his 2yr relationship with OW

Am I suppose to understand where he's coming from about his feelings for me?
H also said he has to learn me all over again because I changed. I didn't get angry I was just wondering why am I not crushed by this and me being so understanding of his feeling inspite the fact I'm still inlove with him.

Shouldn't I be devastated and feel like the love can't be restored or it's going to take some work.

<small>[ September 08, 2002, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

Yes, my H has told me this. I don't really know what to tell you - I'll leave that to more experienced people in here (also in the middle of my own crisis and can't think straight). I believe though that alot of WS have said this their BS so you're not alone........

I, myself, was the one who said those words to my BS. What I meant was that I still loved him, but didn't feel the romantic, gushy, all-consuming emotions one usually acquaints with being "in love" with someone.

Now I understand that love is a choice, a decision, an action. To feel in love takes work, effort. The "in love" feeling one ususally has at the beginning of a relationship is usually infatuation and wanes when the newness wears off and reality sets in.

I do think its possible to recapture those romantic feelings after they have been lost. But it takes time and effort. Which seems to go against everything we've ever heard about being in love. Society and story books make it seem like it should just happen - magically - spontaneously. But I don't think true love is like that at all.

Remember the song from the movie Fiddler on the Roof where the husband asks the wife "do you love me?" And the wife replies that for 25 years I've cooked and cleaned for you, stood by you, etc., etc. So if that's not love, then what is? I used to think that was such a sad song. But now I realize that there's a lot to be said for going the distance with someone, for sticking with each other through thick and thin.

If husband says he loves you, but isn't in love with you, I think its more to do with feelings than anything else. And feelings change moment by moment. I don't think its any reason to feel discouraged, but rather, realize that its a good starting point to build on and make the effort to bring back those romantic feelings.

Ok,

This will definately be my #1 question on my next poll. I think every BS has heard that quote.

I always felt like when my H said those words he was justifying why he sought love from someone else. Implying that I was incapable of giving him that "in love" feeling.

Harley talks about that in love vs. loving feelings.

I like to think of being in love as being high on your spouse. Like NoPlace said, it takes work on both parts to get that feeling.

And it has peaks and valleys. But the loving is what sustains the relationship when you are in the valley.

Read the stuff Harley writes on love vs. in love. And get you H to read it too. He might learn a thing a two about what's going on inside of him.

good luck,
Z.

Thanks Dump Z, NPLH

At first I felt nothing, when I returned home that's when all the feelings of hurt etc. came.

H. even said the things I done while we where separated was crude ball. I asked H what did I do.
he talked about me spying on him which I did.

H. would come home from work. I would be on the corner waiting to see, if he had anyone with him
this happened while we were separated.

The reason I was spying not trying to justify. H and I were still intimate. I would ask him was he seeing anyone else he would tell me no. I felt different in my heart so I would spy.

I caught him, other times his neighbors would give me information, or his co-workers. Me doing my spying, that's how I got my information.

Which H. thinks it's crude ball if that's the correct spelling. I asked him was it crude ball what exOW did to him. H said we are not talking about her we are talking about us.

I notice he spend alot of time pointing fingers at me, looking at all the things I've done.
I have to bring to his attention all the things he has done. Sometimes he will listen then others times he may say he's sorry or tell me I overreacted.

I did tell H. I find it so ironic that my feelings for him never changed. I may not have liked what he did, but I never stopped loving him.

I also explained, how when he became angry at me, how easily I was replaced. How he could so easily stop loving me.

I also told H from this point on H has to initiate
comunications. I will not call him.I will not be a doormat, I'll give him time to go through whatever he has to go through, but I'm getting older I need companionship also.

I will be open to meeting people, see were it goes from there. H told me I take things the wrong way. I agreed maybe I do and that comes from how he use to respond to me. He just listened, then I could tell he was sleepy, so I let him go , he has the work in the morning.

H lives 1000 miles away from me. I even told him I would be willing to relocate just to be with him.

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 11:45 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>