I obviously have more than just one problem, but I am hoping that someone can give me some hope, if not some answers. My common law boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years, and we have a wonderful 10 yr old daughter together. First, let me say that I love him very much, and honestly feel that he is my 'soul mate'. If I can keep the tears from my eyes long enough to type this, it would be a miracle......
My problem is with sex. He tends to want LOTS of it, and I could easily go for weeks without even thinking about it...which to say the least is a problem. He had an affair 4 years ago during the summer while out of town working. After finding out about the affair, I left him and moved to my mom's with our daughter.
After a couple of months apart, I agreed to move back home to try to reconcile. Everything seemed to be 'good' for a long time after moving back home, with us communicating and sharing what was important to each of us. He was always trying extra hard to do everything that I needed him to do, so that I could try to get past my intense pain and hurt. After a couple of years, he was reverting back to old behaviours, like being insensitive, slightly controlling, quick to anger at me for being insecure, etc. He promised me that he would be patient with me forever if he had to, but eventually he gradually started to become intolerant. He thinks that it's been so long since the affair, I shouldn't be feeling this way at all anymore, and wonders when will I get over it? I realize that my thoughts and insecurities must be tough to deal with for this long. I just don't have an answer for him. The pain has definately gotten less and less, but there are MANY triggers that seem to set me off. I used to be able to watch porn with him to get into the 'mood', but since the affair I am just revolted by everything from Sports illustrated and Maxim to hard core porn. He used to have a large magazine collection that we would look at together, but after the affair I asked him to get rid of it, and he did. One day, two years after the affair I found a couple of recent issues of Hustler in his drawer, and I flipped out about it. He argued back saying that 'it's not a big deal', etc, etc......but to me, it was a BIG DEAL. That arguement lasted a long time, until I just gave up from the exhaustion of having such stress in my life, and dropped the issue. The magazines stayed in his drawer. I told him that he'd have to throw them out, if he wanted to. I wasn't going to do it for him, as that wouldn't help or change anything. Just before this Christmas, I was putting clothes away and found a current issue of Hustler. I feel terrible. Every crappy feeling that I thought was going away forever came gushing back. All I could see was the OW's face & body in my mind. I am definately NOT a prude, but I just can't handle this any more. He got very mad when I confronted him with the latest magazine, as he doesn't think I should have a problem with it. Our sex life sucks because of me. I guess that's why he cheated in the first place. He says that he uses the mags to J.O with since I don't ever want sex. I am starting to think that I can never be normal or happy again, and he is probably better off finding someone that can be what he wants. I can't afford to get professional help, so I thought I should look for some free advice. It couldn't be worse at this point, so what's the harm? Lately, I have been totally depressed and not interested in much of anything. My resentment towards him, and his feelings that I should 'get over it' will certainly be the end of this relationship. That is the last thing that I want, but I can't bring myself to just accomodate him with sex when I have such emotional pain from even thinking about it. There have been times when I do feel aroused and interested in sex, but they are few and far between.
Please, someone tell me that this will all just go away.....my sorrow and misery is killing me and I need HELP!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Angry1,
Sounds like a great deal of pain that hasn't been let go on either side. Keelp the tears flowing and let go of the pain. Take this time and focu on you. Meditate on what it would take to get you back to a trusting relationship with him, or if that is even a possibility. Take it one step at a time and use all the resources available on this site.
Kellie

My BF is separated and getting divorced. He, his wife, and I all live in different countries. He has been visiting me for the past month (I guess we are living together, temporarily). At first, I never entered 'his' room at my place without his permission even though the door was always open, because I respect his privacy. Then he told me not to be silly as he had nothing to hide.

Recently, he started closing the door. And reeking of alcohol and a couple of times he was hornier than usual. I told him I was concerned that something was troubling him that he was turning to alcohol for comfort instead of sharing his burden with me. I asked him about our sex life and he said "I'll tell you what it wasn't -- it wasn't medication." (He uses viagra for medical reasons.)

Things added up and I got suspicious, so when he went on a trip, I poked my nose into the drawer where he keeps his stuff in his room. I found a bottle of vodka and some soft-porn videos.

Previous to all this, we have had frank and sensitive talks about alcohol abuse and porn because we both drink heavily at times and recognize it's not healthy; we both like erotic films, and he said it helps his ED but he doesn't want me to think he prefers it to me -- I said we should watch it together and use it as a tool to enhance our love life.

I was in the wrong to look through his stuff. At the same time, I am unhappy about his secret stash of alcohol and porn. Now, what should I do? Do I have a right to expect him to do things differently? Am I being controlling and demanding? Should I trust him? Should he trust me?

Are the Total Honesty and Joint Agreement policies applicable to us if we want to use them, although we are not married? We have talked about them lightly, and seemed to be in agreement about wanting to have a relationship based on such ideals... Can I get 'us' back on track with accusing him of love-busting and deal-breaking and him accusing me of the same?!

I love this man and would like to get married with him some day. How can I create the right foundations for a healthy and lasting commitment?


Thanks for your help!

Salt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angry1:
<strong> There have been times when I do feel aroused and interested in sex, but they are few and far between.
Please, someone tell me that this will all just go away.....my sorrow and misery is killing me and I need HELP!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think how you feel is unreasonable at all. I suggest that you go up to the top, and click on the link Q&A, and read *all* the material on recovering from infidelity. It is not easy to do, infidelity is vicious, and it is a difficult subject to work through.

But Dr. H has lots of material there, and it is *good* stuff. Life changing stuff. Read and review the Concepts link (referred to usually as BC for Basic Concepts), as that material is foundational to the Q&A material.

After you've looked through that, come back and post, and perhaps you'll have a better idea of exactly what you're wanting, and so somebody wil lbe able to better help you in the specifics.

But you have my sympathy, your situation sounds very painful to you.

There are lots of people here willing to listen, willing to help. Take advantage of it. But much of the discussion will be based on the assumption that you have a good handle on the BC and Q&A material up above.

Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Salt:
<strong> My BF is separated and getting divorced. He, his wife, and I all live in different countries. He has been visiting me for the past month (I guess we are living together, temporarily). At first, I never entered 'his' room at my place without his permission even though the door was always open, because I respect his privacy. Then he told me not to be silly as he had nothing to hide.

Recently, he started closing the door. And reeking of alcohol and a couple of times he was hornier than usual. I told him I was concerned that something was troubling him that he was turning to alcohol for comfort instead of sharing his burden with me. I asked him about our sex life and he said "I'll tell you what it wasn't -- it wasn't medication." (He uses viagra for medical reasons.)

Things added up and I got suspicious, so when he went on a trip, I poked my nose into the drawer where he keeps his stuff in his room. I found a bottle of vodka and some soft-porn videos.

Previous to all this, we have had frank and sensitive talks about alcohol abuse and porn because we both drink heavily at times and recognize it's not healthy; we both like erotic films, and he said it helps his ED but he doesn't want me to think he prefers it to me -- I said we should watch it together and use it as a tool to enhance our love life.

I was in the wrong to look through his stuff. At the same time, I am unhappy about his secret stash of alcohol and porn. Now, what should I do? Do I have a right to expect him to do things differently? Am I being controlling and demanding? Should I trust him? Should he trust me?

Are the Total Honesty and Joint Agreement policies applicable to us if we want to use them, although we are not married? We have talked about them lightly, and seemed to be in agreement about wanting to have a relationship based on such ideals... Can I get 'us' back on track with accusing him of love-busting and deal-breaking and him accusing me of the same?!

I love this man and would like to get married with him some day. How can I create the right foundations for a healthy and lasting commitment?


Thanks for your help!

Salt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm. For one thing, this is probably hijacking the thread, perhaps it should be moved to a new topic. But in any case...

This is kind of surreal. You're asking people who are focused on building and supporting marriages, to assist in breaking a different marriage rather than resolving it, and then hoping that somehow yours will be better. ON the surface, pretty extraordinary.

Basic Concepts are foundational in pretty much any relationship. Doesn't have to be marriage in particular, although certainly that's the focus.

But I have to be frank, you and your BF seem to be starting off with a lot of strikes against you.

Alcohol abuse, possibly being the OW (are you the reason he's getting a divorce) are not good cornerstones.

Fundamentally, I think you're missing the point of basic concepts. Accusing the other person of LB'ing is LB'ing. Your focus needs to be on *stopping* your LB's. And then draw a boundary about which you won't tolerate the other person's LB's as well. Slinging mud both directions just gets you both dirty. You work on improving yourself. He works on himself.

Hope that gets you pointed in the right direction.