Sometimes I feel like I don't contribute to this forum much. I come when I have a problem and I often feel like that is not fair. But, I'm one of those people who doesn't give advice unless I can truly relate to the issue or think that I have a grasp of what's bugging them. So, I want to say thanks to everyone for offering up encouragement, prayers, and suggestions. I've been spending my days lurking & reading posts so that I could better deal with my own situation.

Secondly to Just Learning - you have always been very good at giving advice to me. But I feel as if I have done you a great disservice on my efforts to better my communication skills! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
I'm trying to figure out now how in the WORLD do we start honest communication. Do I just start with a simple - "Sweetie, I was thinking, that we have done a poor job at communicating how we feel?" And then explain - I never knew until Sunday that you were still reeling from my A and you harbored a lot of resentment towards me after we separated? How can a woman get her H to open up about those things and guide him towards offering solutions to the problems so he thinks he's accomplished something on his own?

Hi Vee,

You know I am a simpleminded guy. So I would go for the direct approach. I would say </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Sweetie, I was thinking, that we have done a poor job at communicating how we feel?" And then explain - I never knew until Sunday that you were still reeling from my A and you harbored a lot of resentment towards me after we separated? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder where I got those words? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would then add maybe: " I am so sorry that we didn't address this earlier. Can you help me by talking with me about this and how you feel? I really do need your help."

Told you I am a simple guy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I suspect perhaps Catnip and some of the others here might be able to offer what they would like to hear was well.

Must go do some work.

God Bless,

JL

Vee,

I agree with JL. Your planned introduction into a conversation sounds good. As does his suggestion of "Can you help me" as encouragement for a contribution from your H. My H was always far more willing to particpate in any discussion if he felt it was an effort to HELP ME.

One more suggestion,, during the discussion try to use "I feel,," rather than "You did,, or you need to" ,,phrases. The YOU words tend to make the listener feel attacked and put them on the defensive,,where I FEEL words are merely an expression of your feelings.

And last but not least,,during my very worst days, after all my questions had been answered but I was still feeling so lost and hopeless, my H sometimes just held me. Holding me tight and telling me "I know what I did was sooo wrong and I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I can't erase yesterdays but what can I do TODAY to make you feel better." That helped alot.

The ice-breaker in our house was when I reached over the table and took my hsuband's face in my hands and looked deep into his eyes and said, "I forgive you". It was a moment I will never forget. It made him feel loved and safe...and willing to hear me...it allowed him to listen to me without defense, love me back without fear of rejection.

It was powerful shift in the marriage.

Catnip =^^=

Not meaning to butt in on your post, Vee.

Catnip, did you make this statement after the A had ended and there was NC or was it while there was still contact??? Asking because H has said that he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him (which I haven't said that I do since there is still contact and he knows I want NC plus a bunch of other crap along the way).

It was AFTER the affair and there has never been any contact since D-Day. We were a few months or a year after D-day when this happened...I think, because I remember thinking I should have done this sooner. It might have helped my husband get past "there's too much damage here to forgive me" phase. When they think like that, they make no effort because they think "what's the use?" Then you have to give them reason to believe.

I know it shouldn't be that way, you know, the Betrayed doing 95% of the recovery AT FIRST, because they are the innocent party here, however, this does change in time...it took a couple years for us, but the change DID occur.

Now, my husband focuses on me, me, me and it feels so good, good, good. And, it's a win-win for him, too because my focus is on him...

Catnip =^^=