Update- For the past few months, things have been really stinky between me and hubby. The kids are adjusting very well. They are changing into normal toddlers (do those two words go together???) But hubby and I are arging constantly and over everything and over nothing.

His excuse is that I hate the kids. Uhh....no. It really is his excuse. I may not have grown to love like stacia_lee, but I have bonded somewhat. We get along alright. I am the one who gives them treats and discipline. I probably deal with them more and nicer than he does, but I guess that's just part of the mommy role. I talk to them and play with them and give them snacks and baths and put them to bed, etc. Now if we go out, hubby is great with them. But at home he spends very little time with them. I work all day and come home to fix supper and spend some time with them. Hubby goes to school part of the day (till noon), comes home to goof off, picks me up from work (we only have one car), then zones out in front of tv until bedtime. He gives little attention to me or kids. That is a real big issue in our house. Oh wait, that's not exactly it- it is a real big issue for me. It only turned into an issue for him when I started telling him that I wanted me and the kids to get more of his attention.

I know he is tired of me telling him in so many ways that he isn't good enough. But good grief, he doesn't do much to get praised for and when I praise him it seems so small compared to some of his mistakes. He picks me up from work really late almost everyday (but gets mad if I suggest that someone else do it). He tells me he's going to do something for our house or something simple (like mow the yard). And it never gets done. You could make lots of money betting on him not following through. Shame on me. But then I'll say did you lay out the chicken to thaw for supper as he said he would. Or I'll see that the yard is still not mowed after he said he would (so far it's been four weeks) and he catches my disappointing look on my face. Or he makes me sit on the street corner for an hour (no exaggeration) while my co-workers walk by to their cars (embarrassing) and when he finally comes he'll say he was stuck in traffic. It's a lie. Something stupid happens everyday. And since I point it out in way or another, I am the one to blame. Usually I don't think he is doing anything wrong to cause him to be late or forget stuff. I think he just sits on his butt and stares at the wall or something. But it still drives me crazy. I thought I married a partner, not a manequin.

I also have proof that he has been calling a girl, probably met her at her job. i think this because he has been frequenting a particular place. And she was calling his cell phone a lot too, but he would tell me it was his boss or some other male then get off the phone quick. She is really probably just a friend, but I don't think we can handle a friend in our marriage right now. (maybe never. I wish I was the one he wanted as friend.) I complained and complained and complained about it. I had no proof at that time, but I just knew. He denied and denied. And then his cell phone bill went over the allowed amount, so it is off and no more calls on it- for now. He may be calling her from our home phone, but I don't know. I haven't shown him my proof (if I give it up he'll just hide better), but I told him that I was positive and he finally admitted to me that he had spoken to a girl about daycare providers. My thought was that it mighta started out that way, but there was more to it.

And a different girl (this one is from his class) has been calling him a lot. At least she calls our home instead of his cell. But she isn't polite to say who she is or anything- just asks for him. I know her voice and her name and hubby mentions her if he talks about school stuff. I think it is just school stuff between them, but as much as he lies who knows. And wouldn't it be nice for them to be polite to me too. The newest thing here is that his class supposedly decided to get together for study sessions. They have quizzes almost every meeting so yeah they need to study. But he tells me that he wants my opinion on whether I will allow him to go on Friday night or Saturday night. I told him they were both bad choices and I chose neither. Told him I'd study with him or he should do it while I'm at work. Neither was acceptable to him. He thinks I'm accusing him of having an affair or that I am against studying. Nope...I want evenings with my husband.

So yes, we're having a few problems. Some friends bought us tix to a marriage conference. And we went!!! I thought it was terrific. Hubby says it's all the same stuff as everyone always says, just common sense. I'm thinking well, then how about if we follow someone's advice and stop all this bickering. I asked if he would ask the leaders there who they would reccomend for marriage counselor. He did!!! And we set up an appointment. It is $30 per visit. I know that's not much, but we are totally strapped. We are selling vhs tapes and the like to get money to pay for daycare, etc. On friday he is supposed to get his student money which will be a big check, but not enough for us to survive the whole semester. I'm really scared he'll blow it or use it to leave but we'll see. Anyway, money is a big big big issue, but i'll do whatever it takes for us to go to mc.

okay so we went to our first appt with mc. he had told me that he'd pick me up for lunch before the appt and then go. i'm on the street waiting to get picked up. he came 55 minutes late, at our appt time, so we were about 30 minutes late to appt. said sorry to mc and started session. mc said well aimee what do you see as biggest problem. i said well i react to unthinking and disrespectful things he does, ie let's start off with why we're late today. hubby told her (had told me on the way) that he had spent 2 1/2 hours extra at school just talking. mc said (as I had) couldn't you have called her? and he said well just didn't think of it. after little discussion, our appt was soon over. next time mc wants to see us individually. he wanted me to go first, so instead of letting him wait two weeks, i set up two appts for same day this week! he didn't like that...oh well. i hope he'll go.

okay so friday night, friends come over for dinner. we have quiet and fun evening. saturday morning, he wakes up before me and starts getting kids dressed. when i ask what he's doing he tells me that he's going to bond with them and give me a break and get away from me as i am driving him crazy. how do you wake up this way, especially after a good evening???? i end up crying and begging him not to leave. it's not what he is doing that is bad, it is the way he spits words at me and his yelling and the fact that he NEVER does this kind of thing. We always do things together. Neither of us go away by ourselves. And I have been telling him how excited I was that it was finally going to be the weekend and we could have some time to relax and just enjoy each other. Plus he sees how hurt this makes me. He sees me bawling and confused. But he leaves anyway. He was gone for twelve hours. And remember we have one car so I was stuck. (Plus he spent this week's daycare money. It's always something.) He came back in a much better mood, but he volunteered that he had done certain things. I could see clearly that it was not true. Then I started putting stuff together and finally saw proof. What he told me would've been about 250 miles of driving. But the car had only been 75 miles. The kids can't tell me where they went. Too young. And I only have suspicions, but I KNOW he lied.

Anyway, I tried to mostly drop it until last night. It was my birthday and I asked him to give me the gift of calmly discussing our situation. That was at 9. At which point I realized I wasn't getting anything for my day so I'd just ask for some time. Well, for some reason I feel like I have to develop the issue some kind of get a base from which to start our discussion and that includes saying we did this or we said this, etc. He calls that living in the past. He wants to just get on with what to do to fix it. Well, my opinion is just that he needs to be more respectful and more responsible. I see it as obvious, but obviously he doesn't. I keep thinking if I can rationally walk him into my point of view, then he will see his own answer. I'm just wrong. When I pointed out that the car had only gone 75 miles and so his story could not have been true, he just got defensive. I asked him to just wait a sec that I wasn't jumping him for his lie I was trying to make a point (that if he lies and I catch him, then I wonder what else he lies about). He wouldn't let me say it. So I went another direction. I said ok look you have a problem with me accusing you of stuff and sometimes I say that because you are concentrating on other people (females). He said yes. I said ok you want a resolution, how bout when you feel me accusing you tell me in a nice way and if I feel you concentrating elsewhere I'll tell you. He agreed. Did we get anywhere? I don't know. But it took us two hours to get that far. He shut me up by kissing me and we had sex which we haven't in awhile. Good sex too.

You can see things are stressful at our house. Now when I go to my individual counseling session, should I tell the counselor all this? I want the mc to have all the facts in order to help us and I'd rather he tell on himself, but I doubt that he will. I'm not sure really what to do. We have so very very very much in our past that the mc will have to know at least some, but everyday we have some crazy something that I react to. Like Saturday's adventure. I think the mc definitely needs to know that he lies and does it well. I'm just afraid if I tell that then it looks like I'm making excuses and saying he's the problem. I don't mind taking part of the blame, but just my part. Any advice? Sorry so long.

Print this up and bring this to the MC to read. It's all right here and the MC will be able to make determinations after reading this and meeting with each of you.

After reading your post, I felt so badly for you for having to go through all this after this enormous, impossible, loving thing you are doing for your husband by raising his two kids from an A. It seems so terribly, terribly wrong that he can be so blatantly disrespectful by letting you wait for an hour after work when you are exhausted and drained from the day and have another few hours of taking care of his children and doing all the house stuff.

I hope your MC is familiar with the MB principles and can help you and your husband through this really difficult time. You are in my prayers.

Catnip =^^=

Is there any way you can take the car to work and let him catch the bus to school? Maybe even if he gave you the car 3 days a week? Especially since he only needs the car for 1/2 a day?

Interesting how he doesn't seem comfortable with the idea of you getting a dependable ride home on time from someone else, and how he IS comfortable with you sitting on a corner for an HOUR alone, waiting for him in front of your coworkers--yes, that is extremely embarrassing. I'm feelin' you on this one...

I think he should let you take the car, if possible.

That would only solve part of the problem tho. It sounds like your H is a huge source of your unhappiness right now. He is so full of lies and broken promises and disappointments--many, many love busters going on right now.

Have you guys read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley? That is such a great book and might help him to realize just how much unhappiness he is causing you. NOT to mention two OCs.

I still think you are a saint, aimee. I won't even mention the fact that since he is in school must mean he is not bringing home any income??? My hat's off to you! Sounds like he doesn't even deserve you because he doesn't seem to appreciate you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I agree with catnip to just print out your post if you feel the counselor needs to know what's going on from your side... Your H might feel ganged up on if you show it and/or tell all this in front of him, tho, so it is probably best to do it in your IC appointment.

Making your husband look wrong or bad (even tho he has been acting BAD!) won't make him change tho... I know you don't feel much like it right now, but what are his top emotional needs? Do you know what they are? Maybe that would be a way to sort of change his lazy response to you in the area of domestic support and financial support and affection and conversation and openness and honesty and sexual fulfillment!!!! Gosh, it doesn't sound like many of your emotional needs are getting met, but wonder about his?

You know the MB rule is NO lovebusters and FILL each others' top emotional needs.

You're just in a rough spot, adjusting your life from no kids to two babies all in one shot. That cannot be an easy adjustment for anyone. All your energy is going into those kids. It does get easier as the kids grow and are able to do more for themselves, tho. Hang in there!

<small>[ September 24, 2002, 02:37 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Hi, aimee2,

I just wanted to say that I feel for your situation and its clear how hard you are trying to make your marriage work, raise your husband's children, keep up with the house and bills, and try to get your husband to spend some quality time with you.

You really deserve a medal. But I know all you really want is a good & healthy relationship with your husband.

I'll pray that the MC is able to help you achieve that.

Noplacelikehome

Amiee,

I truly know your dilemma. We are both raising children of As and we are both working so hard for our Marriages. You and I have such similar problems it’s downright scary.

I, too, have had trouble getting H to do anything with Lil Bit when I am home. As long as I am around I am the one that mainly does anything for Lil Bit.
Except when it comes to exchanges… then he takes the lead…

I also have quite a bit of trouble getting him to spend time with me. He is working quite a bit of over time and I am spending so much time alone (and time with Lil Bit).
This is a difficult time for us… we want to have a child of our own, but its impossible for me to make that happen ALONE…

And the CAR… Good Grief… We also have only one vehicle. I must wait for H to get home every morning (he works 3rd shift and I work 1st) after picking up Lil Bit on his way home. Its getting later and later that he gets home and I have had to change my schedule at work several times to accommodate this Day Care agreement they have come up with.

Also, the telephone friendships with women… It took some rather horrible events to finally get him to sever these…

I agree with BTDT and Catnip, in that you should take your post to your MC and to show how you feel about what your H is doing or not doing.

I know I am not much help today… but I wanted you to know that you are definitely NOT alone in this boat… I am here with ya, girl!

Hugs and Prayers to you, Amiee…

I'm really glad that he's in school. He will be done by December and it should really help in getting the job he wants. We decided for him to go because he got fired about a month ago, just a day or two after school started. It just seemed like the right opportunity to take. His school is paid for through the military and his income gone we qualify for some financial aid on top of that. But as I said it's not enough to make it through the semester. It's just enough to make him think we are rich for the day and blow it.

And I'm glad he got fired too. It wasn't hubby's fault- at all. The boss was mad cause he was already short some workers that day. Then my husband called to say that he was taking son to hospital. He had a huge asthma attack and we had no idea he even had asthma. He had blue lips and scared look and pulse over 200. We were in hospital for three days. Anyway, the boss just flew off and said you're fired. we could probably fight it, but i'm glad. Plus, this is where he met the first girl he's been calling and who's been calling him on cell so I figure less contact means less tempatation.

His school is an hour away, so he really does need to be the one with the car. He drops me off on the way. I have lunch at my desk and don't really leave my office until day end. So if he was responsible, it'd be no biggie. I just don't understand why he doesn't WANT to come and get me- early even. I could leave a half hour early everyday, and it would be fine. Hubby knows that, but it never seems to work out. He enjoys going to pawn shops and reading the toilet paper and just basically doing a bum's job. Sometimes he is the hardest worker, but he sure acts lazy lately.

I think he's always been this guy that I see but I fell in love with who I wanted him to be. He portrayed a great guy in the beginning. He lied to me about things he had done and places he had been, etc. He lied to me about relationships, etc. He made me believe that he was the guy that I had dreamed of. He was even married and had four girlfriends when I met him, but didn't tell me. He disappeared for awhile without even a goodbye and I dug deeper for a few months to find out who he was. That was his fourth wife and when I found out about her I contacted her. She told me that they hadn't seen each other in years and good riddance. She was trying to process a divorce and only needed a last address for him, which I gave her. She wouldn't tell me much more. Anyway, by that time, I was very much in love even though I found out a lot of bad stuff- you'd never believe how much. And I kept thinking that even though he wasn't who he said he was, it was who he wanted to be. When he finally contacted me, he said that he was really sorry that he left, that he was a changed man and believed that I was the best thing ever happened to him, that he had been scared because my love had seemed sincere and he was afraid that if I knew the truth I wouldn't want him. I hesitantly allowed him back into my life. I wanted things to work so much. And he charmed me again while doing the same bad things again and hiding better. We got married too fast and two oc later, I do see him making some changes. He goes to church with me. He will vacuum or most anything else when I ask as long as I am there kind of as a physical reminder to do it even if I say nothing. And I don't think he sleeps around anymore. He is trying to not spend money that we have set aside for our bills, but it's hard on him that we have no extra at all. (I'm thinking get a part-time job!!!!) He still flirts and has friends, but I think he stops himself before it gets to PA. He says that is his new respect for me and our marriage. I guess in his own way he is trying. He gets upset when I say he's not trying because he thinks he is trying so very much. But yes I have expectations that far exceed what he has ever lived and I do so much more than him, so I feel like he's not putting in enough. i'm just hoping that we address some of our big issues and then maybe mc will help us address our normal married couple issues like equality.

it all adds up to the fact that hubby does not feel good about himself. He never feels good enough. He makes up stories making him look better. He lies about his actions that he knows are unacceptable. He is scared that I will have an affair. He doesn't want other people to pick me up from work because he sees it as his responsibility. (I could relate to dumplin's husband wanting to fix the car!) And then I make it worse by pointing out to him when he screws up, even if I say nothing. And none of it makes sense to me. He says and I believe that his priority is one thing but then some glittery activity will distract him, and then he and I get disappointed because he failed his priority. I don't get it. I am trying to figure out his needs and lovebusters, but he is not interested in reading with me. I read just everything I can get my hands on. And I like the idea of printing for the mc.

And Stacia, we have more in common. I think I live about 250 miles from you. I look similar to you. And hubby desperately wants us to conceive. (I would want to but I'm overwhlemed right now and don't see us as ready.) There are probably other things.

Thank you for support. (I'm really wordy today.)