I just got off the phone with my H. The OW has decided to go through with the abortion. I think I figured she would after realizing that they would probably never be together and the added fact I myself am pregnant and due very soon.

My H is a wreck. And I understand. For a number of years I dealt with the guilt of having an abortion, but as weird as this sounds (and please no judgement calls here), I made peace spiritually with God about it. I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for what I had done. Although I am pro-choice, I also promised to God that if I ever got pregnant again, I would not go through that again. As a result, I became the 'undisputed queen of birth control' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know every method of b/c out there. And I always feel that it is my duty to explain that to women.

Ok - now back to my H. He is a wreck. He said that he was 'sorry for messing up my life' and 'sorry for shattering hers'. He also said he didn't know what to do. I assumed he meant us, but he said, no, just anything. He then went on to say that he felt hollow inside. (Hmmmmm - sounds like withdrawal is starting to set in here). I've been feeling a bit awful this morning, since I know my H started to withdraw last night. I told him that I saw he was shutting me out. As a WS myself, I then told him that what he felt was normal & that if he can remember - I did the same thing. You get depressed at how much you have screwed up & don't know what the future will hold. Then you have to figure out whether you fight or run. Well - I managed to do a very good Plan A, while we were on the phone. I stopped my own pity party to help him. I told him that he'll fill hollow for a while, but if he was willing to let me help him through it. He said "I guess so." I also told him that I loved him & always have and that I wanted our marriage to work. I hate that he has to endure this, but maybe he'll learn a hard life lesson here. I expect fo him to feel like this for a few weeks, but I also have a feeling that once our daughter is born that he will attempt to make up his transgressions through her. He also made a comment about how he felt like it was a curse for someone to love him. Upon hearing that - it sounded my mental cue to start on a Fast Track Plan A. With my little girl on the way - both of us can't have postpartum blues! Now I suppose is the point when I have to muster up enough of whatever to show him that our marriage is not a curse and that it's not too late to start over.

Please pray for me and give me the strength to cope.

Vee

Vee,

I think it's OK for your H to be in a funk over this. He was wanting contact right? Therefore I'd think he'd percieve this as a big loss.

My XOW claimed to be pregnant...there was no proof for 5 months other than her claiming to be. When it got to the point where Doc was pushing for her to tell the HR dept where they both work, she misscarried. Now in my heart I know there was NO baby, but Doc at the time believed there was one and he grieved for that loss for awhile.

Now he can say that he's relieved we don't have to go thru this, but it's taken 3 months to get here.
The fog has also lifted and he can also see that there was indeed no baby, just a woman that wanted to be with him no matter what she had to do.

Let your H mourn his loss and be the best support you can be ,you want to be the one he turns to not her

Peace!

Vee, I am sorry you are going through this. But sounds like you are really being strong and making some good moves. It's tough to think before you talk and seems like you are doing just that. Good job!

I had a feeling as I read your post. Your husband seems to feel guilty about the situation. Good- He's the one who did it, huh! But since your husband is encouraging the abortion, I'm afraid that he will feel guilty about the abortion too. I am with you in feeling relief that the oc situation may be over. I wouldn't encourage an abortion personally, but it is definitely a relief. Here on this board, we felt relief with another member a few months back when the ow miscarried. We weren't all hoping and praying for a miscarriage, but we all breathed a huge sigh of relief when we heard the news. Anyway, if your husband does feel or says he feels guilt about the abortion, don't let him wallow in it. He should feel guilty for lying down with her. Don't let him dwell on things that are her decision after that. Make sure he knows and believes that this is her decision. I'm just afraid his guilt could hinder your recovery.

Also, I don't mean this rude- really, and I think this will come out poorly. But here's my thought. I wonder how much of his guilt is just poor me talk for your ears. I'm sure some is real. It just seems ironic that he thinks a child should know it's father, but he encourages an abortion. The two don't seem to match. Maybe I'm wrong, just something for you to consider.

And although it seems like she may be stepping aside to allow your marriage to heal, I would be leary of ow asking husband to take her to the clinic and to be by her side afterwards. Sure, she will need someone with her, but YOUR husband is not her support network. She'll have to find someone else. If he ends up going with her or checking on her later, then it should end there. No more contact.

If she keeps the baby, then you will have other decisions to make, but recover first and make decisions in full agreement with hubby. He should put your needs before that of ow or oc or your daughter. I believe that God says that spouse comes first. I have very mixed emotions about contact. It can be done well, it can make things tough. It's gotta be decided together on what's right for your MARRIAGE, not for you and not for your husband- but for you together.

We have contact with oc everyday (we have full custody and rescued oc from protective services) and we have NO contact with ow (six months and no call from her-YAYYYYYY!). Contact has definitely hindered our recovery, even though we felt like we had little choice in the matter. We had very little recovery time before we were in court and fighting for oc's best interest. Now we concentrate some on recovery and some on trying to be good parents to two children who did not deserve any of this. As far as contact, I think many scenarios could work. You just have to figure out TOGETHER what will work for your marriage. Good luck, God bless.

Cool, the other member I was talking about posted at the same time I did!! Good pick up Doc's Girl!!

DocsGirl -
That is exactly what I want. I want him to turn to me & not her. I asked him if this would be the end of contact with her & he said yes. Now, I'm struggling with the best way to approach him to come home. My fear is that if we continue to remain separated, we can't give our marriage the attention it deserves. I just have to somehow approach this without making it a major LB for him.

And yes - he did want contact. After I miscarried last year he was deeply hurt by our loss, so I can understand his pain here. I want to be there for him through it, because it's an awful ordeal to have to go through. I went through it alone and I don't want him to have to do the same. As for the OW, I don't know who she has to help her through this, but I for dang sure don't want it to be my H. That would just start an A all over again.

Thanks for your support.

Aimee -
He is taking her. She made the appt. yesterday for this Thursday. I didn't think your 'poor me' spill came out rudely. I have thought about that myself. After he said that he was taking her, I asked him if after that will all contact end. He said 'yes'. Like I just posted, I am really, really concerned about how he is feeling now & how that will hamper my efforts to reconcile this marriage. He has to move back home, because if not, this will surely continue. I'm just trying to think of how to broach this subject so that it doesn't become an LB.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> God Bless you. The OW getting the abortion is a big plus IMHOP. I wish I could say the same for myself. I pray that you can your H find the happiness and peace that you deserve.

Robbed.

Vee,

Maybe a way to get him to move back in w/out LB'ing would be that you will need help once your own baby is born! Have you done the nursery yet? Maybe get him to start coming around to help you set it up and such. I don't see any LB'ing in asking your H to help with that stuff. And in doing this, you will be helping him get over the abortion! He will be concentrating on your child together, and the love can grow from that!

As for you asking God forgivness for your past, I don't think that anyone can judge what you did, as you did go before God, and have been forgiven by the only one who could forgive that action! Abortion is such a touchy subject, and I would NEVER judge anyone who's made or is considering that choice. You know what's in your own heart, and so does God, and when it comes to stuff like that, that's all that matters. (I hope that came out right)

Anyway, Just see if you can get H to become "ultra involved" with your final weeks and delivery of your baby, w/out pushing him to do so, or nagging him about it. Hope I helped.

Tigger