My questions: To whom does WH have the greater obligation - his wife, or OC? I don't mean financial support, but actually staying with them. And in your experience, which one does WH usually choose?

I believe my WH will someday come out of the Fog over this OW. I don't think it will last.

But what scares the H*LL out of me is OC (unborn, may not be his according to WH, but he is sooooo in the fog he won't even get a DNA!).

WH says OC is the only reason he's continuing to let OW live with him. He said having a child "appeals" to him. (This is the first I'd ever heard about his wanting children. We don't have any, and never wanted any as we're both too selfish & caught up in careers. So you can imagine how this comment surprised - and cut <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> - me.)

I guess I'm starting to wonder if I should keep on. I feel like I can fight this OW. But I don't know if I can fight a child. What are the ties that bind? Is blood really thicker than marriage?

Anybody out there have experience with this?

considering more than half the people's spouses on this sight have nothing to do with a child they created, I would say in most cases with the wife. He can be a daddy and still be your husband, however he cant be your husband and hers at the same time, so my question is why do you let him have his cake and eat it to ??? Got nothing to do with fog, he is getting his way and both women are letting him...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

MO5:
He says that OW has nothing to do with his wanting to leave me. He told me that OW comes with OC, and if he chooses OC over me then he must take OW as part of the deal.

I know it sounds crazy. And I know their R won't last for very long if that's the only reason he's staying with OW. (And BTW, I do wonder if he really believes this - I'm not totally naive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

And yeah, I know he's having his cake. But that's not an issue - I've come to terms with that and decided this is what I want to do for now.

My biggest fear, what really makes my stomach flip, is wondering/worrying about this child. How much of a hold does the OC have over a WH? If he knew that reconciling with me meant giving up OW completely, including seeing OC..... well, that was my question.

Are there any WH out there with OC who can tell me how they felt? Or BS's whose husbands have OC and know how they responded to giving them up, or refused to give them up?

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:40 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

SH94,

Before my H and I got married the Church required us to take couples counseling.
At one of the sessions the Priest told us to always remember that our children are visitors in our marriage. One day they will grow up and leave for their own life. But our marriage is until death. We should never forget that our marriage should always come first.
Hope that helps.

jtigger

SH94,
I am 18 months past dday and the OC is 14 months old. We have contact with her and she is in our lives DAILY.

My H refused to give up the OC. He also refused to give ME up and chose to stay with me in our M. Honestly; I wanted nothing to do with OC or the exOW. And H didn’t want anything to do with exOW anymore either.

I was caught in a quandary of what to do. I wanted my marriage and I was torn about what to do about the coming baby. I was furious about the fact that we had been trying for years to have a child, and now here he had gone and had an affair that was bringing a child into the world.
(I still have days that I get angry about this, but I have come to grips with my decision to have contact with OC.)

My decision to have contact came about because of what I learned about exOW. She has a history of domestic violence and abuse and neglect of her son. She lost custody of her son 3 yrs ago for failure to protect him from being beaten by an exBF of hers.

Dealing with exOW is not my idea of fun. I have had several days I would have loved to choke the crap out of her, but I practice self-control.
I attempt to be as even tempered as I can for Lil Bit’s sake.

This is just my experience. Hopefully others can provide some more insight into their experiences.

But, just because OW has an OC does not mean that H has to leave you for her. He isn't forced to choose the OW over you, just to have contact with OC. There are other ways around this. It all hinges on if he wants the M or not.

Hugs and Prayers for you.

<small>[ September 20, 2002, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

SH94,

As far as I'm concerned, in my situation, MM's obligation is to his wife and their children. I do believe that my MM should have done the decent thing and offered to pay me some amount of child support, but he didn't and I'm not going to go after him for it. I know he doesn't make a lot of money and I don't want to be any more of a sore subject in their household that I already am.

Plus, in my mind, if he were to pay child support, then I would feel more of an obligation to offer him visitation, and my husband and I have decided to offer our son a traditional upbringing with one mommy and one daddy. Plus the fact that I think we will have less hassles making decisions for our son without MM and his wife to consider.

As much as it goes against what I originally thought I wanted, I'm beginning to see that its much better this way. Less of a temptation to slip back into old ways. More of an opportunity to show my husband that I love him and he's #1 in my life. Less of a hardship on my head and heart.

For those that can do it, I admire them. But I know with me, it was all or nothing.

Good luck to you...
Noplacelikehome

sh94,,,,,, i don't understand what your h is trying to say other then he is really choosing ow over you. hasn't he ever heard of divorce. where parents live separate from each other yet stil manage to be full filling parents to their children. i feel your h is just burning both ends of his candle. as a man i can almost quarantee that he is not staying with her just because she MAYBE going to have his child. there is something more. maybe it's just that he can't say no to her because he doesn't want to hurt her either.

JTigger: I have always believed that as well - the S and the M come first. I'm glad to hear someone else echoing my sentiments. I've struggled with my feelings on this because, while I think they're correct, I also feel selfish.

Stacia_Lee: Your response made me pause for thought. I've always assumed WH (assuming he ever comes back) would have no contact with either OW or OC. But you are dealing with your H's contact with OC and, while hating it, are surviving. Something for me to consider....

Noplacelikehome: And then your response makes me reconsider my previous thoughts, re Stacia_Lee! Especially since OW is not M and would be fighting to keep my H. Of course I expect to support OC. But my heart and mind say "no contact" with either OW or OC.

Pops: And you make the most sense of all! At first I thought that my WH was so overwhelmed with impending fatherhood that he was willing to take on OW just to have OC. But now I wonder. I think you're right - he's using it as justification, to make him seem like a good guy in all this. Look at me, he says, I'm living up to my obligations (word he uses) and being a responsible father. And he has also told me that he doesn't want to hurt OW. You hit on all the key things that have been bothering me regarding his relationship with OW, for unborn OC, with ongoing A. Thank you!

As usual, coming here to this site has given me tremendous insights. And some I never expected to gain. After receiving all your replies, it suddenly hit me that maybe I've been missing a very important EN for my WH. That of Domestic Support.

Our lifestyle is very much the independent career life. No children, fast track careers, little time for traditional home life, separation from family. Some people have commented that they come into our home and its like being in a bachelor pad - no set mealtimes, sparse furnishings, constant go go go. I thought this was what we both wanted. We love to travel and he's always supported my career (I'm the primary breadwinner).

But looking back I see signs that he's missed the home life and is now getting that from OW. Comments he made when we visited his family in August, about how much he'd missed being around his brothers and wished we could move there. Complaints about how I never have any food in the apartment except Diet Coke and popcorn. Huge expenditures on things for his new house with OW, and I suspect also supporting her family.

And maybe OC figures into that. Adds another dimension of domestic bliss.

In which case I have no possible way to fight OW, OC, or the life they represent. I can never give WH what she's offering. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:40 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

SH94,
I wanted to clarify something about my situation.

I hate the contact that H must have with exOW. Not his contact with OC.

Lil Bit is the apple of my eye. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Though I am not her biological mother, I am her Mommy and I love her dearly.

We filed to establish paternity before she was even born and have actually had contact with her since she was 5 wks old, when DNA was proven.

We have since been fighting for custody. The courts don't do anything quickly and we are in what seems like an eternal limbo.

The "anger" that I spoke of is over the fact that this little angel is not my biological child <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , not because we have contact with her.
I love her and and very happy with our relationship with her.

Thanks, Stacia_Lee, I did realize that it was XOW you hated contact with and not OC - sorry if I implied otherwise. I know I would feel the same way as you. I've told my WH that if he wants us to adopt & raise OC as our own, I would be willing (or at least consider it - don't know how I'd feel if actually offered opportunity!). He says OW would never allow that. I think this has more to do with his not wanting to end A than with his actually knowing what OW will or will not do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But your reply has given me hope that if he does ever come out of the Fog, and if he could get OC, I too could learn to accept and love OC.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:42 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>