Dear NPLH,
No, I certainly don't mind you asking me a question. I wouldn't have posted that part of my story if I would have minded.
Terminology:
Dad/father = the man who raises you
Birth-father/bio-father = the man who is your biological father
I learned the truth from my mother when I was about 36 years old. My family was going through a whole upheaval about family secrets and lies. Plus we were going through genetic testing because of a birth defect that I have. The doctors told us that it didn't run in families and that my sisters couldn't pass it along to their children--not true as one of them did. Well, one of my female cousins did. My parents were afraid that in the course of genetic testing the truth was going to come out and they decided to tell me.
I think my mother was brave to come forward and admit the truth. However, IMO, it was a way-too-late way to learn. I felt like I lost my world. I wasn't "related" to the person I loved and admired most in life, my father. If I had been raised knowing the truth and had been given the skills and counseling to deal with it, I don't think my collapse would have been as severe. I suffered a depression as deep as when I learned of my H's affair. Suddenly my sisters were half-sisters and my half-sisters weren't sisters at all. Well, that's what I thought when I was first processing the news. After a while, a few months maybe, I was able to resolve this in my head and heart. I wanted to adopt children and I knew very well that a sense of family doesn't have to resolve around shared genes but more appropriately around shared experiences and love. I took me some time to apply those concepts to my own life. I hope it doesn't take my children, whom we just adopted at ages 7 and 10, that much pain and heartache to figure this out, but I imagine that it will.
The kindest thing said to me through all of this is I was talking to my step-mother one day and I just sobbed into the phone that "I have lost everything of my dad." She said "Of all of his children (there are 7 girls) you are the most like your father. It is why I have always felt most comfortable with you. You remind me so much of him. You have his intelligence and sense of humor. You are kind and gentle, you love to be around people and people love being around you. You have a way with people that I have only seen in one other person--your father." She was, for me, the key to redefining myself. She handed me all the puzzle pieces I needed; I just had to put them together.
I didn't have conscious doubts about my paternity but there must have been something subconscious going on. When my mother told me the truth, she said that I always talked about how I didn't look like my father. I never really knew that I didn't until my wedding pictures came back. From that point on my lack of resemblence to my father intrigued but didn't distress me. Mr. J says that he is much happier that I look like my mother than like my father or my sisters. Mom is beautiful and Dad, well, he's not the most handsome man in the world, but his face is dear to me and I would love to have some of his features.
I also kept talking about how much I looked like one of my cousins. It turns out that there is a reason for that. My mother and her sister were dating two brothers. My aunt married one and had children. My mother broke up with the brother, married my dad, separated from my dad, got pregnant by the brother, got back together with my dad and they raised me as their own. So, I have what are called double counsins. I am as genetically related to them as I am to my sisters (who are biologically, half-sisters). We share 1/4 of our genes. I have one who looks like she could be my twin; we even have nearly identical voices--although we also share the same birth defect that affects voice, height and some other physical features.
The shared genetics is important probably only to the extent that we might want to know if anyone was ill with a genetic condition or someone needed a transplant. For example, my half-sister (turns out we don't share any genes) was nearly dying at age 14 from a suicide attempt. It looked like she was going to need someone in the family to donate half a liver. I flew to her bedside to make the offer, not knowing that I had as much a chance of matching her as any person we pulled off the street.
I have since returned to calling everyone by the names I always have--sisters that I grew up with are once again sisters, not half-sisters. Half-sisters have been promoted back to the lofty status of being my half-sisters--lucky them. *big wicked grin* (They don't have a graemlin for that one.)
My birth-father is on the fringe of my family's circle of acquantices. I see him every so often, but he doesn't know about me, at least he doesn't acknowledge me. My mother never told him she was pregnant; she just went back to my father. I don't have any desire to let him know who I am. I have all the "dad" I need in this life. My birth father has alcohol problems. My dad is a recovering alcoholic who became sober very early in the disease, maybe even before it became a disease. He just saw that his drinking was detrimental to his family and he stopped. I saw my birth father at a party about a year after I learned who he is. Up until that point I had been thinking of telling him who I was and asking my one true question "Can't you count to 9 you idiot?"
When I was deciding if I wanted to tell him who I am, my mother asked me some very pertinet questions. I think all people need to ask themselves the same questions (and more) before meeting an unknown birth parent:
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- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you want to get out of meeting him?</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of relationship do you expect with him?</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"What if he wants to be/replace your father?"</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"What if he totally denies that he is your bio-father? Are you ready for that rejection?</font></li>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Are you ready to lose the control over who knows this about you and who doesn't? Because right now this is your private information and you decide who to share it with. Once you tell him you have less control over it."</font></li>
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She said that she could stand it if he was angry or even furious at her and that she would do whatever I thought was best for me. She hoped that people would come to understand that she had done what she thought was best for her child. (She could see my birth-fathers alcohol and shiftlessness problems developing.)
I said "Well, if he knows about me then he has to include me in his will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> She said "What are you going to inherit? I think all he has is a pick-up truck and a case of beer." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
To make my long point even longer. I think that your son needs to know from an early age (starting at about age 3 maybe) about his true paternity. No matter what age kids are told that they are adopted they wish that they had been told sooner and I equate this as being somehow like adoption. It almost seems best to tell them before they know what the words mean. As they grow they will put meaning to the words and have questions that are age appropriate for them. They tend to ask what they want or need to know as long as they get the sense that the parents are open to talking about it.
None of this means that you have to establish a relationship for your son with his birthfather. The biggest thing to avoid is that you lie to him or even appear that you have lied. When I first learned the truth, I felt that my parents had lied to me every time my father called and said "Hi, it's Dad. How are you?" or my mother said "Don't forget to get a card for your Dad's birthday." When I was once again able to piece back together that my dad really was my father in every sense of the word, I was able to see that they weren't lying. Just as I am not lying when I tell our newly adopted sons that "Mama and Papa love you." Both parts of that sentnce are true--we are their parents and we do love them. They were born to someone else but we are their mom and dad and we do love them--to infinity and beyond.
My feeling is that most time when parents are trying to keep information from a child (especially when that information is directly about that child) the parents is trying to shield himself or herself, not the child.
From the age of about 6 to 8 I was convinced that my dad was not related to me and that his parents were my "real" grandparents. Now, maybe that is just a kid who doesn't know the facts of life or maybe I sensed something even back then. I never doubted that I was loved, however. My dad is a warm, emotional and loving man and he adores me, always has as far as I can tell. It is the most complete love I have ever experienced in my life.
In general I would say that you can't control when you child knows this or figures it out. I think that it tends to warp relationships when parents keep something this big from a child. Your ultimate goal is probably your son's self-sufficiency and competence in life. IMO, you can't be fully adult and fully emancipated from your parents when they know something important about you that you don't know about yourself. It makes for an imbalance of power. Someone will spill the beans or genetic testing will come up or he will get his wedding pictures back and realize he doesn't look like his dad and brothers and sisters. All you can control is how and when he learns it. The truth should come from you and his dad--not birth father--the people he loves most in life. He deserves the respect to know the most basic and fundamental truths about his own life. As my brave and wise shrink said "There is nothing wrong with sweeping trouble under the carpet....unless you want to know why everyone in your family keeps falling down." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
MJ
<small>[ September 27, 2002, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>
