mo5,,, just a quick question. you mentioned that you worked out the details with om regarding your d with just the 2 of you (you and om). would you have accepted the offer from your h to either be part of that process or deal with it by himself directly with om?

my husband says it isnt his business and he doesnt want to work out the details.. I tried that for months, he just goes with the flow, Not unusual behavior for my husband I make all the decisions reguarding the family. I include him ask opinions he just says yeah thats fine, but dont be too shock this is the same man who wanted to go to dinner when we just had one child and lived over seas and he said, just call one of those sitters that take drop ins and drop him off.. WHAT reality check, how unsafe could that be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My husband said that is not considerate of his feelings to expect him to watch his daughter go with om and he will not do it. He thinks when I asked his opinion on what to do and what he wanted that I was disrespecting him and that should be decided by me and om. when I stopped asking he became more pleasant and started to join in a little more.

mo5,,,, wow is all i can say. i don't understand your h attitude and ability to just wash his hands of everything. i want fh to allow me to be part of her negotiations with om if not handle them completely. i feel she may have fears of losing grace or be intimidated by him about something she doesn't understand. i have been ticked off at her because she ran into him at her old work place accidentaly (right), he called her on her cell phone the day after the d.a. contacted him, and he followed her to the store the next day. i have told her all along that i want to be involved with anything that goes on between them and that i want all contact with him to go thru me. i asked her to just tell him if he has anything to say to her he can say it in my presence. she has not relayed this message to him. instead she discusses things with him then comes home and tells me about the conversation. this makes me angry as i don't see why she can't simply say if you want to talk to me we will set up a nuetral place and include my h in the talks. he can bring his wife if he so desires. well off to my sons frosh football game. pops

Hi pops.

Am I right in assuming that fh is presently having contact with OM? Her reluctance to have you involved as intermediary between her and OM is indeed troubling for the possibility that the A might reignite. But at the same time, she may not be involving you because she fears that you'll lose control with OM and get violent. Do you beleive that you can control your hatred of OM enough to avoid violent confrontation with him?.She wants you to trust her that she will not betray you again but she also must trust you to not lose your cool when encountering the OM. Can you convey this to her?

pops,
I understand what you are saying. If the was in a similar situation I would be afraid of my H getting violent with OM.

Dawn

I guess I can relate also Pops. Only its the other way around. Husband does not want OW and I to be together in the same place either. He especially does not want to be with us together because he would be forced to side with one of us on an issue, and heaven forbid he might upset the OW and hurt her feelings.

Tina

well pops, if I understood it I would be able to do something about it.. But my husband does not do much of the parenting,He does the fun stuff. he is learning to back me with teens. But he has never helped with housework, diapers, bedtimes , bathtimes, dinner[other than bringing it home], shopping. He pretty much goes to work and lets me do every thing else. I asked over and over, please dont make me meet them alone, He didnt start going till the last couple of months.
when this first started because i had to go alone om knew husband and i were not presenting a united front and so it caused problems right away.

I am sure fh does not want you to get angry, but I think it is great that you want to share in this and help her through it.

My husband doesnt grip about any of this, he is laid back when it comes to these things, although he did get angry about the step daughters behavior at the birthday party.

tmcm,,,, i am not afraid of fh starting up again with om. in fact that is one of my biggest problems. for her to start again would send me a very clear message and if that were to happen the hurt is pretty much gone and it would just be over between the 2 of us. although i care a great deal for fh and never want to see her hurt, i don't have that deep feeling of being in love for her that i used to have. the bring her flowers home for no reason attitude. i think of it while driving home then just tell myself forget that. i really do miss that part of me and can't seem to be able to find it.
i have to say that i don't really have hatred for om anymore just dislike him. therefore i feel that i most definately have the ability to control my side of the violence. i can also go into any such meeting with a very calm matter of fact approach. if om wanted to become violent then i would simply meet fire with fire. but i would never start anything or go out of my way to provoke anything. that is one thing i wrestled with myself with. not getting directly in his face when this thing was starting and blow the whole thing up early before they had the chance to move to the pa. an attorney friend of mine even offered his office as a nuetral site for said meetings and he would be glad to sit in and mediate. i really don't think she is trying to keep me out of the discissions with om but she doesn't know how to tell him don't talk to me until my h can be here with me.
d71 & t71,,,,, again my being able to control myself would not be a problem. i am not afraid of fh siding with him on any issues either. i think she is just worried that i would be so cold and direct about things that it would cause om to view it as a contest and he would get pi$$y. i simply say if he wants to fork out the money for an attorney, let him, it's his money. even though fh stayed from our marriage that doesn't make her a bad mother in ca. the courts are still going to look on her as having a stable family and a good home to raise her kids in. all of her kids. and she doesn't want them to take anything out on grace. this won't happen either as i think is the same for mo5. the adults (and that term is used loosely) would instead simply play games with child like keeping them past said times with excuses like sorry minature golf was just soooo crowded. they wouldn't physically hurt c or say things about op to child. this would just hurt c and remember it is their c also. who wants to hurt their own c. no one. when one parent does say negative things about the other in front of little ears it just drives the c closer to parent being belitted.
mo5,,,,, i am sorry to here that your h does not share in those responsibilities of the household. he is truly missing out on a very big part of a relationship. both with his children and with you. i actually feel a bit sorry for fh's om as she has told me he is much the same way as your h. no diapers, shopping, back to school nights, bedtimes, etc.. i drop grace off everyday at the babysitters and she cries most days as i leave. it is so sad and at the same time makes me happy in a strange way to know that the peanut sees me as someone special and a base of security.

pops,
Can you call OM and tell him that communication has to be with you present? I mean since fh is afraid too. Just a thought.

Dawn

pops,
I too asked my H many times if he would do all the dealings with xOM. There were times when things between xOM and myself were getting very volitile and I just didn't want my D see that nor did I want to deal with it. I also tried many times to get him to give me his opinion on certain issues concerning xOM and D but he would have nothing to do with any of it. For him the further away he could stay and the least he had to do the better. Right now I have my boys doing alot of the baby exchangings for me because things once again were getting nasty between xOM and myself. I of course got my H's OK before I asked the boys to do this.

hey git was just thinkng of you, I will write later when the baby takes a nap. Hope all is well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 21, 2002, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>