Hi,

Money is tight, very, very, very tight and a constant source of stress.

H was angry about having to send child support. We only pay $500/mo. I grew up poor and w/o because of a Dad (whom I love dearly) didn't pay his child support. I firmly believe in child support (but not some of the outrageous sums, like when we used to pay $1,700/mo. Mr. J has been un- or under-employed for 2+ years now.)

So, he was grousing about sending it, how there are things we would like to get for our kids that we can't.

Me: She has been very reasonable about letting us reduce the amount as your income has crumbled. Now we aren't even paying 1/2 of her child care expenses so that she can go to work.

Mr. J: Yeah, but I gave her lots and lots of money during her pregnancy, bought her washer and dryer, paid for her cross-country move so she could move back near her family. We had so much money that you didn't notice $3,000 missing each month. I lost my job right after Precious was born and I continued paying as if I still had my job. I feel like I was emotionally manipulated into paying a lot of money (unspoken: that I wish I had back).

Me: Did she ask you for all that help?

Mr. J: No. I asked her what she needed to get by.

Me: Well, I wasn't there and I don't know much about the relationship you two had, but it sounds to me like you were feeling really guilty about the affair, her emotional decomposition every time you tried to leave the affair and finally her pregnancy.

Mr. J: Yeah, I was.

Me: So I think you were feeling really guilty and you threw money at the problem so you could feel better. You probably said to yourself "Gee, I'm not such a rat. Look at how much money I give her."

Mr. J: You're really good. You should have been a shrink.

Me: Thanks honey. I just know you really well and know that for a long time you mistakenly believed that everything can be fixed by money, lots of money. Now we know what is really important. Family.

MJ

I read in your bio that your H's affair lasted 7 years. You seem so well adjusted in regard to his affair and the resulting OC. How do you do it?

Dear Steph,

The first six months were brutal. I even had to go to the hospital for depression (we had 2 other issues equally as large happen at the same time as my discovery of his affair). However, my self-esteem seemed to recover faster than some others on the board. I don't know, maybe I didn't love him as much as other women loved their husbands or maybe I am just fairly good about sorting out what is and isn't about me. I hope it is the later. At first my self esteem was shattered. I felt broken, passed over, worthless but after a while I came to realize that his affair said a lot more about him than it did about me or even the state of our marriage. (And I am always ready to believe that there is nothing wrong with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

He assured me that, despite having told her he loved her he never loved her the way he loved me. He "guessed" it was love (for her). Assured me that I was a better person (for him) than she was and told me concrete examples of why. Many other aspects of recovery he didn't handle well at all, but he did that one very well.

I have long suspected some mental health issues for him that I can't ennumerate here on this board and an affair like this fits the pattern. I have a bit of a crutch to lean on.

I recognized how serious my weight problem had become and that I had a part in the deterioration of our marriage. I needed to fix it. If it wasn't bothering me, it was now apparent that it was really bothering him. I have lost 40+ lbs. but I have another 60 to go.

Other parts of our marriage problems, I played no part in. He made it clear from the beginning of our marriage that he was going to pursue his own interests (sports, bars, golf, pool and hanging around with the guys) even to the detriment of our marriage. To give him credit, I don't think that he knew that separate lifestyles could so severely damamage a marriage. This was the marriage I was going to get and I could </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">put up/shut up and figure a way to find happiness in a fast-paced-separate-lives marriage OR</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">make my marriage a miserable place by shrewishly demanding he spend more time with me.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I chose the later and filled my time with my own intersts after years of clinging too much and begging for his attention. He has or had a real inflated sense of his own importance and his needs coming before anyone else's. Our marriage counselro told him his is a narcissist. That is changing for him. I don't want to be first in his life. I want God to be first, our marriage to be second and his interests and our kids to be tied for third. Don't know if I will get what I want, but our marriage is definitely much more important to him than it was.
Forgiveness comes easily for me. I don't fully understand why. Part of it is my Christian faith. I think the other part is just some inborn part of my personality. I forgive because I have been forgiven (by God). It is something I have to work at, but the biggest part of it is wanting to forgive. I pray over it and pass it over to God. I ask to be filled with forgiveness when I have none of my own. I prayed for exOW and OC from the day I learned of them. It is a great exercise in submitting myself to God's will, of bending my own stubborn pride. In return, forgiving her has freed me to get on with my life.

As for OC. I am lucky that they live 2,000 miles
away. I don't have to worry that H and exOW will bump into each other. We didn't have kids at the time so I guess I didn't feel like her birth was hurting my own children. Also, I am a chlld born of an affair. My mom separate from my father and within a few weeks was pregnant by her old boyfriend. My dad (not my birthfather) loved my mother and wanted her back despite the pregnancy. I didn't learn of my biological parentage until I was 35. My dad adores me and I him. I said to him "But you always treated me like I was yours." He said, "You are mine. I was there on the day you were born, the first day you went to school, and when that little boy threw a snowball with a stone it and cut your eye. I walked you down the aisle at your wedding. I am your dad. I always have been and always will be." Of the 7 children (all girls) he had, I have no doubt that I am my Dad's favorite. I have no idea why. I am the only one who shares his deep, life-changing Christian faith, but I think we both come to that as much because of our personalities as anything else. We are both easy going by nature and find forgiveness easy. We both recognize our own failings and so are more tolerant of the failings of others. In my case, the seeds (God's message) fell on fertile soil (my heart). Hey, it's only fair that my soil is fertile as nothing else about me is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am not trying to minimize the trauma, especially that another woman bore my H's child when I was born infertile w/o a uterus. I had worked very hard in therapy (infertility and false paternity issues) for three years before D-day. I had good coping skills already in place. I was as ready for such a trauma as I could have been. I went back to therapy immediately after D-day. My H wasn't ambigious about where he wanted to be. He was just pretty uncertain about if he was ever goign to get back off of our couch and face life again. He was not a big help in recovery. He has since returned to a more productive life and I believe that he will come back the rest of the way.

Don't get me wrong. Our marriage is far from perfect, but it is stable again. I have hope for a better marriage.

Hope this helps,
MJ

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>

I admire your faith! My H and I have begun going to church again and were re-baptized not too long ago. God has really been working in our lives, but it's still hard to let go of things and give them over to Him.

The sort-of-OW (we were separated at the time) claimed to be pregnant a week after my H and I reconciled. She never sent us the proof (pregnancy test results from the clinic) we asked for and we haven't heard from her since. So, I guess all we can do is pray while we await the possible birth of this child.

Some days it's really hard (I've thought about hiring a PI to find out if she's telling the truth), but most days I am so happy with the way our marriage has turned around, that I think I can handle anything.

I don't know what we'll do if there is a child. My H has said he will give up rights to the child (which would make things a lot easier for us and our children; especially since the OW is emotionally unstable and unpredicatable) but, like you, it makes me feel guilty to know there is a child out there who doesn't know its father.

I just keep asking for God to guide me and show me the right thing to do.

Thank you for your example. May God bless you.

MJ,

You are amazing. You make it seem as though there is no problem we face that we can not overcome.

CM

MJ,

Your story brought tears to my eyes. You are such a strong and beautiful person and you have given me hope. Just wanted to say thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

With love,

MJ
All I can say, is one day I want to be in your shoes as having a forgiving heart. I'm working on that part of my life.

I feel it in my heart, I have to forgive my H and forgive XOW even though I know she's a very manipulating. I have to understand why she does what she does and why my H allows it as I speak to you I'm finding myself having compassion.

I just want to be his friend.

<small>[ September 14, 2002, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MaryJanes:
<strong>easy going by nature and find forgiveness easy. In my case, the seeds (God's message) fell on fertile soil (my heart).
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't tell you how inspirational your words are...I just love you to pieces. You are incredibly special and such a gift to this site.

Thanks, MJ

Catnip =^^=

MJ,

I am speechless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DU

Ah, shucks ladies. Don't give me more credit than I deserve. I am not above the occassional love buster and I can't take much credit for my ability to forgive, it seems to be part of my inborn nature. I did work very hard at restoring my self-esteem after this third huge blow (the other two were unrelated to my marriage and were family of origin issues).

I had a great weekend with our boys. Lots of adoption breakthroughs and even closer bonding. I think that we are going to be very lucky and we are going to wind up with two "normal" boys--despite their very difficult past I think that they are going to be OK, not one of those awful older-kid-adoption stories that 60 Minutes and DateLine love to play.

Mr. J is really suffering with depression and guilt. I would really appreciate prayers for him.

MJ

MJ,

You desreve the credit you are one of the stronger ones out there. As for Mr. J he has my prayers.

DU

Thank God for you!! A light just went on in my head...I'ts not about me! His choice to cheat is not about me. It's about time that I realize this and pray that I'm able to forgive. For so long I've felt that maybe I wasn't pretty enough, not sexy enough, etc.. I'ts really not about me!!Thank you so much.

mj,

Prayers for your H's healing (and your health). I think in the long run the adulterer hurts themselves, their own soul, most of all. Your H will have to be strong for your boys--what a blessing!

Wonderful post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
J

MJ

I have been storming the heavens for Mr. J, and praying for you, too. How have you been feeling?

It sounds like your boys are going to be just fine. They must love America and all this blessed country offers. It must be like Disneyland to them. I can't wait til a couple years from now hearing how they have grown and learned the language and are happy and secure, making friends and making the grade at school. Have any of the school issues been resolved?

I know this sounds weird, but maybe if you did something bad like overdrew the checkbook or shrank one of Mr. J's favorite sweaters in the washer...did something mildly rotten to give him a moment of self righteousness, he wouldn't feel like such a [censored]. haha

Years ago, I watched this mini-series on TV called Rich Man, Poor Man and Ed Asner was the Dad and Dorothy Malone was the Mom and she would pray in bed every night. One night she asked Ed to come to bed and he made some remark about it being too crowded in there with Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all the saints. Cracked me up.
I'm not saying that you're like old Dottie or anything, it just struck me funny when you said something about that it must be tough for Mr. J to hang out with St. Mary Janes. I know Bipolar has sneered at me once or twice about being Saint Catnip when he was feeling particularly flawed.

I guess it just makes sense to burn dinner once in a while so they don't feel like they aren't the only ones out there screwing up. Bipolar loves it when I am inept so he can be the benevolent kind and understanding husband. Doing this intentionally is probably wrong, patronizing and counter-productive, but I have seen a look of relief come across his face whenever I've erred.

Stupid stuff tonight...again.

Catnip =^^=