Someone please give me a reminder of why I'm doing any of this. Forgive me, I've been in a funk since the other day and can't seem to get myself out of it.

Last night I got upset because H just went and closed himself up in his band/bedroom while I was on the phone. It wasn't that he was in there really; it was the common courtesy of saying something to me. I got off the phone and he was in there with the door shut---no, "I'm going to go practice for a little while" or anything. H "detected an attitude" from me and I told him that I thought it was rude and I also told him I was upset because he had told me that he was going to start posting to MB and was going to get rid of her stuff. His response was "in two days?" Well yeah, in two days. Felt like telling him well it's been two years why not extend the pain a couple of more days---he can sit on the computer half the day playing pool but can't take the time to follow through on what he's told me. What bothered me most I think is I didn't believe it when he told me and it still isn't getting taken care of. I figure it will be another one of those things that gets put off and never done.

I actually told H this morning that until he felt that I was worthy enough in his eyes and he was ready to completely commit to our relationship to stay out of my way and I would stay out of his. He said that he was busting his @ss and why couldn't I see it. I see where he is trying, but the biggest points that I need (getting rid of her stuff and no contact) he isn't trying on. Is it wrong to get tired of waiting? I know I'm not perfect; haven't ever claimed to be. At least I know what I want though. He doesn't see that I'm trying---ARG---so I begin to wonder why should I even try????

Help, I know I'm in a funk and feel stuck there. I need something to bring me out of it. Oh yeah, H also says he doesn't think we'll ever be like we were before and I said that I want it to be better than it was. H doesn't believe we'll get there either. Thanks for letting me vent.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dumplin:
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I actually told H this morning that until he felt that I was worthy enough in his eyes

=^^= Aaaacck! Aaaaaack! Until HE feels YOU are WORTHY!!! Excuse me!? Excuse me!? It's the other way around, dumplin!!! Don't make me nuts here! HE has to be worthy of YOU more than the other way around! You need to be worthy of each other.

H also says he doesn't think we'll ever be like we were before

=^^= That's true...nothing is ever the same as it was. And in my case, this is good. I just didn't realize it until recently.

and I said that I want it to be better than it was.

=^^= This is what often happens. Once there is absolutely no more contact whatsoever, both people have reconnected and are sincerely working the program, recommitted themselves and opened up to each other completely without reservations, without silly games or power trips, often marriages not only become much better than before with a new understanding, but the marriage can go to a higher plane never known before. There are several here whose marriages are better than ever. Jenny is one, I am another, despite the bipolar issues, Happygirl, many women who are no longer here and off enjoying their marriages...

H doesn't believe we'll get there either.

=^^= Most spouses believe it will never get that good for them because they think the damage is too severe and they don't have the patience to go through the steps of recovery or they lack commitment or maturity to do so. But, your husband is wrong, wrong, wrong on this one...it takes effort, though. Nothing will happen until both people make the effort and one cannot do it alone forever.

Catnip =^^=
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Catnip,

Sorry about that; I was being a smart [censored] when I told him when he felt I was worthy (even rolled my eyes to accent it). I just get so sick and tired of him saying that I'm the one that's not trying and haven't changed anything. It drives me up the wall. I've been scrubbing my house to occupy myself. LOL, cleaned the kids' turtle tank last night and broke a nail. Had to get it repaired today; bought a pair of gloves so I don't ruin my new polish with cleaning stuff.

I was very frustrated yesterday. Drupy is grounded because he's not completing his work in school and lied about it. Teacher sent home a note for me to sign and he threw it away before he got home. The teacher called the next day since she didn't get the note back signed. It's the same routine every year when school starts. His routine is messed up (no, no with ADHD) and we spend the first quarter of the school year (sometimes through the second) trying to get it through to him that even if he doesn't like to he has to do his school work. He's very smart and he can do it if he wants to. We get him on the routine of school around Christmas normally and then we have the end of the school year in a couple of months that blows his routine again.

Goose has gotten to where he's getting a very smart little mouth and saying he wants to go to Nana's all the time. When we don't let him go, he starts yelling that he hates us. I know this is probably normal for a four year old but with all the problems we've had with Drupy it seems like Goose has picked up on the behavior. It's also hurtful to hear your baby say he hates you.

Plus my new job is BORING me to death. I guess I strived off the stress of doing 15 things at once at my old job. My boss has been in the hospital since Tuesday (after I've been there a total of 7 days) so I'm the only one there. And there is nothing to do. I actually slept Thursday afternoon; called my sister and told her to call and wake me up so I could go home. When I get home, I've been so bored all day that I've gotten to that point of I don't have any energy to do anything. Tired all the time.

Add all those things up along with problems H and I are having and I just got fed up with everything. I was ready to just run away from home, lol. I'm doing better now though; got off my pity party (and my behind) and started working around house. I was waiting for you to come in and give me a swift kick in the behind and tell me to get going doing something, lol, so I went ahead and started doing it myself. I'm still tired (all I want to do is sleep) but I'm fighting it.