The OW's mother told her not to have the abortion. From what I have been told by my H, their familiy is pretty religious (and here I'll adlib & say what I wanted to say to my H last night - 'Go figure. OW smokes marijuana, drinks, engages in promiscious sex, yet they are religious. Give me an Fing break) so she & her mother have been battling about this. What I can't understand is how a grown @$$ woman (I'm a little po'd right now) can't make her own dang decisions in life. I am under the assumption (given I don't have the details), that some type of argument ensued when H tried to take the OW to the clinic. Anyway - the OW's mother wants to talk to my H. I mean really - what the heck for? Is she going to tell him in her holier than thou spill that he has to divorce me & marry her daughter? I don't think so. Now her daughter not only will have an illegitimate child, but it'll be that of a married man's. Ok - how many religious points do we get here? We break every other commandment but not this one. Please.

I also found out that the OW has had an 'threatened miscarriage'. She was po'd at my H and said, well that's probably what you want anyway. Sadly - yes, that's exactly what I want. Maybe she'll stress out & miscarry. But I can't wish that on anyone and neither can my H. Right now I am so angry I could just scream. I tried to tell my H last night that he can't have contact with her until after OC is born. He thinks that is crazy!!!! Well I don't! I mean really - you can't have it both ways. And I told him that exactly. She's the OW - not me & I don't feel that its fair to do so. I also told him how in the world does he expect to repair a marriage when she is in the picture? Of course - no answer. I told him that I was afraid that if he had contact with her, the affair would continue. He says - no it won't. Yeah right - how can he guarantee me that?!

He did say that he was sorry and let me cry. I understand that I might have to accept this, but under no terms am I going to allow him to just say - well I have to talk to her because she is pregnant. No - you don't. Your number one concern should be this damn marriage and not her freaking feelings. Let her momma do that crap. Anyway - I just needed to vent, I'm off to print out some articles from the site so we can formulate some type of mutual agreement. If that doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do.

Vee - Truly Heartbroken Today

I sypathize with you Vee, I know you are in alot of pain over your H's affair, but I don't think the answer to OW's pregnancy is to kill a child who never asked to be conceived in the first place.

I get abit torqued up when people who get into these situations think that killing a child to fix their situation is the answer.

It may be convenient for you and H, perhaps even OW, but its not the right answer, it sure isn't convenient for this child. When do we stop making mistakes and start making things right?

P.S. I edited this because I forgot to add that maybe having to suffer the consequences of having a child from his affair, will deter him from having more affairs. If we have no consequences to suffer, there will be little incentive to break our old habits. I noticed that you've had several D'days.

CM

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, Vee. I don't have much advice to offer right now, but I am here and willing to listen. If you need to vent, do it here. I'm sure one of the "wise ones" will be on here soon and give you some great advice.

With love,

CM -
I respect your opinion, but I have also thought of that and you are very, very correct. I'm just a little pissed off right now. In another light, I do see this as a severe consequence for my H. I can not even begin to tell you how many times he said he was sorry yesterday. I am just so hurt that - what if I hadn't found out? What would have happened? And - here is my other thing, I do also acknowledge that it isn't the child's fault. I know that but right now, I am TOTALLY ashamed by this. I keep thinking of how his obituary will read and just stuff that is probably of absolutely no consequence. I could just accept it & deal with it. Right now - I just can't make it through the pain. I feel as if my own pregnancy has been cheated. In about 6 weeks, I should be in a hospital room giving birth to our 1st child. It just seems like it is all bittersweet now.

Also - let me say that I am always a bit melodramatic when I come up against pain. I do respect that my H wants to make sure that he is responsible for the child, but I do not feel that any of that goes to the OW. She & my H knew better and I don't feel as if providing solace to her is appropriate. Right now I just wish I could just wake up and say it was all a bad dream. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My H is terribly afraid that because of this situation it may prove to be too much for me to bear. And I am afraid that he is right. I would hate to say that I want my marriage and then a year later decide I can't do it. Who would that be fair too? And what if this time because he has to look at his mistake and be reminded of it constantly, that he wouldn't make an effort to be a better husband to me. He asked me last night if I thought he would make a good father to our child - I told him yes, but it's not the child that concerns me - it's your being a husband to me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Also - CM, at 18 I had an abortion. And deep down somewhere, I really didn't want the OW to go through that. I am pro-choice, but at 25 yrs - no woman would dream of doing that. It's not necessary. I don't know, maybe later today I can actually have a conversation with my H about what will happen next. I just really don't want him making any promises to the OW without asking me 1st. I think that would just send me over the edge.

Vee,
I can understand that you are angry. And I know that this is the place for you to vent. I am sensitive to the child's right to life issue and didn't mean to sound judgemental.
I can sympathize with you and I know it must be very difficult to think that he may be making plans with or for ow/child. I see after reading your post that this is the major concern that you have and rightfully so. What does he say about all this? Is he willing to have you stand by his side through this and are you willing to be there? When I think about dealing with my situation, I know that the only way I will ever be heard by ex-MM/OM is when my H is standing by my side. Otherwise, the -ex always has a way of controlling the situation. He uses my emotions, both our fears, or his life's situation to manipulate matters. So, I do understand that the WS is not the person to be leading the pack when it comes to these things. You are right about your needing to be involved now. I honestly do believe that a child born and H having to face it, live with it, and deal with it, will make him realize that affairs aren't games. They involve real people with real feelings and there are real consequences associated with our actions and choices. I know if nothing else, I realized that this was real and it was serious. It helps keep reality in check and us escape artists, aka, WS, have a harder time living in our head and dodging reality. Not only did this board ruin my mindset for being in the A, but also, the child born from my A, made me realize that I was only running from myself, all my fears and hurts, and it was time to stop. I hope that your H realizes the same thing.
You both have an advantage, you know about the A and pregnancy. You have one step up on me at this point. I see this as an opportunity to deal with it together and hopefully, he'll learn from it and know that if you play, you have to pay. And he'll think twice if the thought ever does cross his wayward mind again.
When I look at my son, I often feel like slapping myself for being such an idiot. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, I wouldn't change his existence for anything. I know this isn't about me now and I see the far reaching effects of my choice to get involved with MM in the first place.

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

CM -
Let me say again - I respect your input. I don't care if you sound judgemental! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm a debater by heart, so differences of opinions are nothing to me. I always respect them - I'm just mad at how people who claim to be religious (OW's family in particular) yet their actions don't correspond to their professed beliefs.

I think that I am willing to stand by my H, I'm just kinda ashamed of how this will all turn out. I hate for it to be the biggest skeleton in the closet for both of our families. To be honest - if he is to make decisions about how he'll be involved in the OC's life, I want to be included. He has said that he wants us to remain married and that's fine. However, I think that it's best if there are decisions to be made here, we should all take part in them (and I do mean all - OW, her mom, H & myself). I just want whatever happens to be clear that the OW should not be expecting my H to come to her dr appts or be present at the time of birth (that is if nothing happens & she doesn't miscarry - I was being a bit mean earlier in my anger). I feel that once the OC is born, then we should BOTH come to the hospital to check on her. I want her to realize that she's not just dealing with him, she has to respect that decisions are made by both of us. My ultimate fear is just as you expressed it - she would use that child to control our lives. And that is simply not fair to the child. I don't know if all of this is too early to even be considering when it should probably be more of a focus on how we are to repair our marriage. We have about 6 months before we have to worry about visitation, but for the sake of our marriage I think that no contact with her until we feel ready to deal with care for the OC would be best.

CM - although our beliefs are on different sides of the fence - I value input. It helps me sort out what I think & feel so that I can better assess the situation. So PLEASE don't feel that I was offended in anyway by your 1st post. I wasn't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just wanted to let that all out because in no way would it have been helpful if I said that last night to my H.

Vee,

You know, its a funny thing, how we can be religious but not spiritual. How we can love God, yet not love ourselves or others.
I am religious and my ex- is very, very religious. Hasn't missed a sunday ever, only when he was sick or a family member was sick. He was an alter boy, asked to become a deacon in his church. And yet, no one knew the person that lived beneath the facade.
I'm sure that if people knew about my A, they'd be shocked. Not because my marriage is seeminly so perfect, but because of the mask I wear. They think I do everything in life by the book. I'm a real follow the rules kind of person at least, I always was.
I can't explain it, I have no excuses or reasons for how someone can be of strong faith, yet fail in doing the right thing. Lack of self love, ignorance, selfishness, those all come to mind but I don't really know for sure.

Vee-
Not sure why, but sometimes this subject gets some nasty comments. I'll say it anyway. Perhaps ow (and family) would think adoption is a viable option. I see it as a good thing to do for a child. Maybe they would too. The child would have a chance at a good life with parents who wanted to have a child and who chose him/her. It leaves contact as a possibility in twenty years, but with oc not ow. And could be the nicest and best thing to do for the child. Just a thought.

And I TOTALLY agree with you on no contact during pregnancy or delivery either. Your hubby is obviously still in fog, confused into thinking that contact with her is "right" or "no big deal". You stand there staring at him in disbelief and try to reason, but he can't. He thinks you are jealous and selfish and irrational. At least mine thought that way. Hubby probably needs to hear some truths from someone besides you. Hang in there.

Vee,

Everything you said is hitting so close to home for me. My H and I were already separated when he began seeing OW (so I'm not having to deal with all of the emotions associated with betrayal), but I can totally relate to the fear and shame that you expressed.

How will I tell my children and my mom? Will the OW always be trying to cause problems between my H and I? What if he ends up loving the OC more than our 2 children? Will I be able to love the OC?

The OC message board has been a blessing from God for me. I haven't talked to my mom or close friends about this because it might not even be true (we asked for proof of the pregnancy but never got it and haven't heard from her since). I think that's the worst part for me; that I don't know for sure and may be going through this anxiety for nothing.

What makes it easier is that my H has already told the OW that his marriage is his first priority and that she should expect for all decisions/conversations to involve me. My H has even said that he is willing to give up all rights to the OC (it would make things so much easier, but it makes me feel guilty). We're trying to focus on building a strong marriage so that no matter what happens, we can face it together.

I hope your H realizes that his first priority is to you and that there should only be contact with the OW when absolutely necessary and in your presence when possible. She knew what she getting into when she began seeing a married man and she needs to face the fact that he is your H and that she is going to have to pretty much go through this w/o him.

One other thing: paternity test. Until the child is born, you don't know for sure that it's your H's child. (You've probably already thought about this, but it's worth saying!)

steph,
something you said made me want to comment. Your husband may or may not learn to love oc, But if he has contact and if he loves this child, He will love this child the same as your other children, they are just children, My husband doesnt love my daughter any less than the other children nor do I , I love all of them including the one we adopted. Children are so easy to love, you would be suprised how well children show it.

Vee

I am sorry you are having such a bad day, I think we all have moments like that. I think while you are concentrating on saving your marriage and supporting your husband in this to show a united front, You should understand, maybe the other womans mother is her support, as mothers we can all understand this.
while your husband messed up and now life is not as you would like it, you still love him and want him to stay, same for ow, her family loves her just the same, we dont stop loving our children because they have made a mistake.
as a mother my advice would be two wrongs dont make a right, so if my daughter or son were to have a baby, I owuld not say abortion was the answer nor would I approve of an easy way out.
seems they should learn life is not so easy.
I do think adoption is a great choice and have adopted my self. However that will have to be a decision this woman makes with out being pressured and one she makes with the help of her family, Just as you and your husband will make a decision to have contact or NO contact.

Try and put it away if you can and concentrate on Your new baby coming and your marriage.
Your husband couldnt help her now if he wanted to, she is fine with her family, I would just put it on a shelf till you know for sure.

Steph -
My H is in the fog big time. While he wants our marriage, he is always so torn that he has to help others. He's a kind person at heart, but it is as I have told him many times before - his biggest weakness. My H & I are separated & have been since Dec. Financial difficulties (his car was about to be repossessed) kept him from coming home until we could work out a plan with his creditors. The weekend he should have come back home, they came looking for his car. By May, we finally got everything straightened out with the lender & I told him it was safe to come home. It was at that point I started to suspect he was in fact seeing someone because he kept putting it off. My guess is he was having too much fun running around & now it has all caught up with him. In Feb, I found out I was pregnant, but with the money problems, he wasn't able to return.

My H keeps saying he's confused but he keeps trying to satisfy both ends. I told him last night he can't do both. He can't work on his marriage & have contact with the OW. He simply can't. If he doesn't figure it out soon, I might move on to Plan B. I'm not going to allow him to say he has to maintain contact with the OW simply because she is pregnant. His responsibility is to the child, not the OW. If he doesn't get it & quick, he won't have a wife or the family he so wants. I don't mind standing by him, but I'm not going to take second priority to soothing the OW's wounds. In the end nothing he can say or do other than leaving me will help her.

On your end - I'm sorry you have to go thru this too. To me it sounds like the OW is just pulling a stunt. I sure hope so for you. My H said that to the best of his knowledge, this child is his. I still plan on making her do a paternity test, I just hadn't told him that yet.

Vee,

I hope even though he's not living with you that he is being both financially and emotionally supportive of you and your unborn child.

I hope that things change for the two of you: that he moves home where he belongs, that he comes to his senses and realizes that there is no reason for him to even have contact with the OW until the OC is born and paternity is established and that at that point, he realizes, as was said earlier, that his only obligation is to the OC if it is indeed his.

You and your baby will be in my prayers!

vee, I would in no way go for h having contact with ow, like you said she has momma for that,stand your ground about no contact with ow,if you give in on this issue you'll finally give in on a lot more and ow will be in controll of your relationship, I know the pain your feeling, but just believe in yourself and allow know one to take that from you, just remember your the innocent victim here