H (47 years old) had an affair with a 22 year old in the past year. They met at the social part of their A.A./N.A.club. H has six years clean and sober. I suspected the affair due to H working "second job" that never resulted in an $$$$. Gone 5 out of 7 nights a week at this job. Had moved out earlier in the year for one month. Asked to come back realizing "I made a mistake." It was after this, apparently, when the sexual part of the affair occurred. Lied about it even when we were in marriage counseling. I gave him several opportunities to "come clean", noting such things as "those things can happen, if he's not satisfied with our marriage, please leave if he wants someone else." I think the lying hurt as much if not more than what he actually did. Finally it all came out, but not because he told me. Heard through a co-worker who goes to the same club. OW got pregnant. H says he asked her to get an abortion because he didn't want any more kids at his age. In fact, the two of us had decided I would have an abortion when I became pregnant, unexpectedly, early in his Recovery and my struggling with major depression. We both have children from 1st marriages. (Ages: son, 20, daughter, 15, son, 18 and son, 16.) OW wanted to have the child. H also said that he wasn't convinced that the OC was his. He wasn't sure that she didn't have sex with other men during their affair. I filed for divorce when I finally confirmed the situation. I moved out and the divorce was final July 18, 2002. We continue to see each other. He says he was never in love with the other woman, but isn't sure why he did what he did. He wants to work on getting back together. I love him deeply, but a part of me feels real "sick" to think that I would "accept" his choices and behaviors. OC was born 6-15-02. EX-H never told me. Heard it first from co-worker. He knew I was very depressed and didn't think I could handle the news right then. (I have been treated for Major Clinical Depression for many years and was having a bad week at that time.) I keep on telling him that I can handle any truth better than finding out I've been lied to. OC was a boy. Suspected at birth that he may have Down Syndrome. EX-H very upset. I offered a lot of support throughout. Down's was confirmed. OW had "no place to go" with OC after the birth. EX-H moved them into his apartment because "if this is my child I have a responsibility to take care of him even if I don't want a relationship with her." Three months later and paternity still not established according to EX. Said he had two paternity tests through the hospital evaluating OC for Down's. First one "lost" and second one "they don't know". Says he won't marry OW regardless of paternity. Wants me back. Can't afford to support her and child in one place and himself in another. (Doesn't make enough money). Am I being a total fool? I'm willing to consider integrating the OC into our "family", although not with me as a primary caregiver. I have seen the baby, after forcing the issue and showing up on his door step. ( He kept saying he wanted me to see the baby, but never got around to making that happen!) I do believe that he could be sharing a household without being sexually involved, but I realize it's a high risk situation and he could be lying, again. He reiterates that part of his Recovery is facing up to his responsibilties and not just ducking out. All of our children are aware of the situation and the OC. It's been really hard thinking about his daughter spending time at the apartment with the OW and OC. I realize above all that the OC is first of all a child of God. He's totally innocent in all of this, and he does deserve to have his father in his life, IF my ex is the father. He said he would go back into therapy to try and figure out why he did what he did, but he went for one session and no more. He says it's because dealing with the Down's diagnosis has been totally overwhelming. (The OC has required extra health care.) He's concerned that the OW might not take good care of the OC due to being so young and having been brought up in a neglectful and abusive family, herself. A month ago he said she was actually handling the baby quite well. But last week it was "now that the baby is getting older and more demanding, OW is getting overwhelmed". HELP!!! These things make sense at one level, but I really have little to go on in determining whether he is being truthful or contining his lies. Our former marital therapist says that EX-H has never felt worthy of good things in his life, so "he'll destroy anything he loves", including me. I am not a victim. I could walk out at any time. I can't seem to let go. Thanks for "listening"!! Sorry it's so long!!
