I have been doing some thinking & came to realize I have a lot of leftover guilt about my own A & the fact that I asked my H to leave in anger back in December. I keep playing the what-if's over & over again in my mind. Well during my IC session yesterday, I was reminded by my C that sometimes we link things (i.e. If I had done this instead of this, none of this would have happened...) that aren't always necessarily true.

So I started thinking this morning, you know even if my H had stayed he would not have been able to deal with my anger from his EA. Also, during separation, I didn't decide to have an A, so then couldn't my H if he was so devoted to his marriage do the same? Could he not have said - Vee, I'm not leaving. I'm going to go sleep on Joe's sofa tonight, but tomorrow, I'm coming back home to prove to you I want my marriage? I think that those are all logical outcomes to something I have been beating myself up on for months now.

Last night - I asked God to forgive me for my own A, my anger, and to lift the burden of guilt I have carried for so long. Is that it? Is that all that I am to do? I find it's easier to ask God for things we have no control over - say leaving your S in his hands because ultimately nothing you can do can help if they are not willing to let you. But, with your ownself, once you ask God to lift those burdens, what then? Do you continue to work on yourself to help you feel better about who you are or do you totally let it go?

So how do you really forgive yourself? What's the key in doing that? Any ideas out there?

I think in forgiving yourself, you did what I would do, as far as asking God to forgive you and all...I guess it's now trying to believe it yourself that you are forgiven and ask God to make it real to you. It's always hardest to forgive yourself of things...I have done some things in the past that I have a hard time forgiving myself for...but I had to come to terms with what I did, embrace the responsibility that I did it and gradually acceptance sunk in.

I realized that although I did some stupid things, I am not that person anymore. I am the "me" now, and I have consciously chosen to move on...take that first step now. Even if it's a physcial thing to show yourself...stand in a room, say out loud, "with this step, I step forward in my life and refuse to be weighed down by guilt and unforgiveness of myself."...it worked for me...every now and then a thought or feeling would stab my heart from my stupid past, but I tell myself, I'm different now, and I've moved on.

Forgiving yourself is always the hardest thing to do...admit that to God and ask His help to carry you through...He will do it...
Hugs and prayers to you,
Twiisty

Vee,

I think you asked a great question and one I struggle with all the time. Low self-esteem has been an ongoing struggle all my life. But I'm lots better now. *he he* So beating myself up over past mistakes, errors and sins is something I am working to overcome.

My view is that if God has forgiven me my errors that when I reclaim the guilt and the shame for something in my past I am telling God "I know more than You do. I know that I am bad and not forgiveable."

When that struggles ensues, I pass it back to God. Sometimes it looks like a tennis match. I am so busy passing things to him and then grabbing them back to try to fix on my own and then giving them back to him to fix. When I die I am going to say "Hey Father, how come you never fixed my broken life." and he is going to say "How could I? You never let go of it."

Cognitive therapy works really well also. There are some great books out there on the market and are a form of therapy that you can do on your own. (I think that they are a great supplement to traditional therapy.)

Know, if I could just get Mr. J busy on this self-forgiveness thing.

MJ

Every single person on God's green earth makes mistakes. That's what my A was. A great big fat MISTAKE. It's what we do with those mistakes that makes the difference. If you learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them then you have become a better person. If you keep repeating the same mistake over and over then you need a 4x4 upside the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seriously, I do believe that self forgiveness is the hardest of all. It's so much easier to forgive someone else. I think for me it's because I hold myself to a higher standard than I do anyone else. It's very difficult to admit that you're just human after all.