Hello,
I know I'm not exactly in the right board, but dumplin is my sister and she told me to come here for help. I'm 19 (20 in October) and I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We have been living together 3 years now. We have been engaged/promised to each other for that long. Neither of us wanted to rush into getting married really young.

Well, now my boyfriend has decided that he wants to better his life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> by going into the military. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'm kinda freaked about it. He said he's going to talk to all the branches before he decides which one he wants to go into. He also said that he would want to marry me before he goes in. BUT he told me that 65% of people that get married before their husband's go into the military divorce b/c it changes the man so much and b/c the woman is alone a lot at the beginning, like during basic training and AIT. He said that if we get married (which he said is up to me) it would have to be a very small something that could be put together fast b/c he wants to get into the military quickly once he decides what branch. I just hope he doesn't decide to go into the active army b/c after basic training and AIT then there is 2 years that I wouldn't be able to be with him b/c he would be in some other country. He said if it wasn't a hostile country I could live right outside the base but not on it until he got to a certain rank. Which would take 2 years at least.

I don't know anything about the military or their lifestyle and I'm scared and confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My life is about to change forever. I have loved this man for over a 1/4 of my life and all of my grown up life. I'm sooooo happy he's looking at the future and I'm very proud of him. But I feel like saying "What about me?!?!!?". I'm scared of what will happen in our realtionship and where we are going from here.

Hopefully you will have some advice or knowledge to let me in on. Thanks for letting me write all my fears.

Dumplinsis,

Well, I know that there are quite a few military wives here, me included! In fact, Sailorman is transfering to his shore duty(Navy) and is going to be going to recruiter duty! We've done this duty once before, so I do know a little about the requirements, plus my experience w/ getting married after bootcamp!

Not all services are alike, and a lot will depend on your BF's testing scores. I say this because the airforce is the most strict for who they will take. They also will not take anyone who is married as a new enlistee, or anyone w/dependents (ie: wife/husband, kids), and are SUPER picky with anything other than a speeding ticket! The navy is a little easier, but still you need to watch what you do before enlisting. I say this because you have to get a waiver if you have dependents, and it's usually only if you are older(like us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) that they will allow someone w/dependents. They also are a little more lenient(sp) w/your police record. I know the most about these two, as Sailorman could have been something like Flyboy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> if I hadn't been pregnant with the baby we put up for adoption when he wanted to join! They wouldn't even talk to him after he was honest and told them about my pregnancy, but the navy recruiter was better about it. So, I went through all that with him, as far as which service he chose, and why.

Now, for my recomemdations, and this is by no means prejudice. I believe that you should wait till after he is done with his bootcamp and AIT before you get married! Why, because if you think it may change him, do you want to go through something like a major change in your "H", and look at a possible D? Sailorman and I waited till he was almost done with his first technical school before we got married, and I don't think bootcamp really changed him all that much. But, that's also the Navy, where they will spend much of their time on a ship, so not as rough a boot camp as, say, the army or the marine corps! They also don't ship you to a hostile country for the next 2 yrs, or keep your dependents away from you, unless that the specific job that you will be doing for that particular branch of the military. I feel that if you can wait till boot camp is through, and possibly his first school(depending on the branch of service), it would be best! In fact, Sailorman has a cousin who did join the army, and they wouldn't let his W move onto the base, and wouldn't give him time off to help her move into an apartment, and so he did the stupid thing and went AWOL(absent w/o leave), and got in some major trouble!

You and your BF need to practice what we call the "Policy of Joint Agreement". Basically, you both should agree on what he is going to do, especially if you plan to be married! What better way to start a M than w/you both agreeing on choices you make, especially one this big?

I hope that I have helped in even a little way! Just try to keep involved in this major decission, w/o being pushy!

Tigger

Hello DumplinsSis...

There are a few of us on here that are military so I am sure you will get more responses then just mine. I will try to explain to what it all has been like from my perspective.

I was born on a military base, both my father and my mother were Air Force. Three of my brothers are Air Force, one sister in law is Air Force, one brother is Navy and I married Navy.

Being a military wife is not an easy job. And yes, it is a JOB. Being military period is a very different life then being a civillian. I myself have lived both sides now and I perfer the military life any day.

You said that someone told you that if you get married before, that he will change so much that it wont last, etc. This does not have to be the case and I havent seen that happen too often. If you know AHEAD of time what to expect it will make things much easier for you.

First the GOLDEN RULE, no matter what branch of service he joins is this... learn the meaning of HURRY UP AND WAIT. Thats how they all operate. They want you to hurry up and do this and hurry up and do that but they make you wait an eternity in the process. EXAMPLE: You get orders to move. The military pays for your move, thats the good thing. But there is a ton of paperwork envolved in getting moved and reassigned to another station. So they tell you you need to this and this and this and this, and dont forget that, and it all has to be done YESTERDAY. Yet the wait you have when you go through to get any of those things done is unbelievable. If your spouse is deployed somewhere.. they had to HURRY UP to get there, you want them to HURRY UP and get home, and all either of you can do is WAIT until they say he can. Understand that everything in the military works on the principle of HURRY UP AND WAIT and you will then fully be prepared for what to expect. It takes some getting used to, but after awhile it just becomes second nature and you even end up cracking jokes about the whole Hurry up and Wait thing while your waiting to pick up some records for over and hour that you were supposed to bring to your CO an hour ago.

Seperation from your spouse is hard, and once you have kids it's even harder because you are filing his shoes while he is gone. You learn to become extremely independent while they are away. And when they are home the world revolves around them. KNOW that if he is deployed somewhere, that is when the car will break down, the clutch goes out, the furnace breaks, etc. You have to deal with all of those things on your own. Your H will not be home for a lot of holidays. Nine times out of ten he has duty on your birthday, his birthday or your kids birthdays. If you go to college like I did... know that he will probably not be home on your graduation day, mine wasnt. He saw it on video tape. It is not an easy road or life to live and I think it takes a special kind of person to be a military wife. You have to understand that you are not just married to your spouse, you are married to the military too. And it is your job to hold down the fort and keep things together and running smoothly while they are gone, which includes writing them DAILY while they are away so that they know that the homefires are always burning for them.

It takes a lot of FAITH and a lot of TRUST to be able to endure and survive a military marriage.

There are many perks to being military verses being civillian. Free health care, cant beat that one. They provide housing (waiting list are LONG LONG LONG at some places and not all housing is the best either), and if you dont live on base you they get paid more to live off base. There is an extreme sense of living in a "protected" world when you are military. Thats a hard one to explain because it's just something that you feel. There is also an extreme sense of pride in being a military wife and a deep sense of pride in the job that your husband does for OUR country. My father died in Vietnam when I was 2, yet even after my dad was gone, I had all of my military benefits until I was 21, college was paid for, etc. Military takes care of it's own, and thats the bottom line. By the time my military benefits from dad were gone (my mom still has them and always will from his service, which I'm not even counting her own service), I was married to my H who is Navy so the benefits never ended for me. He got out of the military after Dessert Storm and Bosnia but ended up going back in after a few years. I tell you now.. it SUCKS to not have medical coverage or to have to pay outrageous amounts of money to have it. Like I said.. lots of good reasons to be military.

I'm going to share with you a poem and I am hoping it will give you a better understanding of what it like to be a military wife....

The Silent Ranks

I wear no uniforms, no blues or whites or greens.
But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders.
Salutes I do not give.
But the military world is the place where I live.
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget.
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line.
But my job is just as tough.
I'm the one that's left behind.
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man and the call to serve his country not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice.
But so do our kids and me.
I love the man I married.
and the Military is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks
known as the Military Wife.

If you have any questions or anything I can help you out with feel free to email me or post back. And I'm sorry this got so long, but it could have been even longer had I not stopped myself...lol.

Ann <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

a_points@yahoo.com

Hey Sis,

I'm glad to see you posted! I'm sure you will get some great advice here; told you there were quite a few military wives on here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just listen to what they have to say and think about it. Remember though, you have to make the final decision for yourself.

Love ya!

Oh yeah, I'm still getting used to these BLUE fingernails. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks Tigger and AnnlovesCharlie! I really loved that poem.

I am still in a daze about what's happening here. He's been talking about this for a little while but not seriously, I thought. Yesterday he came home from work late and told me he had went to talk to the Army National Guard recuiter. Then told me he was going in some branch soon.

From my understanding, which is almost none, he is not interested in the Navy or the Marines. But I don't even know what direction he's thinking of other than that. He said he's going to find out who will give him the most money and benefits. I know he took the ASVAB (sp?) in high school a couple years ago and scored a 73 on it. And at that time, they were very interested in him but he wasn't interested in them. He's 22 by the way.

I know the being away from him will be hard (I hate being alone!). But I can handle it, I hope. I'm not really worried about him changing b/c in the years we have both changed and I love him more now than ever. The changes will be for the best. The army recuiter told him all of that so he told me.

I guess I just feel stupid since I know nothing about the military in general so I fear the unknown. Tell me all!!! AnnlovesCharlie please don't worry about length and tell me all you know!

Well, dumplin sis, I'm no military wife but I know that if you are into adventure and don't plan on saddling yourself with kids right away, you and your husband-to-be could have a heckuva exciting ride together. Create some outstanding memories to last a life time.

But you know, if I could turn back the clock, and know just a portion of what I know now and look like I did when I was 19 or 20, (well, I'd have to come with a warning lable because I'd be dangerous) I would never have married my first husband because we were both too selfish, too immature, too young to make the big commitment. At 19 to 25, we were both notorious for flirting and catching someone else's eye and feeling the need to experience other partners because we were just too young to be with just one person. I always, always recommend people wait until they are at least in their late 20's or early 30's before they consider marriage because everyone needs time to grown up and experience life.

Out of all the kids I went to high school with who got married right away after graduation (there were about 200 kids) only one couple is still together. Every last one of the others are divorced. The smart ones that waited unitl they had finsihed college, gotten their degree and waited until they had seen some of the world and met all kinds of people before they settled down, half of them are still together, so the odds get better as you get older, too.

I lament not finishing college because I earn about half of what I am worth or what my degreed counterparts earn simply because they went to school. They all drive new cars and travel and have lot's of fun and leasure time while I struggle to make ends meet and have a scary and tiny retirement plan.

The time all went so, so fast...I was just 20 myself, wasn't I??? Wasn't it just yesterday? (sigh)

It always worries me when young women are so needy so young and desperate for a man as if they have nothing within themselves to identify with. Young women often make the supreme mistake of thinking that if they get married or have a child, it makes them "somebody" or is an easy way to establish some form of worth. I think this is the case in many of the OW situations, too, because they seem to think that if they have someone, have a child, then they have done something that makes them significant when in relaity, a career would be far more exciting and satisfying.

Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock...what changes and differences there would be....

I wish you wisdom and self esteem, dumplin sis. I hope you do not place your own worth on whether or not this boyfriend marries you or not because he is just a baby himself. Good luck, God speed...I'd love the opportunity to change places with you and do it all over again, knowing what I know now. What a blast it would be.

Good luck

Catnip =^^=

hi and welcome,

I dont have lots of time, but I must say, that There were many parts of the military life I enjoyed and miss to this day and living overseas is always exciting and what you make of it. I loved living over seas and did so for 7 years.

Being a military life isnt always easy and pleasant, but you learn alot and you learn you can make it on your own if you need to, You basically grow up... well most of us do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Military communities can be a very close knit group and a second family. I think it is also a great thing for your boyfriend to do... Best of luck...

But the getting married part if I had to do it over, I would have waited some and got to know my friend better before marriage... maybe would have been better for us both... who knows.

probably not much help, But welcome any way...
By the way, my nephew is in japan and has his lovely wife with him over seas and she is loving it, and I dont think his rank is that high, he hasnt been in that long.

dsis,

YOU Would likely BE ALONE ALOT.
I married mine after bootcamp. It was TWO YEARS before we got to live together(!!!), and he was still deployed OVER HALF the time for the next 5 years, gone roughly a THIRD of the time in the 9 years since. Depending on their job(!!) they generally deploy less as they go up in rank, but all's fair in war, you know. In the months following 9/11, mine has deployed 3 times for a total of 11 months.

It is difficult to send your beloved off to a war or danger zone, knowing there's a chance he might not come back, wondering worrying and praying so much, reading the news for clues that may dramatically affect your personal life (like the Iraq crisis).

IT IS HARD ON THE MARRIAGE. Being separated so much, the adjustments and re-adjustments add stress. The unmet needs (SEE HARLEY'S POLICIES FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE!) for each partner and time alone lends itself to either partner having affair(s). Mine's cheated twice. Divorce rates are very high. Many career military people have had 2 or 3 spouses by the time they retire.

IT IS HARD ON THE CHILDREN (and WIFE). I stay home with my kids specifically to give them a feeling of stability; I have not worked in 10 years, and it was difficult to finish a college degree moving frequently. If you have a career, it must be very portable. Really little ones cannot understand why a beloved Daddy suddenly disappears and no amount of explaining to a kid under 3 will do much good. As they get older, they do understand, but they are still sad when Daddy goes, sad when Daddy can't be home for dinner, for their birthday or Christmas (AGAIN). DADS miss their families too.

Military moves require us to leave friends time and time again, to never have a location the kids consider home. (what do military "brats" say when asked where they are from? "how much time do you have?") They also do not spend much time with extended family. Mine barely know their grandparents, muchless uncles, cousins etc. There will be crisis times when you wish you had your sister or mom or whoever close, but it will not be possible.

Are there POSITIVES?
Pay is steady. Health care, housing and groceries (commissary) are cheaper. You can find other military wives who completely understand your situation and are in the same boat. (However, some wives who act as though they wear the rank, you won't want to be around.) Generally the Air Force takes the best care of dependents (and we're not AF).

If you like to travel, military life is GREAT!!! Not only can you live overseas, but also travel cheaply by military "mach flights" to other foreign locations on vacations. (If you can afford the lodging and kids' schedules allow). I LOVE exploring other cultures and countries. You also may see new parts of the USA (like them or not--haha!).

You learn to be very flexible, very resourceful, and patient.

Is he worth it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The romantic says yes. But in very practical terms, you can't say you haven't been warned! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Good luck!
J
love my hubby, love being with my kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 24, 2002, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Thanks for the warning, everyone.

Catnip, just to put your mind at ease, I don't consider him what makes me worthy. I moved out of my mother's house at 16, worked 40 hour weeks, made straight A's in school, and ended up graduating with honors. All while paying the bills and being a "grown up". I have decent job that pays well with state government and it could become a career easily. I love life and my animals are my children. I also have a family that loves me and supports me.

My bf has been there for me for the last 5 years. Even when I thought everything was breaking apart at the seams, some how we held it together. I feel as though I know him better than he knows himself most of the time. I know I'm only 19 but I don't feel 19 nor do I think I act 19. I feel like I was 18 at 16 so I guess I would be around 21 to 22, if I went by my feelings. I never went through the feeling of missing my teen years (maybe it will come later but I don't feel it now). I never dated many other people and don't miss it. I feel lucky to have this relationship. I enjoy being an independent person, but I like to have someone to kiss goodnight.

I feel like we could make the marriage work thru the beginning of the military and with a little luck we will be in the 45% that make it forever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He just scared me with this big change and I didn't know who to ask since no one in my family is in the military.

I'm really glad that you decided to answer my questions and I feel like I know a little more of what to expect. Thank you!

One more question though, can you normally bring your pets with you when you move with the military? They are really my babies!

dsis,
I felt similarly when I married at 18, and I don't mean that to be condescending at all. I can't begin to tell you how H and I have grown since then, but I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Re: pets, you CAN take them MOST places, but it may cost you extra (make sure you have all shots/ paperwork up-to-date) and there is a limit as to how many you can have on-base. Some bases it's 2 pets, some bases it's 3. Some foreign counties and Hawaii (Hawaii is one month kenneled, some pets are never the same) have a quarentine period or do not allow pets coming from USA. It depends on the country.

Prayers,
J

dsis,
I have been a military dependent for 40 years now and do not regret a moment of it.

I married my STBXH after hehad been in for 2 years, married very young 18 and 20.

I have read the things that have been posted to you, and will agree that the AF takes the best care of their people and families.

Each branch of the service now has Family Support Centers, which are awesome and vitally important to new enlistees and their spouses, if BF goes in make sure that you use the FSC.

Like stated earlier the military has great benefits, and after 21+ years of marriage I will maintain all of my benefits, (healthcare, commissary, bx) and will receive half of STBXH retirement pay.

I am in agreement with others to wait for marriage til his first duty assignment. Basic and tech schools are hard enough, without the pressure of a new marriage on a person too!!! You have waited this long for marriage what is a little bit more time? Have you thought about going in at the same time? They are offering a 100% on college right now!!! If you both go into the same branch they work really hard to keep you together with Joint spouse preference. Just a thought, I wish I had went in 20 + years ago when I came out of HS, I have regretted that for many years!!!

Just my 2 cents for the night. I would suggest that you go read the POJA, you can get all the advice on the military that you want or need, but if you and the BF aren't on the same page it won't matter what he does, as you probably won't be with him!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Daybreak. I did read the POJA and I do agree with him. This will be very good for him and us. I was just worried about what I was getting into. From what I've gathered so far, I have nothing to worry about. We'll make it. Thanks!

Dear Dumplinsis,

I am not flaming you, but I am not sure that you heard some of the things that were said in response to your question. I think this because you responded that "we have nothing to worry about." First of all, every military wife you have met on this board is here because either they, their spouse or both of them have had an affair that resulted in a child. That is a great deal to worry about.

The military is not conducive to good marriages. The Harleys think that married couples should spend very little time apart from each other and that is exactly the opposite of what the military is going to do to your lives.

I will admit that I have a prejudice. I was an officer's wife in the Navy for 9 years and then he finished up in the Reserves. I hated my years connected with the service. I have some good memories now; I especially enjoyed living overseas, but the loneliness and the marriage difficulties were almost unsurmountable for me. It lead us to lead lives that were pleasant, not full of fighting and arguing, but very, very disconnected. I would say that the habits we built early in our marriage of being so self-sufficient planted the seeds for his affair.

We were apart so much we had to learn to be happy "doing our own thing." When he got out we both continued to lead happy, fulfilling lives but only passing each other at the dinner table then it was his pool night out, or my night at the theater or volunteering or taking a German class. We spent a lot of time working on ourselves and not much time on our marriage.

You two (just like all married couples) are going to need a plan on how you will remain faithful. It must involve a safe way when either one of you can say "Honey, you know I love you, but something is wrong--that other guy or gal over there is starting to look pretty attractive to me. I think we need a plan to keep our marriage safe.

Aside from that, I hated the way that the Navy felt like an extension of his fraternity. He was always with the guys. If I tagged along I was the intruder, I didn't belong on the bar stool or the golf course or the softball field next to my husband, I was supposed to be off with the wives learning a new cookie recipe. I don't do girl stuff very well, at least not in big groups where I am expected to do what all the other girls are doing. I like the home arts, but don't ever tell me I am supposed to raise money for homeless children who don't have gifts at Christmas. I think it is a very worthwhile thing to do, but don't try to make me do it.

Being enlisted brings its own set of problems: often having to do with lack of money in the beginning. Being an officer's wife brings it own sets: you often have a university degree, even an advanced degree. A career is often not possible due to the frequent moves. If you don't have children (I am infertile) you don't fit in with the rest of the wives who are busy raising their young families and are often content to be staying home. Officers' wives are still expected to be gracious hostesses and do volunteer work. I caught crap from other officers' wives because I was waitressing in a local cafe. It was, apparently, OK to work at the botique on Main Street for minimum wage. It wasn't OK to wait on people. Tarnished the image of Naval Officer's wife.

A military life is centered on the career and schedule of the military member. Your life will revolve around when he is home, when he is away, what nights he has duty. The only thing I like about his going away for 6 months is that I could finally make plans for what I was going to do more than one day in advance. We couldn't even buy theater tickets a week in advance because our lives revolved around the call of his mistresss--at that time the "duty roster." You will miss family events like the birth of your nieces and nephews because you will be at far-flung parts of the country and world (if you are lucky).

I have friends from 'my" Navy days who are still supporting their husbands in their careers. I admire them; they remain some of my best friends. We suffered deployments and airplane crashes together, we knew our husbands were going out to work most days and might not come home that night.
However, I did not fit the life. I wanted a life that was more balanced between our careers, that left time for an adequate married life and family life. They used to say "If the Navy wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one in your seabag." In my opinion that about sums up the military's opinion of the men and women who support the active duty personnel.

Thank you for replying MaryJanes. But all I was saying is that I don't think I have to worry about the unknown. I've been warned and understand what happens to military wives. I didn't make that very clear in my last post, but only b/c I didn't have the time to type. I'm just hoping for the best. He needs a good change in his life and I support him.