Hi everyone. I am new to this site and hope to get some advice and help. My husband and I have been togethr for 6 years and married for almost 3. I have some big trust issues. For years I have accused him of cheating although I haven't had any reson to believe he would do something. In my mind I don't really think he would but I say it anyways. I have said it for years. When he wants to do anythings with his friends I would say no. About a year ago I finally gave in and said he could go out for a few hours with some guys at work and asked him to be home at 10pm. He didn't show up until 9am the next morning and didn't call me and didn't answer his cell phone. He said he just didn't get that much time with his friends and wanted to get as much in. After that I really didn't want him to do anything. For about a year he hardly ever got to go out. We got into an argument a couple of weeks ago and he left and didn't come home until 3:30am. I was mad and made some posts on another site. When I got the responses I realized that I was the one that was wrong. I realized that I basically pushed him away and although he shouldn't have stayed out that long he was just to tired to try. I decided to change myself. I didn't want to be that kind of person and the changes I made were amazing and I actually felt better about myself. I gave my husband a lot more freedom but we felt more disconnected then ever. We had a long talk last night. We didn't argue we just talk. He said that although he cared for me he didn't love me and he hasn't loved me for some time. He didn't want to hurt me. He said he noticed the change in me but felt it was fake. After I told him why I change (being slapped in the face with the truth by people outside the marriage) he said he was now even more confussed because he thought I was faking the change and now he knows that I wasn't. He says he is willing to give it a try but doesn't know if he can fall back in love with me. I don't know what to do. I love him and don't want to let go after I have seen the truth about myself and am changing. I however don't want to be with him if doesn't love me. How am I suppose to go to him and cuddle with him and hug him when he doesn't feel anything but how is he going to reconnect with me if I don't do some of those things. My heart is so broken I don't know what to do. I don't want my marriage to end. I thought about conciling but can't really afford it. I really don't know what kind of advice I am expecting but anything you have would be appriciated. Thank you.

Hi there SweetPea,

I first want to say welcome to marriage builders even though it is under sad circumstances. This site has been wonderful and there are many people that will give you wonderful advice and support.
As for your situation, it sounds like a tough one. In one sense, it is hard to make someone love you when they have told you they are no longer in love with you. But then it is hard because you are still in love with him and dealing with 1000 emotions daily. If your H isn't willing to make things work, (this may be hard to swallow) then it might not work. Like the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I know that isn't something that one wants to hear. Trust me, it wouldn't be what I would want to hear. Have you sat down with your H and had a heart to heart? Why does he say you are being fake? Regardless of ANYTHING, for him not to come home at NORMAL hours or CALL, is DISREPECTFUL and something you SHOULD NOT have to deal with. In a marriage, you don't do things like that. No matter how you feel about the other person. He obviously doesn't seem like he has respect for you and he is running away from dealing with a problem.
As for you realizing that you were the one that was wrong, well, he seems to be in the wrong as well. A marriage is a promise and that doesn't include keeping his wife at bay when it comes to anything. Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? I mean, I am sorry to suggest it but it seems like he is hiding something. My H cheated on me almost 10 months ago and through this site and another site, I have had my eyes open to the signs to watch out for. In my H's affair, I did not want to notice the signs and chose to ignore them. So what you need to do is realize that you are a STRONG person and need to take time to check for these signs or see what you want to do with your life. Marriage isn't something that can just be easily given up on BUT do you want to be in a marriage that is unhappy. From your screenname I'm assuming you were born in 1981 so that would make you 23, my age. You are still young and you don't want to stay in something that isn't going to make you happy. I'm sorry if you took offense to anything I said but I wish you good luck. Ask ?'s, whine, cry, yell or anything on this site, there are ALWAYS eyes and ears to listen. Good luck!

Probablyu should decide which forum you want this in, (EN or OT), and look for answers, and make responses there...

I was desperate for answers and didn't know which would be the best place to post. My heart is broken you don't have to be so rude. I know different people go to different parts of the board. It doesn't matter anyways. I don't need anymore advice. We can't work it out and decided it's over.

sweetpea

Dear Sweet Pea,The advice I have for you is if you still love your husband then you should try whatever it takes to make it work. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 yrs now. For the past 6 months, he has threatened to leave. Last Thursday, he told me he doesn't like to be around me anymore and he hasn't been in love with me for about a year now. Conveniently, that is about the time I lost my job. We have had a dificult time, especially with the finances. Since last Thursday, he has been staying with a friend. When he came home on Friday, he suggested counseling if you can believe that. So we are supposed to go to a Pastor. A friend of mine gave me this website and I printed the Basic Concepts and gave him a copy. I have been reading the bible alot also to find guidance and a silver lining in all of this. He is reading the info that I gave him and he is reading some passages too. But I will tell you this, the only thing that has really helped me is where Dr. Harley said to prove to your spouse that his feelings come before your own and that you will protect him always.If you have children, make it work. If you don't have children, make it work. Marriage is a sacred institution and should be treated as such. You need to work on trust and he needs to work on respecting you. It takes two to tango as they say. Talk to him, but more importantly, listen to him, without being defensive. God bless you. Let me know how it goes. Power in prayer.
Sincerely, Laura Ann

Hi there sweetpea. I know it may not seem like it (because it doesn't to me right now either) but you are not alone. I too have just had some stark discoveries regarding my husband's feelings for me after more than 26 years of marriage. I have come to believe that he is going through a classic mid-life crisis at age 45 but after reading some on that am not at all assured that our relationship will be one of the ones that can survive a hard male mid-life crisis. He even thinks he wants out of ministry right now & it is so obvious to so many that he would be out of God's will if he does that! But that's how utterly out of sorts he is right now. I want you to know you are not alone. I too feel very sure that he does not love me any more either and I have no idea what to do at this point. Could we pray for and encourage one another?