Had a big blowout with H the other day. I asked him if he wanted to take the afternoon off to spend with me and he said he couldn't. But then he calls an hour later to say that the surf was up and he was going to catch some waves. I tried not to LB but I guess anything short of an enthusiastic, "great, go have a good time!" would have been a LB to him. I guess he could sense something was wrong in my voice and asked what was wrong, but when I tried to gently explain that I felt like he didn't want to spend time with me, it set him off in a major way.

H then goes into a dissertation about all he has done for me. How he has taken me back after an affair, raised OC as his own, especially after he knew I was pining away for MM for months after the breakup (and probably still am), let me go part-time so I can be home with our son, but which puts more of a financial burden on him - so much so that he's going to have to go out and get a 2nd job. And to top it all off, even after he's done all this, he knows deep down in his heart that I'm still going to leave him eventually. So if he wants to take the afternoon off and go surfing, I shouldn't give him any grief.

After all that, I really felt the wind had been knocked out of me and I said, fine, go surfing ever day if that's what you want. I wasn't trying to be a killjoy - I just wanted to spend some time with him. It seems like whenever he has some free time he always has something else to do other than spend time with me. And when he does finally carve out some time for me, it seems like its such an effort for him.

The bottom line is that I feel like we are spinning our wheels. This is what got us into the problem in the first place. Not so much H's surfing - although he'll admit its his life - but my feeling neglected by him.

Before my affair, H used to leave me home an awful lot by myself. He'd go on surf trips out of the country and while I never felt there was another woman, I was jealous of his love of the ocean and the time he spent with all his surf buddies.

On Saturdays, I would look forward to sleeping in with him but shortly after we were married, he started getting up at the crack of dawn to "go check the waves." Since I liked to sleep late, he would stay out until noon, figuring I was just home sleeping anyway.

On Sundays, I'd look forward to us going to church together. But he'd be tired, or sore from surfing the day before, or some other lame excuse and before I knew it, I was regularly attending church by myself and my church friends stopped asking me where my husband was.

Not that I'm making excuses for myself, but it was very easy for me to fall into an affair. H and I ended up having 2 separate social lives. I tried in all earnest to go with him to surfing activities, even tried to take up the sport myself, but I just don't have the obsession for it like he does. And I got tired of sitting on the beach by myself, in the hot sun, or the rain, for hours on end watching him surf. I do the newsletter for his surf club and have even tried to make friends with some of the other surfer wives, but they are a big drinking and pot smoking crowd and its not always easy to find things in common.

Now, after the affair, I seem to be the one doing all the reading, counseling, and making the effort to fix what was wrong. We started reading together but soon it was just me reading and putting all the finished books on his nightstand for him to read, but only to sit there untouched and collect dust. I've printed out questionnaires for us to fill out and he says he's interested, but never seems to get around to completing them. I've shared this website with him and send him links, but its always me putting things in front of him and begging him to take an interest.

I feel some of the old resentments creeping up and I don't want to go there again. I know insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results, but I don't know what to do differently. It seems like H is under a tremendous amount of pressure and I don't want to begrudge him his time to decompress and have his own activities. But at the same time, I don't want to be left alone, and leave myself open for another affair (as H predicts).

Anyone with some ideas?

Wish I had some advice. My husband does the same (not by surfing). I feel neglected too. Weird to me after all the promises of a life "together". And when I confront, he can't figure out why I'm upset.

Here's the really funny thing... I just told my husband about what yours did and he got it. He said you mean he wanted to go surfing after he'd just told her that he couldn't be with her??? I said yes, it must have really hurt her feelings and he says well yeah I guess so.

I just wish he'd wake up when he's doing it to me. Prayers your way...

Thanks, aimee2 - maybe we'll get some good advice from the others. If I find some kind of a solution, I'll let you know. Prayers your way, too.

nplh,,,,, while i think your h's going surfing after he told you he was busy working was wrong, i do feel i understand some of what he is feeling.
for me fullhouse had started complaining about my physical appearance (getting out of shape). i had felt for a long time that she would one day get herself back in shape and leave me for someone else and that's what happened during her a. so here i am after 22 years together. loving her regardless of her wieght or physical shape with the same out of shape w i had loved for so many years. the only time she got herself back down to fighting wieght in 20 some years she goes out and fools around with some jamoke. now remember she was losing wieght i also lost 40 lbs. and without trying to sound arrogant, was looking pretty darn good myself, but she missed it. now i believe that she will not be able to handle the recovery period and will leave me some day anyway. TRUST. the piont i was going to make is that for all thoose years i gave up things that i enjoyed doing for her and our family. i tried to get her to engage in things that we could do together but she always refused to even try. now as your h says i am raising some other mans child (in some instances this is not such a painful thing, 2 divorcees marry forming an extended family). so now i am doing things that i like for awhile. i am not chasing women or hunting an a. but i am enjoying life alittle. i take our kids to the lake with me. she stopped enjoying that as it was to hard on her with an infant (the little peanut is just 9 months). this weekend i am off to las vegas with the guys on a company sponsored trip. i go to the h.s. football games on friday nights with my son. i will start golfing again on occasion. bought her lessons so we could do that together but she was to imbarassed (sp?) to try. these are things that she didn't like doing and i stopped doing for that reason. now the rules of our marriage have changed. although i love fh and always will it is my time right now to try and find some piece in all this mess. the reason i feel she will leave me again is that she says she wanted more time with me. we were raising a family of 9 now 10. we would go out together, NO kids at least once a week and were beginning to find time to escape for a weekend or a night at a motel somewhere every 6 months or so. now she feels alone again and i don't know how to fix that for her right now. maybe it is that i am not comfortable with her and me and peanut in public yet. although i think the peanut is as cute as can be i don't feel like dad. more like grandpa. for me this could be that we are still waiting to see what om is going to want as far as visitation goes. he knows now he has to pay thanks to the d.a. and is talking like he wants something for his buck. we'll have to wait and see on that. i have to go now and drop grace off at the babysitter's. i will right more when i return after the weekend. i don't know if this makes sense but i hope it helps you somehow.

Pops,

Thank you for your reply, and yes, it does make sense. After all that's happened, if surfing gives my husband some peace of mind and enjoyment, then I should be inclined to let him have his time.

My only worry is that he doesn't really want to spend time with me. If I said that to him he would say, "how could you say that after all I've done?!" But I wonder if he just took me back out of obligation.

I guess its just going to take time and repeated efforts to find things that we both like to do and carve out the time to do them. While I would love if he took the initiative to plan those outings, I guess he does have his plate full with working full-time and the stresses that go along with that, as well as the other activities that he has going on.

I know how important Recreational Companionship is for most men so I will try to make more of an effort to join him in his surfing activities. My top EN seems to be conversation, so hopefully with the added time together my need will be met.

Looking forward to hearing what else you might have to share.