I am in a major mess. I have a four year old boy. It is possible that he is the son of the person that I had a long term affair with. That person is wanting to have dna testing done to prove that he is the father (and thus wants to be part of child's life). My husband found out about this affair almost a year ago. We have been in limbo. My husband now has doubts as to whether child is his and also wants dna test. This is such a huge emotional issue. Not sure where to turn. Anyone with suggestions or similar experience?

ddoreen,

Well, I hate to say welcome to newcomers, because it just means that someone else needs help in their M. But, you HAVE come to the right place! My H and I are raising a C from an A. One of the biggest differences in our situations is that H knew from the first day that I did about the pregnancy, and that it wasn't H's C. We haven't done DNA, as the xOM is completely out of our lives, and never even knew of the P! It's a long story, but I am willing to share it with you if you'd like.

I think that it would be a good idea, in your situation, to do the DNA testing. Why? Because it would help you know where you stand both w/H and with the possiblility of having OM in your lives! There are a couple other women here in similar situations, one even has normal contact w/OM. They would be better at the advice w/contact and such.

I hope that we can help you here, and I encourage you to post very often with any questions you may have!

Again, welcome to this board.

Tigger

tigger,
Thank you so much for your response. I am hoping that this outcome can be one that doesn't destroy my son's life. Sadly, I still care very much for the other person. He was and is a very dear friend. But I am afraid, and know that I cannot have my "cake and eat it too". My best scenario would be that we three adults could come to an agreement that would be best for my son. But... my husband wants other person out of our lives. Other person will only go away if child isn't his. I am also worried what this will do pschologically to my little boy. I would like to know more of your story.
BTW what are all the codes? OW, OC etc..

ddoreen,

First, I will give you a shortened version of the codes. There used to be a post of what they all meant, but that I last saw that about a year ago. They are pretty basic, and once you get the basics, you will be able to figure out the rest <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OC = other child
OW/OM/OP = other woman/man/person
BS = betrayed spouse
WW/WH = wayward wife/husband
D-Day = discovery day(when the A was revealed)
A = affair
ONS = one night stand

There are some other common ones that most everyone knows just from using the internet message services, but those are the basics here. If you aren't sure about any one specificly, just ask.

Now, for a shortened version of our story:
H is in the military and has had mulitple A's. I have had 2 myself. The first, I do admit, was a "get back at you" one for the first A! H didn't know about that one till after D-day for my second A. My second A, I couldn't tell you exactly why, it just happened. It could be that H and I had been seperated for 9 out of the last 12 months before A started, due to the military. That is what caused me to feel neglected and xOM was showing me lots of attention. I don't think that there is any excuse for what I did, and I DEFINATELY learned my lesson this last time!

Now, I had, stupidly, told xOM about the first A that I'd had, and when I would start to try to get out of the A xOM would threaten to tell H about that! So, stupidly, I stayed in the A. It was easier to "hide" it from H as he was again gone w/the military!

When H got home, he started to suspect and confronted me about spending so much time w/xOM. He told me no more contact, and I was putting of tell xOM, as H didn't want to hear of anything else that may have happened. Well, xOM decided to call our house before I'd gotten the guts to call and tell him myself. His response to that was, "Fine, I'll just come over and tell him myself!" To make a long story short, when xOM came over, he, in a sense, forced me to tell H, and H's response was to, surprisingly, calmly tell xOM to leave. When xOM refused, and continued to try to hurt H further, H threatened xOM. I was also asking xOM to leave. H took a step towards xOM, and xOM took a swing at H. I tried to get between them to stop the fight, and got hit in the head by xOM and had my glasses knocked off! I finally went over to a neighbors house and he pulled them appart. H went into the house to call the military police(we both lived in military housing), and the neighbor and I tried to get xOM to leave! He was still refusing, and he said that he would kill H and the only thing that stopped him this time was that our D was looking out the window!

When the police came, they had H go to his command to "calm down" and then went over and arrested xOM for assault! XOM was on a medical hold, and should have been gone months before, but had gotten his paperwork held back to stay to be w/me! I had kept telling him to just go, especially when his W and D left(yes, I am also considered an OW). I was in so deep, I didn't know how to get out! Well, after all this happened, xOM got kicked out of housing, as his W and D had been gone for over 2 months, and then he had a trial, that H, neighbor and I all had to attend. xOM got the shaft! Knocked down in rank, officially 2, as he had just made his next rank a month before, so they actually looked at him as he was before that and took one rank away. He hadn't gotten paid for the new rank yet, but it was going to give him more money for his medical discharge!

So, he now sees me as taking all his money away, calls me a s!#$, and wh*^%, and had still been threatening to tell H about my first A. Well, he never knew that I had already come clean w/H when H had come clean with me! This was also after we had found out that I was pregnant, and since H had a vasectomy, we know who provided the DNA! Or, as we like to say on this board, who the sperm donor was! xOM never even suspected a pregnancy, and never asked. H and I decided that we would raise the baby as our own.

Abbi is now 18 months old! She is a joy in our lives, and we can't imagine life w/out her now! I have received such help from the women and men on this board, that I know you will too!

Now, there's something that you also said in your second post about still having feelings for OM. You really need to find out about your S, and who his biological father is! You also need to see where your H will be as far as your M is concerned if it is the OM. As far as the OM goes, if he is the "father" and your H still wants your M, you and your H need to decided TOGETHER how to deal with visitation and such. Now, you also may be able to keep OM out of the picture, if that is what you wish, as he has known of the possibility and not done anything about it till now! You should really see where up stand, legally, before pursuing the DNA, as your S is now 4, and most states have a statute of limitations of 2 yrs.

I would also encourage your H to come to this site. There are a few H's in your H's situation who have been through what he is now going through! Read the principles provided here, if you use them correctly, and you both want your M to work, they really do work!

I hope that my story has helped you, and if you have any questions, I am more than willing to answer them! I will, however, be scarce after Mon, as we are moving back to the mainland, and our household goods are being packed and shipped on Tues and Wed. We will be w/out our computer for 3 months, and I will only be able to be on the boards maybe once a week. If you do have any specific questions, and I don't answer right away, we will also have a yahoo account that we will be using. It is jnk89_p@yahoo.com. Again, I will only be able to check that about once a week, so don't be offended if I don't answer right away. Just let me know who you are in the email, so I will read it.

Keep posting!

Tigger

DDoreen,

I also hate to welcome you to the board, but welcome anyway. I am glad that you found a place for support.

I think that you need to talk to a lawyer. In many states, no one can contest a child's paternity after a couple of years. So, I have doubts that exOM can make you all take DNA tests. Also in many states, if a woman is married at the time of the conception/and or birth of a child, that child is considered to be "of the marriage." That is, your H is considered to be the legal father unless he decides to contest the fact.
If the time limit has passed, your H may be the legal father for now and forever.

You can read in my sig line (info at the bottom of my post) that I am here because my H had an affair and a child was born of that affair. I am also a child conceived of my mother's affair. I am here to tell you that just because a child has a bio father who is different from his legal/social father doesn't mean that the child has to be split in two. My dad (not my bio-father) chose to raise me as his own, as his first child. I never knew my bio-father and didn't know about him until I was an adult. I think it is wrong to lie to a child about his or her biological origins, but that doesn't meant the child must have a relationship with the bio-father. It sounds as if your husband has a relationship with this child and IMO, that shouldn't be disturbed by now trying to include another man into this child's life.

We see my H's child born of his affair, in part because there was no father around. Our exOW is not married and there were no prospects on the horizon as she was crazy about my H. We see (and care for) Precious because there was no one else willing and able to step forward. I love her and want the best for her. We see her because that is what we think is best for her. If there had been another man who loved her, wanted to marry the mother and adopt Precious, my H would have relinquished his parental rights in the hopes that she would have a better life than the little bit of time we can spare 4x a year. They live 2,000 miles away. (Thank God.)

As for the exOM, if you want to try and repair your marriage, I think that you must sever all contact with him. Arrange for visitation (if that is the route you go) through a third party. Your H has the right to your undivided attention, loyalty and love. (As you have the right to his.) You will not begin to get rid of your feelings toward exOM until you are no longer seeing nor talking to him. He had no place in your life and, unless you are willing to divorce your H, he still has no place. I wouldn't wonder that you H is fence sitting about repairing your marriage if you are still in contact with exOM and having such strong feelings. Who wants to be second best in someone's life?

Welcome to the boards. I hope that you find the help that you need.

Hey, folks--let's remember that she is as much a WW as she is an OW. She has come here in peace. :-)

MJ

Dear ddoreen,

I can imagine what agony you are in right now. You must be so confused and so torn by conflicting emotions. I don't know much about your situation, and there is really very little that any of us could say to help with your pain, except to share with you that each of us has experienced something this terrible as well, and many of us have begun to heal.

I urge you to find an excellent counselor for you to work through these issues alone, and an excellent marriage counselor, if your husband is willing. Since paternity laws vary from state to state, you should also consult an attorney who specializes in these unusual family law situations. I can't emphasize enough how important these steps are. This is a turning point in the lives of everyone involved, and you need far more help than any of us here can provide. None of that help will be more expensive than a divorce or a ruined life, even if you need to take out major loans to pay for it.

That said, I can offer you my own perspective on your situation. It is based on my own experiences, and might not apply to yours. I am a man, and my wife had an intense affair with a friend of ours several years ago. Our youngest child was the product of that affair. I am raising that child along with my others, and love him very much. Our marriage has also healed remarkably, but the process was very slow.

Working through that trauma has been the most difficult thing of my life. However, a few steps were essential:

— My wife cut off ALL contact with the other man. Our marriage could not have healed without her doing that. This includes any contacts about the child.

— I told my wife that I would raise this child as my own whether we were together, or whether we divorced. After many months, my wife accepted that.

I believe that a child can have only one father, and that any attempts to bring the other man into the picture are extremely damaging to the family. You can judge that for yourself by reviewing the recent posts by Mom Of Five, a very sincere and committed poster who is experiencing lots of problems with her former other man, who has a visitation arrangment.

I also have a few comments about your letters; since I don't know you, they might be off the mark. If so, please disregard them and accept my apologies.

You wrote "But... my husband wants other person out of our lives."

I agree completely with your husband here, hard as that step might sound to you right now. There really can be no middle ground.

You wrote "Other person will only go away if child isn't his. "

To me, this sounds very controlling and self-centered. The other person has helped to destroy someone else's family, and insists on continued interference despite the pain it will cause everyone else involved? To me, that sounds as if all he cares about is himself.

You wrote "I am also worried what this will do pschologically to my little boy."

My wife was worried about this as well, shortly after the affair ended. I always thought that it was a rationalization, designed to keep the other man in her life, and she eventually changed her mind. At the time I consulted an prominent child psychologist, who was very clear that the lack of involvement by the other man would cause no problem if our child had a stable family, but that a divorce over a situation like this might cause severe problems.

He felt the most important thing we could do for our child was to rebuild a stable and loving family.

That meant that the other man must be completely out of the picture.

One final note, about something in your posts that is extremely natural and yet also very problematic. You speak of your own concern about the other man and about your relationship with him ("He was and is a very dear friend") but not of any concerns about your husband. I don't know if you can see this, but that perspective is the heart of your problems right now, and (at least to an outsider) looks very distorted. Why do you feel more concerned about the relationship between other man and your son, than about the relationship between your husband and your son. After all, your husband has been there for your son for four years, even after finding out about a betrayal of a magnitude that drives many people to suicide or severe depression. What could the other man have possibly done for this boy that compares with that?

I know that is a rationally phrased question aimed right at an emotional target. But to me it appears as if you have tried to maintain a tragic vision of your affair, so as to avoid confronting the depths of your own guilt. I doubt that you can begin healing your marriage until you open yourself to another way of looking at the other man, at your affair, and at your marriage. That will require looking within yourself and accepting complete responsibility for all of the steps that you took which led to this situation, and then moving beyond admitting that responsibility, and taking deliberate actions that undo those steps, so far as is possible. As long as you maintain this image of a wonderful other man from whom you are sundered by circumstances, I suspect you will suffer agony, and your family will whither.

I hope that counselling will help, and I wish you peace and clarity and courage,

StillTrying

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: StillTrying ]</small>

ddoreen,

I, too, have a child that was a result of my affair. I've gone to NO CONTACT w/OP (not even child support) and my husband and I are raising OUR child in a traditional environment - one mommy and one daddy.

I strongly advocate this type of arrangement, because no matter how much (dirty) water is under the bridge, your husband is going to require constant reinforcement that the affair is over, you didn't know what attracted you to OP in the first place, and your H is your #1 top priority. You can only do this sucessfully if OP is completely and totally out of your life.

Also, the best gift you can give to your child is to create a stable and loving relationship with your husband. I've read over and over how a child is only as secure as he believes his mother and father's relationship is.

One thing I don't understand is how come after 4 years this OP is back in your life wanting a R with your child? Is it just a smokescreen to get back with you? Maybe its better not to even consider what the motives are and just go to NO CONTACT.

Why embrace fire (a second time) when you know you (and your precious family) are only going to get burned?

Good luck,
Noplacelikehome