I was having a conversation with H about XOW & OC.
I was telling H it was brought to my attention that Xow was pregnant again.

H told me, that was between Xow & her H that had nothing to do with him. H wanted to know who told me, I wasn't revealing my source.

H became angry, and saying this is the kind of thing that came between us before. I told him do not use this as an excuse.

I informed H the person that told me had my best interest at heart, H said what best interest? him having to pay CS has nothing to do with me that's between him and xOw.H said if I had a OC outside of our marriage his only concern would be me not OM he said he's not insecure.

H said if by any chance, this was his child but he said he know'it's not. That has nothing to do with me. My only concern should be, he and I.

I told H it does concern me. I have a right to know, if there is another child. I have the right to know and have a right to make the decison whether or not I want to continue this marriage.

I've been reading several post, where a lot of WS have this same attitude about the BS basically it's none of our business about the care and support or dealings with XOw.

It makes me feels as though, me being the wife I have no say so everything else takes presidence over me.

H said there is a special love for a child because it came from you. You will feel different about this child you will always love this child the love for your child is not the same as your spouse.

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MALC:
[QB]it was brought to my attention that Xow was pregnant again.

H told me, that was between Xow & her H that had nothing to do with him. H wanted to know who told me, I wasn't revealing my source.

H became angry, and saying this is the kind of thing that came between us before. I told him do not use this as an excuse.

=^^= I see. You are an SOB for not revealing your source but, H having to pay CS has nothing to so with you, eh?

H said if I had a OC outside of our marriage his only concern would be me not OM he said he's not insecure.

=^^= Hahaha. I would love to see a preview of what ALL our spouses would do if the tables were turned. Thay all talk so big with such false bravado. I can guarantee you that he would feel just as all the Betrayeds here feel...betrayed. With all the trimmings.

H said if by any chance, this was his child but he said he know'it's not. That has nothing to do with me. My only concern should be, he and I.

=^^= Ohhh, I see. You are a dirty dog for not revealing a source and (GASP) this is why he did what he did before! Of course! Such a huge sin and err in judgment should be punishable by a life altering affair!

It's like killing a mosquito with a pipebomb.

Look. This IS your concenr because you are his other half, part of him. What he does effects you forever and what you do effects him forever. I hate it when Waywards rewrite history and rationalize the ridiculous to justify their behavior. And I can't stand it when they say what they did was none of our business and it shouldn't effect us...what????

I've been reading several post, where a lot of WS have this same attitude about the BS basically it's none of our business about the care and support or dealings with XOw.

=^^= This really pushed a button with me this morning because we basically had the same kind of banter in our house this weekend. My husband was screaming about money issues and demanding I always know off the top of my head the exact dollar amount in my checkbook without looking, whenever he asks. I mean, it was absurd. Now he expects me to be clairvoyant. I said I had an idea what the balance was but I guess that wasn't good enough. He sneered and mocked me and I saw red. I snarled, "Hey, I'm doing the best I can... hit the road if you don't like it." His retort was "This is the same thing you said to me four years ago when all that stuff happened..."

Like it was MY fault a comment like that in anger pushed him over the edge. So I said, "Sheesh what a lightweight if something like a normal angry excchange that you provoked made me blurt out something mean. You hurt my feelings.

Then he said somethihng about "Yeah, you talk big and say I should hit the road, but like always, you always "back-peddle" and later say "oh, no I didn't mean it." I told him I only 'back-peddled' once...I don't ALWAYS back-peddle. And that he must be confusing forgivenss and love and desire to fix things as "back-peddling" then he can be assurred I would never do that again."

This morning he is back to his old self being sweet and chagrined and I am feeling pretty bad that another weekend was shot in the [censored] because he has to badger me about the checkbook (and the expenses are all HIS expenses and he acts as though I am spending it at the spa, salon and boutique, casino and living large) I blocked his attempt at a hug, which I shouldn't have done probably, but he can't just keep doing these things to me and get away with it.

It makes me feels as though, me being the wife I have no say so everything else takes presidence over me.

=^^= I found that the best way to combat this demeaning and abusive treatment is to behave as if you are #1 with yourself and begin to focus on yourself and on what you want and how you feel. As soon as I start to focus on myself and less on my husband, he starts to really pay attention...he gets worried. Haven't figured out what worries them when we start getting a little selfish, but it is something that can be quite effective. You have to make yourself #1 as it sends a message that you expect to be #1 to your husband, as it should be.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Catnip
I'm feeling very sympathetic to your feelings.
You make a good point about putting myself #1

I was wondering since H and I have been communicating, everything for the most part is ok
I did stand my grounds on this conversation we had concerning XOW being pregnant.

My H is very good at rationalizing. I read a post on QG11 The post was written by Mortarman, he having a breakthrough with WS.

He was saying, how his plan B was turning his WS around. WS want's to spend more time having dinner together she's ready to move back home.

Mort pulling back, acting as if he doesn't care is working.I was wondering would it be wise for me to do the same?

1.My first reason for wanting to pull back, in the begining my H initiated all the contact.
Now I find myself doing all the contact.

2. H and I had a conversation about feelings.
I felt as though my feelings for him was stronger oppose to H feelings for me.

H told me You don't know how my feelings are toward you, sometimes he'll tell me, he loves me, then there are times, I say it first. Then there are times H say's nothing. I don't want to seem like I'm forcing him to say certain things, I want to hear it from his heart.

I don't want H saying these things becaue he knows that's what I want to hear.I want H to say these things because that's what he's feeling. I hope I'm not confusing you.

H also stated, maybe I'm afraid, I may do the same things to you, I did to hurt you. H didn't say those exact words, But I knew what he was saying.

3.H sends mixed messages, I told H the way I feel for him, I'm ready to pack up and move to his location. I told H I feel your feelings aren't as strong for me because H haven't said how would you feel about moving here with me.

H response was, where would we live? he stays with his brother and family. My response was, save some money, and we get our own place you are working.

H response was yes, I could do that. Now I'm wondering, did I force an issue? if this is something that he wants to consider, why didn't he bring this up first?

I quess I'm asking should I pull back since we gotten over some hurdles to see how much he really want this.

My H is a very Stubborn man he's not what you would call a chaser, he's a taurus if that means anything. I'm just wondering, should I pull back to see what his response would be? My sister said this could be very dangerous, after all you both are communicating the both of us need to take it slow.those are my sisters feelings

At times when I talk about us getting back together, he changes the subject. At time we could be talking about something that has nothing to do with us. H seems to forget having the conversation. After I bring up the folowing week.I think he's confused, am I moving to fast?

One more thing, I called my MIL back in March telling her, I need to get intouch with H because I was fileng for a divorce. I did this to get a reaction. A week later H contacted me telling me we need to talk.

Now mind you before this, I hadn't heard from H in almost 2yrs. H told me he was going to file when we meant at a meeting place. 2 days went by I called him at his mom's house. I asked did you file? H said no it cost to much. I told H you could have gotten a waiver bottom line he never filed.

H told me he wasn't informed of such. I knew he was lieing, the courts informs everyone of that. H family told me, H reason for coming in town in March was to get a divorce. I'm feeling H talkd so negative about me to his family, he feels embarrassed to come back.

I feel he may have to up hold the negative image he painted of not wanting me.H doesn't discuss me at all around his family, only if they ask. It's like he may be roll playing I just feel this. This is what I'm feeing. I may be going up in my head on this one, but I will tell H how I feel.

I didn't know you and your husband had such a long period of time (two years) without any communication. Two years is a very long time to be apart when you had only been together for such a short, short time. How can either of you know how you truly feel if there has been no real bonding going on, creating memories and sharing your lives together? I can understand the see-saw, back and forth stuff going on and the reasons behind it.

I don't know what to tell you, MALC, because I know I would not want to be with someone who has been so wishy-washy about reconciliation for the entire time of the marriage. Don't settle for scraps, MALC. Plan B to save wahtever is left of your love for your husband and give him the opportunity to see what life is like without any contact from or with you is like. It is a risk to do this because it might just be the final curtain to this limbo you are in or a new beginning for both of you...together or separately.

At any rate, it can't be fun living like this for you. At least with Plan B it forces decisions and makes starting anew a possiblity. If you are doing Plan B just to fool him into thinking he wants you and the marriage, then weeks or months or years from now you may live to regret it. I don't think it is a good idea to continue this if your timing is so off. At one time you say he was calling you and now you are the one calling him and he is playing hard to get. You tell him you love him and suggest moving back in together while he is undecided. The tables keep turning and the power keeps shifting.

Don't grovel, don't beg and maintain your dignity. If you want to retain any love you have left for your spouse and you would like an opportunity to reconcile, then go into a strict Plan B and see what the future holds for the two of you in a couple months. You will be able to make some clear headed choices once you are no longer obsessed with him. It gives you a chance, too, to determine if this is real love you have for him or if this is some kind of a quest.

Personally, I have pretty much come to the conclusion over the past four years that when we choose the partners we choose and they disappoint us in the arena of infidelity and then add the horror of creating an OC, it shows us that unless we are able to acknowledge and admit our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them. We are doomed for failure if it is an imbalance of power, of love, of commitment, of maturity or an unwillingness to open our hearts completely with one another. One person cannot do the healing and reconciling alone...BOTH parties must be equally involved in the restoration or its all a waste of precious time and energy that could be spent getting to know thyself and finding your won heart's desire.

I am convinced we are putting too much emphasis on someone else's actions and feelings and not enough on our own. In the past, I have been guilty of being a marital barometer in our house, sacrificing my own thoughts, feelings and ideals for soemone else's petulance, allowing them to bully me and call shots without any consideration of me or how I thought or felt. Now is a good time to not let this happen to you and change the course of your life for the better.

Good luck to you

Catnip =^^=

Thank You Catnip

Yes we had no communication for this lenght of time, not my choice but his and Xow.

It was like, someone wanted me out of the picture as if I didn't exist.

I was reading Plan A plan B. I was reading start with plan A first. Allow 6 mos for this, and if no results start with Plan B.

I'm at a crossroads with this, basically plan A is about LBing. I have been quilty of this, in my own way I do make selfish demands, disrespectful judgments.I haven't had the angry outburst since contact. I'm not guilty of independent behavior, I have been dishonest.

I haven't cheated so maybe. I should start with Plan A I'm not sure but I'll try it anyway.

I was reading how being in plan A, can be hard on BS in some sort you are a doormate because you are LBing and WS could be up to disrespectful behaviors or whatever I've read that on GQ.

I do know, I have an obssesive behavior, towards my H when it comes to not calling. I first started out, I could go a week and not call. Now it's like I can go a day then the next day I will call.

Now this I don't like. It's to much power for one person.I believe he thinks he can do whatever I'll be there still loving him. That's my fault for allowing this.

I have some homework to do, concerning myself and wonder why am I like this.