Dear Jordy,
Please don't count on me as an expert. I know that others on this board have gotten there also.
Just my thoughts in no particular order.
1. you are still pretty new to this process
2. forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, you will probably continue to have triggers for a long time. They will become less frequent and less strong.
3. Pray, after a few months of indulging my anger, I began to pray every time I felt angry or noticed an angry thought. Just a quick, 5-second prayer. I usually said "God I can't forgive. Please help me forgive. Give me Your forgivness and remind me of how much I have been forgiven by You."
4. I prayed for exOW. She is/was a messed up person with a pattern of being the OW. I don't want to excuse her behavior as it hurt me terribly, but having some understanding of how not-well she was helped me with my goal--less anger for me. It is also a great exercise in a faith walk to force yourself to pray for your enemies. That is what she was, even my pastor called her this. She wanted my life. I not only got my life back (meaning my life with my H and our new children) but I got my life back (meaning some sense of peace and control over my own emotions). exOW is surprised (and relieved) I didn't hire a hit man. Didn't tell her if that was going to get done, I wasn't going to let anyone else have that special pleasure.
5. I held onto my (sick) sense of humor. I made up horrible songs about her, played them on my piano and bellowed them at the top of my lungs. We didn't have kids at that point.
6. I read lots of cognitive therapy books. A lot of the self-talk that we do perpetuates our anger and depression. I got a notebook and worked the program, writing out my hideously angry thoughts and responding in more rational ways. For example to the thought "Mr. J knew something like this would kill me. He had to want to hurt me." I would answer "He probably thought he could get away with it. He wasn't thinking of me, only himself." I find it easier to forgive stupid, delusional or selfish than I do intentionally cruel.
7. I went to therapy, took anti-depressants, pulled in my support people, family and friends. I used every resource available to me. I threw myself into my spiritual life.
8. I paid attention to whom this was really about--Mr. J and his own problems and issues. It really wasn't about me. Most things in life are not nearly as much about us as we like to think that they are.
9. After a while, I stopped the LBers. It made me feel better about myself not to be verbally abusive toward Mr. J and it made a better atmosphere for recovery. Besides, newer studies show that the "let it all hang out" theory for anger management doesn't work. The people who have the most balanced emotional/psychological lives are the ones who can express their anger in somewhat objective ways. The yelling and screaming just makes us feel that we are entitled to yell and scream and it escalates our own feelings of rage. If you are like me, it also is destructive to your self-esteem to carry on in that way. I said that if his affair turned me into a person I didn't like being, I was going to leave the marriage. You can forgive with the door shut--meaning, I forgive you but choose not to deal with you as you hurt me so much, I can't trust again. If I tried my hardest and couldn't get over this, I was going to go it alone so that I didn't have to live in constant turmoil. Since I wanted the marriage, it was in my own interest to get myself under control.
MJ
