Hello All,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm not feeling to good tonight. H and I had a session tonight with our therapist and we tried to talk about how we're going to deal with the OC if it's his. I hurt so bad because H seems to be pretty SURE that this is his child and I can tell that he wants to be a part of this child's life. I don't really have a problem with him being a part of this child's life as long as he and OW know that the affair is really over. During the session it was confirmed that H and OW are still contacting each other via phone. This makes me feel as though H is still not being truthful and continues to stab me in the back. During the session H said that I and the OW can never be caught in the same room because of the battles that we had when the affair was pushed in my face. H thinks he knows me so well and I'm beginning to realize that he does not have a clue about who I am. Here I am willing to compromise but Getting H to discuss this matter being honest mature and intelligent is like pulling teeth. I often feel that H protects this $2 hoe (oops) and has little respect for my feelings. If I left this up to H he would ignore everything and act as if this situation simply is not happening.

I've been reading the basic concepts and I've read plan A and plan B. How can I incorporate these principles when there's a possible OC in the PIC? This possibility seems to have a hold on my H. H does not seem to feel any shame and I'm full of shame humility and disgust. Am I wrong to ask H not to contact OW and to have him tell OW not to contact him? H said tonight that OW knows that he is not leaving home. He seemed to be pretty adamant about that. But that just because one is not leaving home does not necessarily mean that the heart is home.
Thanks you all for being here.

Hi R

You know I asked the same question how does one
incorporate Plan A Plan B when H thinks this child is his? How do you incorporated no contact when H wants contact becausE of child?

I do know that several women here, do very well with this because the BS spouse intiate contact nothing is done without the BS.

Vistitation and all are structured by the BS check on these boards and see how this is set up no decision is made unless the BS agrees.

Will a DNA TEST be performed my H is so adament about OC being his but family friends and myself don't believe this child is my H

H will not take a test. H has lied and said he's taken the test. I did my research and found out he didn't. Get a DNA TEST these women lie big time.

So Far H is willing to take the DNA and I wouldn't have it any other way. I view this a a wicked act. There's no telling what this OW is capable of.

This is just my opinion, and the way we worked it out, but there should never, ever be any contact whatsoever between the Wayward and the OP under any circumstances again. If the Betrayed is able to allow contact between the Wayward and the OC, then all contact and arrangements should be made through the Betrayed or a third party.

However, there should be no contact with the OC until the marriage has healed sufficiently from the damage the affair created in the marriage, and this can take months or years. Regardless, the Betrayed is the innocent and damaged party and the Wayward should acquiesce to what the Betrayed can tolerate until further notice because it is the least he can do.

The marriage comes first and foremost above any third party, even OC. The restoration of the marriage and the healing of the Betrayed should be the one and only priority because until that is healed nothing else will work well for anyone involved.

A Wayward's misplaced guilt damages the marriage further when they put an OC ahead of the Betrayed and the marriage, forcing the already damaged Betrayed back into second or third place, again. No healing can come of that arrangement. Only resentment and pain. And horrible, horrible dysfunction.

We have No Contact and will probably continue to have No Contact. The OW in our case called all the shots from day one and insisted on having and keeping a child she had no business getting pregnant with to begin with. She alone was in control of her body and being in her mid-thirties, was well aware of how to prevent something like this from happening. She also lacked morals and compassion and the sense of right and wrong and went into an afair with my husband knowing he was ill and knowing I was desperate to get him help. She didn't care. She had an agenda. She wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and nothing was going to stop her from getting what she wanted, and she didn't care how it hurt me, our marriage or changed our lives and finances. She just didn't care.

In my book, there is a penalty for that kind of selfishness.

Therefore, I am hard pressed to care what she is going through and feel she should just figure it all out for herself. She wanted the kid, she should bear the responsiblity. We will pay the monthly extortion, and the rest is up to her.

I am sorry for the OC, but it is not my sin. My husband's first obligation is to me. I was here first, he made a commitment 20 years ago to me, we have a history and a life together and what God has joined together, let no man (or woman) put asunder.

Your husband will have to determine what he wants more...you and the marriage or a relationship with the OC and work it out from there. If he wants the OC, then let him go. If he wants you and the marriage, then he should do everything he can to repair the damage and help you heal from the horrendous nightmare of having two selfish people alter the landscape of your life forever without you having one thing to say about it. If he is sincere about fixing the marriage and recommiting to you, he should get into the Marriage Builders reading material and study and understand the importance of the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and the Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection and then, after you feel you have rebuilt your marriage and your trust, then perhaps you might be able to incorporate a visitation arrangement with the OC. But it is heartless and cruel for him to expect you to accept a visitation arrangement right off the bat...you need time to adjust and heal and he should be patient and put his own desires aside until you are able to accept the situation.

Just my opinion and the way we do it in my house.

Catnip =^^=

Wow Catnip, I truly admire you and your strength. God must have sent you. You&#8217;ve written many of the thoughts and feelings that I have and I wish I could articulate as well as you have. Thanks you so much.

I&#8217;m sick and tried of baby sitting my H. I want him to be able to come and go without the fear of him sneaking behind my back to see OW. Currently we&#8217;re doing just about everything together, which includes riding 100 miles a day to and from work.

I really don&#8217;t know how much more of this I can take. I have other important issues to deal with in my life like my health. I&#8217;m 41 years old who suffers with high blood pressure, diabetes, Mitral Valve Regurgitation and severe depression. I need this stress like I need a whole in my head. My mother is deceased; my dad lives about 2 hours away, I don&#8217;t have any sisters and very few friends. So I thank God for forums such as this people like you and Malc. welcome as much advice as possible, bitter or sweet.

Can you tell me how you managed to get your H to take the recover seriously? I welcome as much advice as possible, bitter or sweet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong>

Can you tell me how you managed to get your H to take the recover seriously? I welcome as much advice as possible, bitter or sweet.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it wasn't pretty.

We were into the sixth month after D-Day of burping and diapering and coddling my husband when I just couldn't stand one more moment of kissing his a$$. He had been hot one moment, desperately wanting me and the marriage, then cold, withdrawn and rejecting of me the next, back and forth, back and forth. I got to the point where I was ready to give him cab fare to get him out of the house for good...and didn't care if I ever saw him again.

This tired old story has been told so many times here over the past three years, but I'll give it one more go around.

I wrote my husband a long letter entitled "My Once in a Lifetime" and posted it here on a thread back in May 1999. I gutted myself in that letter, telling him how deeply I loved him and how much I was going to miss him. I printed it up and left it on the dining room table then left for the weekend, convinced it was the end of my marriage.

The impact of the printed word is amazing. He told me later that hearing me say all those things for six months was barely heard, but actually reading them, then re-reading them again, really made the words sink in...he suddenly had this amazing, pivotal moment of clarity. The Fog lifted. Since I was up north in the woods, my cell phone wasn't reaching me. It wasn't until Sunday night while on my way home, I realized there were several messages from him waiting for me on my Voicemail.

He was scared, desperate, determined, clear headed and willing to do anything to restore the marriage. Instead of being just the recipient of all the goodies, he was going to make a concerted effort in restoring the marriage. he was committed. It was our first big breakthrough.

I'd like to tell you things have progressed nicely even since, but the truth is that we were not into full recover until last March 2002, but most of the back and forth was largely due to my husband's bipolar disorder and alcoholism.

Sometimes you just gotta shake things up, which probably isn't very Marriage Builders, but when you get to the point where you don't care anymore and you are ready to take off on your own, that's when the Wayward seems to respond and finally take notice...it threatens them and it scares them and they are shocked back into the possibility they may loose you. I hate that it sometimes has to come to this.

The letter made a huge impression on my husband and he finally 'saw' what I had been trying to relay to him for months.

Good luck..stay strong.

catnip =^^=

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>