Are ya'll tired of me yet; H is. He waited until the kids went to bed and then started in on me about this weekend. I'm in between mad as hell and bawling so bear with me-my mind is going about 20 different directions at once. I know alot of what he said is fog but it still hurts.

I don't really know where to begin, but I know if I don't get it off my chest that I'll never get any sleep.

1. H accused me of being with the guy I saw while we were separated almost 2 years ago. I haven't spoken to this guy since deciding to come home almost two years ago-were only separated a month.

2. H accused me of being out half the night and going to do something besides getting my nails done Friday night.

3. He had the nerve to compare me staying at my mother's (the guy lives in the same town) to him staying the night in LA (OW's state) when he wasn't working there. I don't see how this compares (apples and oranges) since I haven't talked to the guy in almost 2 years and he still has contact with her.

4. H says he is handling her situation the best way he knows how and I told him there were other ways of handling it. H seems to think that I want him to be an @sshole; I told him no that there are ways of handling it without being an @sshole but at the same time with everyone being in their place. Didn't use those exact words - trying to shorten this, lol.

5. H thinks an apology is an ultimatum because he either has to accept it and live with it or not and leave. HUH????? I told him, "Yeah, I guess if you want to look at it that way." I didn't know what else to say because he lost me on that one.

6. Made the statement that if he went out and screwed some girl tomorrow and then said I'm sorry it won't happen again and then he went and screwed her again after that (once again I consider comparing apples to oranges) that all he would have to do is apologize??? "No way that would go over, huh?" was his comment. My thoughts were well you've done it so far, haven't you but I only told him that he was once again comparing apples to oranges.

7. I tried to remain calm, but I did snap once. I told him that he wanted me, he wanted OW, he wanted his cake and eat it to and that was BS.

8. I told H that if he wanted to leave, to go ahead, I wasn't stopping him. His response was "Why would I have came back here if I wanted to leave?" I didn't reply because my only thought was one that would have started a fight.

9. H is making comments about he's glad I can come in here and have people to talk to because he doesn't (has OW doesn't he, sorry b*tch mode is kicking in the more I write). I told him he would be more than welcomed here and you all would talk to him. His response was, "No they're all already biased." So I don't know how long I'll be posting in here since it seems to bother him.

10. Everything is fine in his eyes until I make one mistake and then it all goes to hell again. My thoughts (didn't say them) were well you're still making mistakes and making no effort I see to correct them so SHUT UP.

11. Conversation ended by him saying that he was sorry (being an [censored]), it was all his fault and he would correct it. I did nothing wrong. I told him no that I did do wrong, but he just ignored me and kept saying it was his fault.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can do fine and everything's great around here, but if I mess up (so sorry I'm human) everything goes to pot. I know most of this is fog, of course I couldn't figure out a way to convey this to him--probably wouldn't have done any good anyway. Only restarted this Plan A last week (no more angry outbursts--admit I slipped once tonight) and don't think it's time for Plan B yet - too early.

Why do I let him get to me? I tried to walk away like I told him I would and he would say fine then walk away we're done talking? What do you do then???? Continue walking or come back? I came back, but would not say anything to him. SOB had the nerve to make a smart comment to me and wink when he said it--thoughts again of knocking the sense out of his head. I think it would take a baseball bat though instead of a slap. Sorry Catnip, I didn't do it, but oh how I wanted to.

I just wanted to thank you all for listening--I don't know how much longer I can continue to post though without it becoming an LB. Why me, God? I would like an answer to that question. I'm going to go and try to get some sleep--starting a new job tomorrow.

Oh by the way, the only comment H had when I asked him if he had read the letter was to tell me yes he read it. He then started b*tching because when he came in and asked me if anything new had been going on I told him no and didn't tell him about the cell phone. H said that I should have included that when he asked me what exactly all I did-when I tried to tell him that I was talking about Friday night and Saturday morning he said, "Okay so if you don't ask me about every single minute then I don't have to tell you, right?" ARG!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

dumplin:

When one spouse is fighting, you have a couple of options:

1. Join in the fray

2. Take it as an opportunity to try to learn what's bothering the other spouse, and attempt to address the concerns. With apologies, if necessary.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now, you wanted info on questionnaires. I'd definitely point you to some old posts, but you and H should be working on lovebusters first. Find my contributions to the posts...
Post #1
Post #2
Post #3, where young kathi (kam...) has just started posting to the MB website
Post #4.

See how consistent I am...

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

Dumplin,
i bet there is something bothering him. I am sure he knows that you are not having A. Maybe, he is just looking for justification for his actions.

Did you have an A before?

Dawn

K,

Thanks for the links; I will have to check them out when I have more time.

Dawn,

Depends upon who you ask. I had a relationship with a guy from my hometown while H and I were separated because of his A. I had given up on our marriage and was moving on with my life; this guy was a family friend and I had grew up with him. So like I said, it depends upon who you ask. We were separated, but we were still married. This was before I found MB and thought my marriage was over since H had OW. Hard to explain (I regret it) but H came to my mother's house and was lighting his cigarettes with the Zippo she had bought him and she had spent the night here in my house in my bed. That was almost two years ago and I immediately broke off all contact when I came home. I have seen or spoken to this person since except for when I accidentally ran into him at a gas station. I even moved jobs since he lived in the same town. This relationship was what caused me to come home because H called me crying and saying he felt like dying because I was with someone else.

Anyhow, it depends upon who you ask. I didn't honestly consider it an A since I had moved out, H had OW, and I thought we were headed for divorce and the marriage was over. H acts like I brought the guy home while living here and slept with him right in front of his eyes. H doesn't bring it up until he gets mad at me though.

dumplin:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyhow, it depends upon who you ask. I didn't honestly consider it an A since I had moved out, H had OW, and I thought we were headed for divorce and the marriage was over. H acts like I brought the guy home while living here and slept with him right in front of his eyes. H doesn't bring it up until he gets mad at me though. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You were married. You had a relationship outside of your husband. That constitutes an affair in most circles. And frankly, it's not your opinion that counts about this---it's your husband's. He's the one that you hurt by this action. Therefore, the 'naked' apology is a terrific response---no rationalization, no defensiveness---just an "I'm sorry for hurting you".

And of course, he owes you a few in return. Try not to get caught up in who's sins are worse. They're all problems---apologize, learn from them, and try to take steps to prevent them in the future.

K,

I have repeatedly apologized to H for this. I sincerely regret what I did. If you'll notice, I used past tense when I said "didn't" so I do realize it was an A. Heck, I didn't even see my own family for almost a month because I didn't go to hometown for fear of H thinking I was going to be with this guy. I don't honestly think H is worried about me having an A; he just uses it against me. I'm tired of apologizing to him for what I did while he's still doing his----that's what bothers me most. When H ended A in the past, it wasn't supposed to be brought back up in his opinion. Now, of course, he can shove mine in my face whenever he wants and it's okay.

Dumplin,

Well, from a FWS perspective(one that I felt was right in the past, but realize how stupid it/I was), this stratagey is used all the time when they feel bad/awful/guilty for the things they have done/are doing! In their ultra-foggy mind, they see it as justification for their mistakes, or making it not seem as bad as it truly is. In many cases, it's the "well he/she did it to me, so I can do it right back" mentality. They are trying to make themselves feel better, when they have realized how much you are hurting.

How to get your H to stop with the accusations and such, I couldn't tell you. In my case, the fog had been lifting for a while, but was, in a sence, trapped, as xOM was threatening to tell H about the A I'd had to "get back" at H for his first A! Everything did come out, and H and I were both "radically honest" with each other, but that was after xOM "forced" me to tell H. I wish that I could tell you what you need to do to get your H out of his fog, but I can't. All I can recommend is to continue to show him your love, but not to the point where you start to loose that love! Continue to post, and read up on all the resources available here! Use them as often as you can!

I hope that I helped.

Tigger

dumplin,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. Now, of course, he can shove mine in my face whenever he wants and it's okay.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it most certainly is not. I'd remind him the next time he pulls this stunt that if his goal is to have you treat him in a more loving manner, then he's certainly using strange methods to achieve it.

I didn't know if this was a recent thing or in the past. If he's just using it to justify his own bad behavior---it's not going to cut it. The major principle here at MB is the Rule of Protection---protect your spouse from your poor, thoughtless behaviors. There's no "it's OK because what my spouse did" clause attached.

It was in the past - almost two years ago when I left him for his affair that is still half-[censored] going on. Not in a very good mood right now, I came in from work and H is on the phone with OW--still is as a matter of fact. I know it's her because everytime I walked down the hall to get water for son's new turtle he would quit talking. I asked him if he wanted me to shut the door and he said if I wanted to so I shut the damn thing. Now I won't be interuppting his conversation by trying to get water for a dang turtle.

I printed out the Love Busters questionnaires and made a copy for H. I may wait until I calm down a little bit before I give it to him though or I may LB while giving him a form about LB's, lol.

I'm wondering about something though. I remember on the taped conversation where OW said something about defrauding Medicaid by not telling them about BF's insurance. Just got me to thinking - did she put his name on the birth certificate. If there's a question of it's if is his child, why would she have to worry about lying about him having insurance?????? Thinking about doing some more investigating that won't involve going through H's things. Does anyone know anything about getting copies of birth certificates if you have very limited information?

H got off the phone; I asked him who it was. At first, he just said a bunch of people. When I didn't say anything, he said it was his brother, his drummer, and OW. H went to go to his brother's to work on his truck and before he left he told me that things were going to get better. He didn't explain that and I didn't ask. H just said he didn't want me to walk around here mad and he wanted to let me know things were going to get better. I just told him okay; didn't know what else to say and didn't want to go into a big long drawn out discussion over it so I just let it go.

Checked out the birth certificate idea; no good. The state she had child in said that I couldn't get a copy of the birth certificate unless I was a relative--it is not considered public record. Oh well.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dumplin:
<strong>Checked out the birth certificate idea; no good. The state she had child in said that I couldn't get a copy of the birth certificate unless I was a relative--it is not considered public record. Oh well.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of those US Search guys can't help you get the birth certif???? How about a PI? Not sure if you said LA or CA.

Your items 4- 6 & 9-11 is very very similar to what mine said. YUCK!!!! Then we had 4 false recoveries with PBR claiming prego 2 and 3 and a stint at the county J facility!

The point is that I think it is time you identify your boundaries, set them down and implement. Don't look back, don't back down.

He now needs to put his words in to action and you need to let him know when his actions do not make you feel loved and safe. Put the onis on him Dumplin, not visa versa.

Hugz,
L.

Maybe it's because I haven't had any sleep; not tired for some reason, but what is "onis"? Sorry if it's something I should know but I'm lost on this one.

Hi Dumplin,

Don't worry.... 'onis' must be a CA word!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Onis - Ownership/responsibility.

L.

Hey Dump
There is a way you can get the birth cirtificate
if your H is the father. Pretend you are him, if you know OW information like her maiden name etc I'll get back to you and tell you the info you need but you can get it.

You just have to use your skills I'm in the process of getting my H OC birth cirtificate.
it can be done over the internet.

Orchid,

Thanks for the clarification--lol. I'm from AR and we are just a "bunch of country bumpkins" around here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MALC,

I think I'm going to let it slide for right now. If I pretend to be H and do this, it will be a LB and I know it. I also don't want to get the information if I have to lie to get it. Thanks for the suggestion though.

MALC

I'd like the recipe for getting the Birth Certificate! Tell me how...they live in NY.

Catnip =^^=

Another thing I just thought of--I don't know if H is listed as father on BC. H is saying she's not sure if it's his or the BF's. Now she mentioned defrauding the state by not telling state about BF's insurance so that got me to thinking that maybe BF is listed on BC--that's why I wanted to see it. Not in a very good mood so I'm very skeptical right now and thinking I've been lied to this whole time (once again) so forgive me if I come across as harsh--not meant against anyone in here.

I don't know the laws in MS (where she had baby), but H told me (lol, like I believe him right now) that she could list anyone as the father and they didn't have to be there to sign or agree. I know here in AR, you have to have the father present and he has to sign the BC. I know you are all going to say I should check the MS laws, but I don't really care. I figure H lied to me so why go prove myself right again????