My H was staying with a friend of his and now he's moving back with me. My H's friend (who we'll call Joe) needed someone to go in with him on the new lease. My H had told me about this & declined the offer telling Joe that he wasn't because we had a baby on the way. (This is how I found out about the A in the 1st place because my H was supposed to have been back home that same weekend, I got po'd drove over & discovered the OW and of course all he** broke loose). Anyway - I figure maybe this is why my H wanted to make sure I didn't plan on throwing him back out if he came back home.

At any rate, my H and I were talking last night about my dr appt when he discovered his tv had been stolen & Joe's stuff was gone. My H had gone to the store & was on his way back to pack up his stuff when he discovered Joe had skipped out. Needless to say, my H is po'd. So, last night he starts to bring the remainder of his things back.

Now - fast forward to me. Reality has hit home very hard here. Why do I on the one hand am happy that he could have chosen to get an apt (he can't live with the OW because she lives with her mom) or crashed with another friend and on the other hand I feel like I get him by default. How is that for a conflict of feelings? I haven't even talked to my H about this yet because neither of us have been able to. He also works a part-time night job in addition to his full time job. And I have been out running errands all evening and as I type this I've been home for about an hour. I feel like I'm at a do or die point here. I'm happy to have him and maybe a chance to salvage something, but I still feel this tremendous loss as if I weren't actually chosen. Does this make sense to anyone? Anyway - if I stay up any later I'm going to eat everything in sight. I'm off to bed & to pray for clarity. I've been praying for strength & guidance, but now I think clarity would also be a good thing to ask for.

Vee

Vee,

I agree....I will pray for clarity for you . It is kinda hard to see if he was sincere with his decision to move back in with you. I pray that he is, but if he isnt I pray God give you the wisdom to see it and the comfort with the decisions that would come with that knowledge. How far along are you? I pray for peace with you and your baby no matter what happens.

Love
bw

Hi Vee

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H's friend (who we'll call Joe) needed someone to go in with him on the new lease. My H had told me about this & declined the offer telling Joe that he wasn't because we had a baby on the way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't that statement speaks for itself or am I missing something.

MALC -
I think my H only said that because it was what I wanted to hear. Yes - his friend had 'skipped' on the landlord, but here's the thing - my H is only 'half-way' back home. He doesn't sleep there. Our conversations when we are together are terribly akward. Nothing is quite what it seems with him. I know he can't be staying with the OW because she lives with her mother. So my guess is that he's hanging out with other friends & still crashing at Joe's place until he can decide when to move his clothing.

I talked with my IC about this on yesterday & I'm still clueless as to his behavior. Somehow I think that by him actually physically moving back in, he'll be forced to deal with 'us'. I don't think he's ready for that yet. But the main issue here now is that I can't live like this anymore. He says one thing, but his actions are different. For me - talk is cheap. Put up or shut up. Because my trust in him is so broken at this point, he can only prove himself to me by actions alone. That's why my post is one about winning by default. Besides can you believe what your S says in the fog?

Hi Vee

I'm glad you reminded me that my H is in the fog.
I know one thing, whatever you do please no LBing
I found myself doing that not being argumentative but being judgmental.

I really don't do to much posting, I read more than anything, I have to agree with you about being in the fog.

You know I'm glad you snap me back to reality. I was begining to believe what H was telling me instead of believing half.

For instance he told me he was going away this weekend. I said ok, now last week H disapeared for oneday, I was furious, I told H. I wanted a divorce. Xow and her H and the oc was in a car accident. H had to go to the town where she stays rent a hotel to keep the oc until xow and her H got out of the hospital.

I clearly stated you go somewhere especially being gone all day, and you know I'm going to call, leave a message for me at least I know you are trying to consider my feelings.

So this week he tells me he's going away I got angry but he never knew, immediately I went up in my head thinking something isn't right because that's what I'm use to thinking about him.

So the question here is, when do we start trusting our spouse again? Are we suppose to be supicious and question every move or thought?

I gotten so use to the distrust, whatever he says I only believe half and not everything.

MALC -
That's a good question! Friday I ran into my H running errands. At the time I was in a bad mood and had spent most of the day figuring out how I was supposed to tell my H that it was time for him to make a step towards commitment. It was odd because my H was clearly happy to run into me, while I was a bit like "oh great, in the middle of my brainstorming I'm confronted with the problem." I told my H that I didn't feel like he was really committed to me. His face sort of went to pieces and he said "I guess it doesn't do me any good to express how I feel to you." I told him "Well, if you were me, wouldn't an action speak louder?".

I don't know when we can start to trust them again. Last year, I thought that I could, but deep down, he hadn't earned it back. If I could totally trust him, I wouldn't have been snooping through his e-mails & learned of his EA. I really think that restoring trust is the job of the WS. I mean we can ask for them to do everything under the sun, but THEY have to be sincere in it. I know we have to verbalize to them we'd like to trust them, but they have to take the steps necessary to make it happen.

Also - thanks for reminding me no LBing! I'm a little grouchy today, so I guess it's not a good time to engage in conversations! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Vee I'm feeling you on this one really

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I really think that restoring trust is the job of the WS. I mean we can ask for them to do everything under the sun, but THEY have to be sincere in it. I know we have to verbalize to them we'd like to trust them, but they have to take the steps necessary to make it happen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You gave me another thought, telling H. I would like to trust him, but he has to take the necessary steps to make it happened.

Right now I don't trust H, we both live in two different states probaly 900 mile from each other. H lives in the South me in the North so that's make it hard.

I believe he thinks, he has an advantage but really he isn't depositing anything in my Love bank.

Let me ask you something, I read somewhere here that Dr Harley suggest absolutly no Plan B if you and spouse have no children.

When my H first contacted me, I thought we were off to a brand new start. I was only a bandaide H new how I felt so he was using me to lick his wounds.

Now he feels he has recoverd, now he's back to his self again but this time there is a difference he's not cold towards me.