I'm glad to know everything is ok with you.
I was very depressed for the holiday I'm much better now.

I've tried to call H, to send him the holiday greetings, he hung the phone up on me. That hurt but I won't set myself up like this again.

I'll be praying for you and family God bless.
Happy News Years. Your father and FIL are both in my prayer ok.

Yes the snow was beautiful, haven't seen a christmas like that in a month of Sundays it was a treat.

I have read your posts over the past months and my heart goes out to you and your sons.
My H was active duty Army when he got involved with OW. However, unlike yours, he didn't leave me for her. We just celebrated our 29th anniversary on Sat. It has been 10 years since he was pulled between her and me. I hope your H and your marriage turn around.
However, in the meantime, you need to get on with your life and your sons' lives. You need to protect yourself financially.
So first, you need to find a good lawyer. You need to get a separation agreement drawn up. You need to go deep into his pockets and make him come out of the "fog". He has got to face realilty and life. Please do this for yourself and your children.
I really got my H's attention when I went to a lawyer and told him what I would be entitled to as his exwife. I also spelled it out for him how his sons would feel about what he was doing and how he would lose all 4 of our children, including the one I was pregnant with.
That was the beginning of the fog clearing for him. However, he did not ever move out, and she had his child after he had re-committed to our marriage. He has never seen his daughter, by his choice, not mine.
I know this sounds harsh, but you have been too easy on him. He needs a dose of the real world. It is time his friends became aware of his stupidity. I know when I told a friend of my H's (also a colleague in the Army), my H was embarrassed. He was upset with me, but I told him, he created the situation and I was not going to lie or cover up for him. He didn't like what his friend told him. He didn't like losing the respect of his friend.

Just my thoughts. Above all else, "to thine own self be true". Take care of yourself.

I am Texasgirl

Thanks MALC and Texasgirl. I am a Texas girl also! You are right. I just e-mailed friends of ours. He just retired from the AF also and he and H worked together as commanders 12 years ago. We stay in contact and they come to DC for conferences. Anyway, they have been teachers in a marriage builders group. I briefly told them about the situation and said that I wanted to talk to them. I just went to the therapist and she said to go see a lawyer. Gotta go. I have a phone call.

AngelStrength I'm happy the holidays are over and hope you find peace soon.
You and your sons are in my prayers.
love
Debi

Hey, girl, you need to update us with your situation.
What part of Texas are you from? I grew up on the coast near Houston. currently near Dallas. Am returning to the Houston area in the next 30 days.

We just celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary. sometimes I wonder if I should deduct the 18mos he was in LALA land as time legally married but not emotionally married.
Just a thought.

Please let us know what you are doing. Take care of yourself.

TG

Update: I heard from our friends and they were in shock! It wasn't the man they knew. It was like a death to them. I talked my friend last night and she took notes to tell her husband. He was out of town but he will be talking to my H when he gets back. We no longer live in the same area but we see him often because he comes TDY here several times a year. They thought highly of my H and we have remained good friends ever since we were stationed together and the guys were both squadron commanders. He was head of Security Police. We also went to the base chapel together. They are both praying for us and prayed for us in their e-mail. I feel God lead me to tell him. I feel guilty but it isn't a secret. They needed to know.
I went to a party for the staff at school and several freinds asked where my H was. I told them and they were blown away. "But you are so darling!" I have been invited to join a book club, a monthly *****in' session, to go shopping, happy hour and go out to eat. Everyone asks what they can do to help me.
Texasgirl- I'm from West Texas, San Angelo. We had two tours in San Antonio. I taught school there both times and our oldest son was born there, 20 years ago tomorrow. He goes to UTSA.
I graduated from Angelo State University. I have been invited to a reception given by the Congressman who represents my district in TX. It will be held here in Washington DC. I RSVPed and will join the local Alumni [censored]. It will be fun to meet ASU grads that live in the Washington/Virginia.
Thanks for your concern. I know there is hope even though it doesn't seem like it now.

Hey Angelia
How are you? Keep in touch OK.

Well, as usual there have been ups and downs but in general even though H isn't living with me I feel better than last year at this time. H is is seperating accounts and he payed me half of his retirement plus child support this month. I try to act like a friend and not confront him but I have also joined EX-Pose (ex-partners of servicemen/women for equality) They can help me find a lawyer and guide me in the right direction as to my rights. They also lobby for reform. I will know what is out there and I can be informed. So, he comes over when OW is at work and the babies are in daycare. He is reformating my computer and helping me with Quicken. Flirting is going on and I even seduced him. He ask how I could do that when he is sleeping with someone else. I replayed that it didn't stop her. He and OW had a party at their place for her boss. I ask what he is introduced as and he said, "housekeeper and babysitter". He is the one who seems to be in charge of caring for the babies, that is how he refers to them. He called on Saturday when there was a lull in the day to see how my Alumni get together was. I had a good time and even got noticed by some men and met people from the area who attended college in my hometown. There was one good looking guy who graduated the year before me both at my high school and college. I never knew him before. We talked awhile and he took my picture. I let my H know how excited I was about the evening. He said I should be noticed by other men. I would love to make him jealous but I don't think he can be. It would surprise him. So, I am staying busy, looking around but still praying for my H to wake up before it is too late. But if I find someone else too bad for him.

Angel_Strength,
It sounds as if you are becoming a stronger person in the past few months and I'm simply delighted.

That alumni party sounded like the ego booster you needed.

The seduction thing, although understandable, would be something I'd stay away from until your H comes back and you two begin applying the honesty policy and come up w/a POJA.

It may only hurt you if things turn darker than they are.

It does sound like he still cares for you.

Glad you came on to let us know.

love
Debi

Thanks for the reply! Valentine's Day was bummer. I can't help but remember better times and long to just be held. It is so painful. I talked to my son in college and he was missing his girlfriend. He was saying how none of us are happy on this day. I said I guess Dad is. He said, "No, he isn't happy at all." I hope he isn't. I would like to hear from someone whoes H came back and things worked out. I don't want to give up hope but it doesn't seem like there is any. The other day he called back after he left the house and I ask if he noticed me. He in fact did and said what he would like to do but he can't. I told him he should be able to do what ever he wants to. He is on a shor chain. OW calls his cell when he is over here and he is late leaving. He gets in trouble if he is late picking up the babies. What a sad life he lives.

I haven't heard from anyone in a while. Do I need to start a new thread? Because of the snow storm I have spent the week home from school. H has been over a few times. He flits one day and is emotionally withdrawn the next. When I have ask if he thinks about me, he says he does but he is a "crappy communicator". When I said that I miss seeing him the says, "How could you when I am so mean?" I said you aren't mean you are just doing what you think is best. When I say I want to be with him, he says "How could you when I am sleeping with someone else?" I just want him to realize that he does love me. I e-mail him the chapter Acknowledge The Love That's There from How To Heal A Painful Relationship.... and if necessary, how to part as friends by Bill Ferguson. When I talked to him the next day he ended his conversation with "Love ya, talk to you later." He hasn't said that to me in a long time. Anyway, I am playing it cool. Treating him as a friend but going out and having fun. Looking at guys. He said he doesn't understand why I don't have them lining up. Well, I'm not that kind of girl. I feel like he would be relieved if I had someone else. I would love to make him jealous. He has never had to deal with that. He might not be so cool with that like he thinks.
So, I continue to have the support of friends and their many prayers.

I'm glad to know you are Ok, You know my Valintine wasn't that at all. I had a date and at the last minute plans were canceled. I want to thank you for turning me on to the site. I did one of his healing exercise, WHOA it so so moving I just said WOW

Wasn't that snow storm something? I was stranded on my Job from Saturday until tuesday afternoon, thank God I brought changes of clothing and food with me. All I could do was look at the snow and say OMG never seen it snow like that. Other than that I'm doing swell dealing with me is not bad after all.

I'm glad to know your Boys are OK
KEEP IN TOUCH, BLESS YOUR HEART.

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

More snow days!! I think I've had enough. H has been over working on taxes and showing me how so I can do it. He got a job as a partner in a consulting firm that works at the Pentagon. He said the bad thing is he won't be able to see our son as much. Good thing is he will be able to pay tution for older son. He can't give up the Mr. Mom thing. He is gone for the week with the little family. I don't know where they went. Probably to see OW's family. I can't get past wanting revenge. OW has stolen my life! How can that be right? Her family and my H's family seem fine with it. How sick! What is wrong with everyone? It is not like I am a bad person. I have done nothing wrong. I am too nice. I guess I am having a pity party. I shouldn't do that.
I just want my H back!

Hi Angel

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't get past wanting revenge. OW has stolen my life! How can that be right? Her family and my H's family seem fine with it</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">


I know how you are feeling, believe me every dog has it's day. Not flameing thats an old saying that we use when a person have wronged someone.
Have you discussed with your inlaws your discontent about them being OK with the situation?

In my opinion, I feel if you and inlaws have a relationship, then by all means, let them know how you feel. Let them know you are dissatisfied with them being OK with the situation.

Are they very spiritual people? Show them scripture were this situation is totally out of order Genisis 21 chapter 9-14 verse read, show the scripture to family and husband.

You know people have a problem with this scripture
because it deals with what's happening in our lives today. People seem to want to rewrite the script to satisfy only there needs. When in fact the Creator knew how painful a situation like this would be. Something of this magnitude would be a constant pain. How can you heal if you are constantly reminded of this situation.

Please talk to your inlaws let them know how you truly feel, hang in there like I said every dog has it 's day.

My h is away this week and I believe they are baptizing the little girl. I think they went to ow's hometown to have it done because they now know that I have spoken to their priest. My mother-in-law told mi in the fall that she was coming in the spring. I think they changed their plans. Actually the only problem I have with my in-laws is my m-i-l. She supports her son and loves the OW and babies. I have talked to her and I hang up feeling hurt and angry. She tries to make up for what she has said but I can never forget. She says she is proud of me. She says she needs to work on keepings her thoughts to herself. But she has also said that she admires Ow and knows that she is a stong person. The babies are adorable. She has questioned my mothering skills. I wouldn't listen when H told me what was wrong. He wasn't happy. I'm in denial. ow loves her son. If he came back he would just have another affair later on. My sons have lost the admiration they had for her. The hardest thing I have ever done this week was tell my Daddy. I felt it was time. He was very upset. He couldn't sleep so he called my best friend for counseling. He can never forgive my H and he doesn't think I should get back with him. He said, "That is your prayer, not mine." He was so proud of my H and bragged about him. He has lost faith in him. Daddy said that the timing of the disclosure was fine because he was going through so much he couldn't have taken it. Anyway, I will try to move on but I still hope H will wake up and come back. If not it is his loss. More later.....thanks for the input.

Hey Angel

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She says she needs to work on keepings her thoughts to herself. But she has also said that she admires Ow and knows that she is a stong person. The babies are adorable. She has questioned my mothering skills. I wouldn't listen when H told me what was wrong. He wasn't happy. I'm in denial. ow loves her son. If he came back he would just have another affair later on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You know this sounds like your MIL has issue and it also sounds like she' not fond of you, she's giving ow props in so many words for stealing your H.

Tell me something do you know whether your Mil H cheated on her, if so she may see herself through you maybe this is why she's questioning your parenting skills and saying you are in denial. In other words I'm saying your Mil probably never forgave herself, for staying in her marriage so she judgeing herself through you (scapegoating)

Maybe it's possible when she see you she see herself. Adultry is a learned behavior most adulters experienced there parents going through the same trama.

I know you were hurt when she complimented ow I was just reading what you wrote. Me I wouldn't have no contact with them at all.

Whether MIL admitts it or not, you are a strong women yourself for putting up with all you have
but Mil couldn't find it in her heart to tell you that. MIL seems to take son side in all this. like everything is your fault.

Keep going to the site you told me about the exercise there will make you stronger.

I talked to Bill Ferguson on the phone last night. He has powerful things to say. I feel better after talking to him. He said I have to feel the hurt to be able to let it go. He said kids are the masters of feeling hurt. They cry and when the last tear is shed the pain is gone. I have to feel the pain willingly. The key to healing is to forgive. When we hang on then we push the one we want away. We hang on out of fear. I have to be willing for H to leave. I have to treat him as a friend. If we continue our friendship and it grows then OW can't put a wedge between us. He gave me an exercise to do where I say some phrases that trigger the hurt. I am to feel the hurt, release it. Dive into the hurt. grab it, and pull it out. He did say it sounds like I'm in good shape. He enjoyed talking to me.He said to read his new book. Have You Suffered Enough. He said the hardest times are high growth times. When resolving disputes don't draw sides against him but make sure the solutions work for everybody.
As far as Mil....she says she loves me and admires what I am doing but the hurt is so deep. I e-mail her but I don't talk to her on the phone. I thought she sees herself in the OW. They are more alike and far as jobs and likes. In fact OW looks a little like H's sister. This is all so crazy! So I am doing fun things and special things for my self. Oldest son comes home for Spring break on Friday. He called and left a message that he was listening to the radio and they were talking about moms. He just wanted to tell me what a good Mom I am and he loves me.

I'm glad you talked to Bill, I did one of his exercise and it was something else I allowed myself to feel the pain.

You said you think she's alot like OW maybe MIL was a OW in her time you never know, maybe she admires OW because she feels OW is getting MM in your MIL case she maybe never got the MM just speculating.

My reason for saying this why is there so much admiration for a women who has no morals or principals unless she can relate. Do you feel what I'm saying.

You may be right. My MIL told my H that there was a time in her life when she had a chance for happiness but she decided to stay in her marriage. Sounds like she could have had an affair. She seems to think that happiness is the most important thing. He wasn't happy with me. I said happiness from from within. He has to have inner peace. He doesn't seem happy now. Anyway....thanks for keeping in touch.