I have been very pensive the past few days, thinking about where my life has been, what has happened and where it could go. I am not really sure where it is coming from. I just seems like lately EVERY little thing in my life can be linked somehow to the affair.
Not to discourage anyone that is just beginning this journey...it is different for everyone...but I feel that I am not much more past where I was just after d-day, and that is just over 2 years ago.
It is strange, I am preparing to go on a wonderful trip with my family on the Disney Cruise and a few days at the park after that, and I am sitting here thinking about this crap.
2 years past d-day and...
The movies of them play in my head DAILY.
I have a horrible need to tell the OW off.
I think about the affair all the time.
I often cry during/after making love.
Songs...why do they seem to all relate to my life?
Triggers, some I just can't deal with or post about.
I am still wanting answers to questions that there may be none to.
Forgiveness? How can I forgive him when I can't forgive myself...
I am finding it hard to communicate with him, he intimidates me so.

...All this and thoughts of living without him rip my heart out...

I have heard so many times that something clicks at the two year mark...it ain't happenin' here yet...
I lurk here everyday, rarely post b/c I feel that I just whine too much. There is alot I would like to reply to others, but I always say..."I'll get to that later"

Nothing seems to work for me lately, can't find my way to the mall without getting lost(still trying to find my way around the new town)...clothes don't fit...time management sucks...I am making changes in me that should make me feel good, new clothes, nails done hair done, but the high is short-lived. I just feel as if I am always disapointing myself, and others. Are my expectations too high?

I am also always competing with her, this entity that I have never had the pleasure of knowing ANYTHING about until she so rudely invited herself into my life...(man I could go off on a tangent here, but have deleted it!)I still only know what was told to me by him and what was in the court order for paternity and child support, and the unknown scares me and makes me insane with wonder.

So I've stopped Retrouvaille monthly meetings, it wasn't like we did the stuff anyway. I stopped therapy, my third one I must add. But feel that I desperately need help with my issues, but am just too darn tired to go thru the work to find someone and start all over again.

I know that reconcilling was going to be hard, but just didn't expect to still be here this far down the road.
And don't get me wrong, we have had some great weeks, but things just seem to be happening lately that are bringing up these feelings again.
Is there something I am doing wrong, not addressing? I feel as if there are certain things that I have been pushing aside, "filing away" if you will, and just reply..."I'll get back to that later" much like Scarlett in 'Gone with the Wind'...I'll think about that tomorrow...

And guaranteed that I will think of each thing at least once...

Sorry all, just had to get this off my chest...I may feel completely different tomorrow, Thanks for reading...

NGU

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Not Giving Up:
<strong>I just seems like lately EVERY little thing in my life can be linked somehow to the affair.
I feel that I am not much more past where I was just after d-day, and that is just over 2 years ago.
I am sitting here thinking about this crap.
2 years past d-day and...
The movies of them play in my head DAILY.

=^^= Dear NGU, I am so, so sorry you are feeling like this. It is so debilitating. I was like this, too, two years after D-Day, but that's because my recovery had so many pitfalls.

I am finding it hard to communicate with him, he intimidates me so.

=^^= Oh yeah? Like what? WHY does he intimidate you? Dies he do something to make you feel diminished? Please think about this and tell me about it. I am very, very curious why you are intimidated. I had moments when I felt intimidated and will explain them to you after you tell me why you do.

I have heard so many times that something clicks at the two year mark...it ain't happenin' here yet...

=^^= NOTHING is going to "click" for you after the two year mark or any mark as long as you are feeling "intimidated" or beneath him in any way.

Nothing seems to work for me lately, can't find my way to the mall without getting lost(still trying to find my way around the new town)...clothes don't fit...time management sucks...I am making changes in me that should make me feel good, new clothes, nails done hair done, but the high is short-lived. I just feel as if I am always disapointing myself, and others. Are my expectations too high?

=^^= Outside stuff only makes you feel OK for the moment. It's the "inside" changes that are lasting. The attitude. It sounds as if you are a barometer for the mood of the relationship on any given day. If Spouse is happy and involved, you are happy and involved, if he is moody and distant, you get depressed and think YOU are the one disappointing others when you could just be feeling beaten up emotionally. It sounds as if your happiness depends on your husband's mood. I'm just guessing-just my opinion. What is going on between the two of you that makes you feel this way?

I am also always competing with her, this entity that I have never had the pleasure of knowing ANYTHING about until she so rudely invited herself into my life...(man I could go off on a tangent here, but have deleted it!)I still only know what was told to me by him and what was in the court order for paternity and child support, and the unknown scares me and makes me insane with wonder.

=^^= THIS is the part that made me so insane. I had a real "need to know". I couldn't move on until I did something so bold, so rash and so spontaneous that I knew if I didn't do this, it would make me completely nuts and there would be no recovery. I knew I could not move forward until I had resolved this so on the spur of the moment, I bought a plane ticket, lied to spouse and told him I would be out with friends for the evening and hopped on a plane and flew 2000 miles, rented a car, drove to her house and showed up unannounced. I waited in front of this woman's house in my rented car until she showed up. I walked up and introduced myself and she was shocked to the core I would fly out just to meet her. She was extremely resistant at first, but I told her I had to meet her, I had to know, I had questions and maybe some answers for her as well, but I just couldn't jump start my life until I talked to her. After an hour of back and forth on her front steps, I disarmed her enough where she invited me to her back deck where we sat for 6 hours talking.

She was nothing like I thought she would be and she was nothing like me. I was relieved when I saw her and spoke to her and assessed she was really no threat to me. I got my questions answered and I felt like I had resolved some of my issues and I could now move ahead in the marriage.

So I've stopped Retrouvaille monthly meetings, it wasn't like we did the stuff anyway.

=^^= What do you mean YOU stopped Retrouvaille? Did you go ALONE? Retrouvaille requires both spouses to participate. Was your husband going just to placate you and not really into it? If his involvement was insincere, no program will work. Were you uninvolved?

but things just seem to be happening lately that are bringing up these feelings again.

=^^= Recovery is extraordinarily difficult under the best of circumstances, NGU, but 'anniversaries' will always resurrect painful memories. If you are in a true recovery, these painful triggers fade with each passing month/year.

Is there something I am doing wrong, not addressing?

=^^= I don't know. Do you feel you have done everything you can do? Do you practice the Harley principles? Does your husband? Are the two of you meeting each others' needs? Are the two of you into each other and focusing on each other? Do you believe he wants you and the marriage? What has he done to help you heal from this violation of trust?
Sometimes we act so down and so depressed our husbands might pull away from us because they can't stand to see us so unhappy, knowing that we are miserable because of what they did, so their guilt keeps them distant from us out of shame and remorse, thus the vicious circle. What do you think is going on or not going on between the two of you?

I feel as if there are certain things that I have been pushing aside much like Scarlett in 'Gone with the Wind'...I'll think about that tomorrow...

=^^= Sometimes things are so painful and unresolved, we just can't bear to face it. There will come a pivotal moment when you just won't be able to go on like this anymore and you might do something to shake things up just to create a change in the marriage, one way or the other. You might hop on a plane or in the car to get some answers or you might decide you need to seperate because this is going no where or you might decide to accept you lot in life and tough it out and be miserable. I do know as long as you feel detached from your husband in any way, you will continue to be depressed because no one can do it alone.

Couples or individuals who consult with Steve Harley often find that he is often the much needed jump start in getting the marriage back on track or at least help create a good foundation to rebuild. I can't beleive Retrouvaille hasn't helped unless your hearts weren't into it. I think you need some really intensive therapy with the right therapist with MB understanding. And I think you and your husband have to determine where this is going and make your marriage number one priority, because if it is third, fourth or fifth on the list, then neither of you will feel loved and fulfilled, secure and happy. A good marriage makes everything seems right with the world and gives each person in that marriage peace and comfort and security.
I'll pray for you, NGU, that you and your husband will come to that pivotal moment where you both decide to open your hearts to each other and begin an intensive restoration...making each other number one priority.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ September 19, 2002, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

NGU:

I've only got a couple seconds, so I'm gonna give you the quick synopsis.

1. You seem like you're suffering from depression (based on the clinical signs). If your therapist hasn't help, try some medication. If you are on something, you might want to have your doctor switch you to something else.

2. Recovery is hard sometimes. Retrouvaille is a very "emotional" program, and it can often wear people out. I like the MB stuff better because in working with Steve or Jenn they will tailor the emphasis on the rules to your situation. For example, you're not probably being open and honest with your husband because you're intimidated by him. They'd work with both of you to break that major barrier to intimacy down.

So my bottom line is pills and Steve. If you don't want to do the pills, at least consider a few sessions with Steve, especially if your husband will consent to participate.

Dear not

I just want you to know that I am in the same boat as you are. My dday was 6 months ago, and I have the same thoughts of you. I have gotten so much help from the girls here, alot from 1 (my angel) and still can't seem to forgive. I just pray all the time. My H and I have our good days, a few great ones, but it just seems like the least little things pounds it right back in my face. I am hear for you anytime.

DBH

ngu,,,,, i just wanted to say that my d-day was memorial day 2001 and i have many of the same feelings you are going thru. there are so many triggers, music, places they frequented, even her perfume. it almost drives me crazy sometimes. while i cried many days during her a. i haven't had those feelings for some time now. for me i feel that i don't feel like i need to forgive myself. even though i didn't meet all her en's all mine were not being met either. that had nothing to do with her loss of character and i didn't go out and have sex with ow. i find it very easy to speak my mind to fh but she has a very difficult time speaking hers. i feel she is intimidated for some reason. the problem i have run into is "why stay?" kids? their resiient they adjust. finances? no that's not it. love? although i have and will always have a special place in my heart for her i don't feel that special love for her now. so i quess that is why i stay hoping that those feelings wil return. hope you vacation is a blast, pops

Catnip: I was a little apprehensive when I saw you respond. I was getting the feeling that my always posting about the baby issue was starting to sound like whining, and frustrating you...but all that you said to me made so much sense today. I will answer all your questions, as I think that if I pursue this conversation with you further, you could help me sort it out a bit. I may not have that great AHHHA moment, but it will definately steer me in that direction. I am tired, as I only had 2 hours sleep and am drained, and am getting ready for our vacation. Can I get to these in a week? I will answer all the questions you have asked, and I am asking this of you if you would be willling to pick this apart with me...would it be too late then? Please let me know?
K:I am not against the pills, but not ready to start them yet.Alot has to do with pregnancy, and the fact that I worked so hard to get off them already...I would consider the Harleys, but the $ is alot, and I think it would be more than a few sessions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I do think though I need the help, and need someone like the Harleys. Know anyone in NC?
Destroyed: Oh my how I related to your comment "the least little thing pounds it right back in my face". I was getting a pedicure for the first time, and was sitting next to someone else who was also getting one. The person doing it just hit me a person who might have looked like her...It took every ounce to fight back the tears.
pops:I am trying to forgive myself, b/c I know that alot of what happened pre-affair was my lack of affection and understanding. It kills me to think that if I had only done things differntly, he wouldn't have made that choice. I blindly thought he could never do this, even though at times he made statements like "people can have sex without the emotional ties" and "when problems arise in a marriage and you are doing everything to try to fix it, I can see how one could reach a breaking point" but trusted him when he added "I would let you know if I ever get to that point" and "I would never hurt you like that" and JOKINGLY would add, "If I did that, I would use protection!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (sorry, got carried away there!). I think that I understand what you are saying about staying for the fact that you have a glimmer of hope. I have always said, and believe that as long as there is a flicker in my heart, I will stay. It has grown to a warm glow since, and I stay in the hopes that the tears end, and that "passion" comes back even stronger than before...well actually I guess it would have to huh?
Well, I am tired, with only the little sleep I had and all I did do today, and tomorrow is even worse. Catnip...we have a date to help me sift thru all this? As always, anyone elses input is greatly appreciated!
Let me know!
NGU

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Not Giving Up:
<strong>Catnip: I was a little apprehensive when I saw you respond.

=^^= Really?

I was getting the feeling that my always posting about the baby issue was starting to sound like whining, and frustrating you...

=^^= Not at all, NGU...I was alone and pregnant when my first husband cheated on me and I was alone and blue, too. I wonder what impression I gave you to make you think I felt this way? Was it my opposition to posting baby shower ideas for a co-ed shower? That was different. That struck me as insensitive to newcomers, BS's or barren BS's who's WS is expecting an OC or has an OC. I never ever felt that way about a BS expecting their own baby...to me, that is a true reason for celebration, a legitimate product of a marriage. A reason to rejoice and be hopeful.

I will answer all your questions, as I think that if I pursue this conversation with you further, you could help me sort it out a bit. I may not have that great AHHHA moment, but it will definately steer me in that direction.

=^^= I admit to being really curious about this because I think your post reveals a lot of unsaid issues, and once discussed a little, there could be a moment of clarity for someone...maybe even me. Ha!

Can I get to these in a week? I will answer all the questions you have asked, and I am asking this of you if you would be willling to pick this apart with me...would it be too late then?

=^^= It's never too late and I'm not going anywhere.

as long as there is a flicker in my heart, I will stay. It has grown to a warm glow since, and I stay in the hopes that the tears end, and that "passion" comes back even stronger than before...

=^^= don't expect to dry your eyes any time soon with the emotional hormonal rollercoaster taking you through the peaks and valleys of birth and postpartum weirdness...be patient and understanding with yourself and give yourself a break. Be good to yourself.

Catnip...we have a date to help me sift thru all this? Let me know!

=^^= I plan and sticking with this site until May 2003, my four year anniversary here and then I will contemplate leaving, once I go through my MB withdrawal and detox. Detox means detoxification and MB has been my touchstone and restoration, so I will have to think of another word because detox implies poison when this has been a positive and wonderous addiction.

Enjoy your vacation and relax and have some fun.
NGU</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">