I am absolutely in withdrawl in my marriage. My husband and I have brainstormed for months with no options. Every option would be to actually change who we are. Niether one of us can or want to do that to the other. How do you know when to say when?

I too am in TOTAL withdrawal. I know I am not respectful to him and would like responses. There is always someone that is the more aggresive person in the marriage, that makes the most money, that dominates with kids, etc.? When you do 99.8% of the daily work, routine, on your own and there has NEVER been any intamcy there - how do you reach out to someone. Anyone with suggestions? Do you stay for the kids? Do you stay for finances? Do you stay because of the convenant? HELPPPPPPPP

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: ????? ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 911oper:
<strong> I am absolutely in withdrawl in my marriage. My husband and I have brainstormed for months with no options. Every option would be to actually change who we are. Niether one of us can or want to do that to the other. How do you know when to say when? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Check me on this. You are unhappy. Your H is unhappy. You think you'll be happy as you are, as apparently emotionally solid, secure, stable individuals, just not with each other. Do I understand you?

Because I don't understand how changing yourself, and becoming a better person is doing anything "to" the other person. Fixing yourself has nothing to do with the other person.

You stay because that is what you took an oath to do. You stay because you are an adult and your decisions need to be based on something other than pure emotion.

Marriage has only been about romantic love in the most recent time periods in ANY culture. Marriage is a social institution which serves the purpose of greater economic and emotional security in which two (or more) adults operate, live, and raise a future generation into our society. It is a contract not only between two individuals, but those individuals and society.

That is why, btw, the vows do not say that you stay until you don't love each other anymore or until you are tired. Rather, when these situations arise, you work together to remedy them and come to a solution rather than dissolving the relationship. If a marital relationship is dissolved when the chips get down - because it is much easier than fixing it - then what is left to differentiate it from merely dating?

Takola,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That is why, btw, the vows do not say that you stay until you don't love each other anymore or until you are tired. Rather, when these situations arise, you work together to remedy them and come to a solution rather than dissolving the relationship. If a marital relationship is dissolved when the chips get down - because it is much easier than fixing it - then what is left to differentiate it from merely dating?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gosh, you are so right!!

I have heard that people who attended Retrovaille weekends have restored the intimacy in their marriages. Ever heard of it? Why not get some information on it? It is supposed to bring the two people closer again after they have lost all feelings for each other.

It can't hurt.

Thank you for your referal to retrovaille. I have been looking into it this afternoon.

I don't think I made it quite clear to everyone how bad our marriage is. I don't want to bash hime or run him down. We are living under the same roof but there is no marriage. I feel like I am being raped when he wants sex; but I don't feel like I have a right to say no. Things are just not good. He always promises to change and work on things (me too) and then a few weeks down the road it is right back to the same place. He doesn't think I will ever find the courage to leave. I am actually wondering if I can.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like I am being raped when he wants sex; but I don't feel like I have a right to say no. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What causes you to assume that I didn't feel the same way when I first came to MB?

What you are stuck in is a common cognitive distortion called either/or thinking. You either have to stay in the status quo or get a divorce - as if these were the only two options. I assure you that they are not.

I am actually really glad to hear that. I have thought about the in between options but he thinks I am crazy. He says don't waste my time. I am talking about seperation. What other options do I have? Everything I attempt is a "no,no"

First, unless there is phyisical violence or something, I would encourage you not to separate. Once you're in separate residences, it's too easy to just let things finish falling apart.

Second, one of the very painful statements my XH said to me after he began his afair and our marriage was failing. I still remember it. I was in the kitchen peeling potatoes and crying, and going on about how we took vows "for better or for worse, 'til death do we part".

And he said, "I guess you took your vows more seriously than I did!"

In all honesty, I believe that was the truth. To me, vows and commitment meant staying together during the happy times but also during the not-so-happy times, in hope that they would become happier again.

We are now DV. He is engaged to the OW. Is he happy--not by what my teenage daughter reports. And not by how he acts when I've seen him. And he certainly doesn't LOOK happy. He needs to fix himself. Getting out of the marriage didn't do that.

I encourage you to hang in there for the long haul. The grass isn't usually any greener on the other side.

And I've seen this quote several times--not sure who it came from:

"Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy; it's supposed to make you married!"

While obviously we all get married because we want the happiness (and should work together to maintain it), the truth is that marriage is a life commitment to be there for each other. It's not an automatic happiness guarantee.

LL

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

So, have you read His Needs/Her Needs? Have you read any books on marriage? Have you read much here on this web-site? Do you know what each others Emotional Needs are? Are you trying not to commit Love Busters? Are you trying to make deposits in each other's Love Banks? Have you sought out counseling?

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>