it's the strangest day of the year for me... you see i was adopted... i know nothing about my origins... who knows i may be the product of an affair... clearly, i was someone's mistake...

i don't know why i'm writing this... a number of things come up for me... i used to think about being adopted a lot... i always thought i would... i can honesty say that thoughts about being adopted has been eclipsed by thoughts about the a and the guilt/remorse and all that that goes with it...

i do wonder about the circumstances of my birth... i find i read this forum a lot... maybe i'm searching for some answer here... not knowing can be a terrible thing... i'm also sure that carrying and keeping a child out of wedlock in 1958 was not an easy thing... somehow i will always wish she had tried...

to those of you who are dealing with children from an affair, my hat's off to you... identity is a precious gift...

oaktown...

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

Dear Oaktown

Happy birthday, Dear One.

Having given up a son for adoption in 1969, I can assure you that every single Christmas, holiday, and especially Birthday, was filled with thoughts of him.

My bio son found me in 1988 and we have been in contact ever since and become friends. He, like you, struggled with ambivalent questions and absolutely resented me for not keeping him even though he was loved beyond reason by his real parents who adopted him, raised him and loved him. He thought I gave him up because I didn't lovee him or want him when nothing could be further from the truth. At the time, there was absolutely nothing else I could do, and I am guessing that it was the same for your bio mother, too.

There are agencies to help you locate your bio parents, Oaktown. They are all over the internet and most social services have open records now. It might not be that diffcult for you to find your parentage. How do your parents feel about your desire to contact your bio family?

I hope you had a happy childhood and I hope you were loved and that you had a feeling of belonging...I pray you find peace and the answers your heart needs to heal.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Dear Oaktown,

You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> clearly, i was someone's mistake...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But perhaps you were loved so much that a very sad young woman was willing to give you up so that you would have a better life ...

Like Catnip, I was a sad young woman who felt that there was no other way for my child to have a decent life. And so I gave away a precious daughter to a family that would love her and take care of her.

Even though life dealt me some unexpected twists and turns and I suffered infertility through most of my adult life, I never faltered in believing that my decision was correct. But understand that it came at great personal sacrifice for me.

Don't be so hard on your bio-mom, she is probably thinking of you on this special day and praying that you grew up loved and happy.

Happy Birthday.

love,
heavenly

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</small>

Oaktown,
Happy birthday.

I too am adopted. I don't even know my true birthdate. Back in the 50's dates were always changed. But I feel completely opposite from you. I have never had the need or curiousity to learn or my origin. The oddest part of this is my older brother (not adopted) has all the information of my birthparents. Who, when, where, why. I feel my birth mother truely gave me a precious gift by being unselfish enough to give me a chance at a better life then she could provide me, as I am assuming, as an unwed mother.

"identity is a precious gift..."

I have my identity, daughter of two wonderful parents, mother of two great children, and wife of 27 years patiently waiting for a husband whose head is in the fog at the present time.

Tina

oaktown,
As a soon-to-be-adoptive-mom, thank you for putting your pain into words, the pain of not knowing your biological background. I know it is a loss for the adoptive person, a loss some feel worse than others.

If you feel as catnip said, you could try searching for that birthmom.

I agree with what Heavenly said, and think the best way to honor your heritage is live the happiest life you can. Your bio-mom probably wishes that for you most of all, the way we all wish that for our most beloved (bio or otherwise).

Godbless and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
J

=^^=: Happy birthday, Dear One.

oaktown: thank you, catnip... i never feel like i know what to say when people tell me happy birthday... is it really?... how do you think my "mother" felt about the day? i know it's the day that's on my birth certificate, so it's the day that i am supposed to celebrate... but i wonder... was i really born on 09-23-1958, in san francisco?... my birth certificate says so but it also says that people whose dna i do not possess are my mother and father... but, thank you anyway...

=^^=: Having given up a son for adoption in 1969, I can assure you that every single Christmas, holiday, and especially Birthday, was filled with thoughts of him.

oaktown: on those days and just about every other day (until i had the a and that took center stage) i've spend a lot of time thinking about my "mother" also... i wonder if she remembers me on those special days also... i wish i knew what her thoughts/feeling were...

=^^=: My bio son found me in 1988 and we have been in contact ever since and become friends. He, like you, struggled with ambivalent questions and absolutely resented me for not keeping him even though he was loved beyond reason by his real parents who adopted him, raised him and loved him. He thought I gave him up because I didn't lovee him or want him when nothing could be further from the truth. At the time, there was absolutely nothing else I could do, and I am guessing that it was the same for your bio mother, too.

oaktown: i don't know how to respond to this catnip... i'm of two minds... my intellectual mind understands everything and has no quarrel with anything... but my emotional side, the baby in me doesn't want any part of it... it truly is just raw emotion... i don't think that it would be possible to put words to it... i hope this makes sense...

=^^=: There are agencies to help you locate your bio parents, Oaktown. They are all over the internet and most social services have open records now. It might not be that diffcult for you to find your parentage. How do your parents feel about your desire to contact your bio family?

oaktown: i've thought about this a lot... i know that you have to be ready for whatever happens and i'm not there yet... when i was younger, my parents said they felt that if i looked it meant that i did not think/feel they had been good parents... my mother passed 13 years ago (she was 70)... my father is 85... perhaps i'll mount a search later... it can wait... i do not want to make him feel any kind of way... no disrespect...

=^^=: I hope you had a happy childhood and I hope you were loved and that you had a feeling of belonging...I pray you find peace and the answers your heart needs to heal.

oaktown: no complaints about my childhood from me... i had a mother, father and brother who loved/love me very much... we looked like the perfect family... when you juxtapose my childhood with my feeling there's no rhyme or reason... i assume peace is out there somewhere...

thanks for your time...

heavenlybody26: But perhaps you were loved so much that a very sad young woman was willing to give you up so that you would have a better life...

oaktown: i think that it's a bad idea to link adoption and love... i know that it's often done... for me it turns love into a cruel thing... why do i say that?... because my primary primal love experience is linked with abandonment... i hope i'm saying this right... it's really a hard thing to articulate and i think i get into trouble when i try...

heavenlybody26: Even though life dealt me some unexpected twists and turns and I suffered infertility through most of my adult life, I never faltered in believing that my decision was correct. But understand that it came at great personal sacrifice for me.

oaktown: i'm sorry to hear about your trials with infertility... i too had problems: ovarian cyst, blocked tube and endometriosis... was told that i would never have kids... well we produced a miracle 7 years ago... such is life...

heavenlybody26: Don't be so hard on your bio-mom, she is probably thinking of you on this special day and praying that you grew up loved and happy.

oaktown: i hope that i don't come across as hard... as i said to =^^= it really is just raw emotion... i believe babies know what's happening... i believe that babies bond with their moms while they are in the uterus... i believe that they are looking for her when they enter the world... i believe that they know her... and when they are taken away and there is no way to explain it to them it does something to them that changes them forever...

thanks for the greeting...

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

Tina71...

i have a brother also... he too was adopted... we share no dna in common...

i always thought that he was is in the same boat with you... that basic lucky that he got the parents that he did...

our father was in the hospital recently... somehow we happened upon adoption while in conversation... i can honestly say that this has not come up between us in 35 years... i was surprised to hear from him that when our father passes on he intends to search for his bio parents... it's was the last thing i ever expected to hear... i've always though that he was content...

oaktown...

Jenny: As a soon-to-be-adoptive-mom, thank you for putting your pain into words, the pain of not knowing your biological background. I know it is a loss for the adoptive person, a loss some feel worse than others.

much luck with your pending adoption... i hope that adoption today is nothing like it was back in the 50's...

i have so many questions... i don't even know where to begin... i always hate going to a new doctor and having my history taken... there's nothing like having to turn that form in completely blank...

i have always felt like an island... i stand at the shore and see the rest of world on the other side... until i had my son there was no bridge linking me to the rest of humanity... what a precious gift a child can be...

oaktown...