I have been married for 13 years to a man that I married out of a crisis decision. I had my first child when I was 18 and I broke up with the father. I wound up meeting a man that "had a job,truck,&apartment"& against all wisdom I married so that he could take care of me and my 6mth old baby. Long story short, I married not for love. We have had children...9 months ago, I found out that my first sons father still loves me....I still loved him all these years...everything I read is about restoring love, but I never had it to start with and have been hanging out all these years. Now what? Can I create feelings that where never there? He's a nice man and good father, but I have loved someone else for 15 years! Help! Any wisdom? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sure, but you aren't gonna like it.

You said you broke up with the father, then say that you loved the father for 15 years. How does this make sense? Why did you break up with him in the first place? Why aren't those reasons valid now?

Obviously you can't *make* somebody love somebody. No Love potion number 9.

If you think that somebody here is going to tell you to dump your hubby and run to your old boyfriend, I do not think you will find that advice here.

You have children with this new husband and just as much an obligation to them to have them with their father as you do for your first-born son be with the father he has grown up with.

And here's something else to keep in mind. That ootzy gushy lovey-dovey stuff that you have at first young love, it doesn't last. And after that, the real work of building a truly loving relationship and all that entails begins.

There's no guarantee of any kind that you would have any kind of successful marriage or relationship with the original boyfriend.

Here it looks like (using your own words), that you have a nice man and a good father, and the person not working on the relationship is yourself.

I appreciate the candor!! I just don't know what to do with the feelings....I have always had a great relationship with the father and he has always been in weekly if not more contact with our son.....he comes to every function,etc. He didn't want me to marry, I did it out of spite <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I was a kid and so was he. I am just trying to be honest! I want to have these feelings for my husband, and I have earnestly tried. I believe that the father and I have had an emotional affair. I need to know how to shut it down when I have to see him and talk with him on a regular basis. Once again, I do appreciate the candor..I wouldn't be asking if I ultimately didn't want to improve my marriage!!

How does your husband feel about the time you need to spend with your son's father? Does he feel threatened in any way?

First of all, I would limit the contact with the childs father, I know he needs to see his child, but you don't have to see him too.
Second of all loving someone is a decision you make, same way when you meet someone new, you decide whether or not you like them
and lastly, try asking God to give you love/attention for your H until you can do that on your own

First love is very powerful and very real. I am curious that this is just now becoming an issue after 13 years of contact with the father. I am not discounting your feelings and in fact we are supposed to be hard wired to our "first loves". It's hard to live in a loveless marriage but perhaps you are not giving your husband the chance because you still love your old boyfriend. Your husband would obviously be the best bet for the well-being of your children...tough. In worst case, it helps to think about all the negative qualities of the one you are ruminating on despite your efforts to block it. there are books on this topic of how to fall out of love. good luck in any case