OC born last week. H went to hospital but was so nervous he doesn't even remember what the baby looked like. OW is asking him when he is going to come and see his son. I do not want him going to OW's house. Been married 25 years, this is what I got for my 25th anniversay. Nice huh? Have four beautiful daughters with this man. Does anyone have any suggestions on how he can see his baby without being alone with the OW? I certainly cannot go with, or wait in the car. I guess it is just inevitable that this is another thing I am going to have to accept. Everything I have read says there should be "no contact" much less the two of them alone with their new baby. How sweet. Why would anywoman want to put up with this b.s. anyway????? Not sure I want to go through with this. Can anyone offer any help?
Why do all of you suffer so much? I have been reading for months and can't imagine why anyone would want to go through such misery intheir lives.

Hello,
No your H should not be alone with OC and OW. I would suggest a third party there that you trust if you don't want to be there. And make sure your H gets a paterinty test done.

Dawn

You and your husband have to both decide together on how to deal with oc and ow. It needs to be a mutual agreement for it to work.

None of this is easy but unfortunately a decision will have to be made. Did your husband have DNA test done, suprisingly a number of people found out, the baby was not their husbands.
I have an oc, so I am on the oppisite end, But her daddy has visits and we do communicate and we are alone more times than not, and i can say it is a bad idea, and makes things more complicated and a BAD idea, why cant you go ? If your husband is going to be involved, you can go along , if you have no plans to ever lay eyes on the child, eventually when your husband learns to love the baby and you still dont want any thing to do with the baby, it will cause problems, Thats why they preach [policy of joint agreement here]

as far as who would want to deal with the bs, OM does not want to deal with my husband, but does and I do not want to deal with his wife, but I do, I guess it just depends on what they think is best for the baby, I think if om is going to play daddy, he needs to be one, and welcome her into his life and home which he has done, However none of this is with out problems, and there are times, I want to run away and not come back, and other times, things go pretty smooth.
Many of the wives here do not have contact with the child and have moved on for the most part, I am sorry your here, But I can say I believe prayer helps us all through this. and the answers do come. My mother always says, God never gives you more than you can handle, I used to doubt that, But turns out she is right.

No, you don't have to have contact with OW to have contact with OC. But in my opinion, if you don't want contact with OC, your H shouldn't do it. It should be mutually agreed upon or not by both of you. I was thinking the other day that having an OC out of marriage with an OW is not unlike having a stepchild in a divorced family. The kids of the original family, resent the child of the new relationship because it changes everything, and I think it harms them in many ways. I don't believe having contact with OC helps all,and I am not even convinced it helps the OC. HOw does the OC feel when he/she is not invited to MM"s home, be a part of his normal life, while his original kids enjoy such a life? Fair, no it is not.But the OW didn't make a life for her child that was fair.
Don't let your H dictate what to do, if you want a marriage, fight for it, but don't think you must accept this arrangement. You don't have to.

I've been married for 22 years and the OC just turned three. There has never been nor will there ever be any contact with the OC/OW camp.

It's strange, but OC involvement seems to work best for men whose wives have given birth to an OC, probably because more often than not, there is never ever any further contact with OM and they are able to establish their own family without outside interference.

Many here probably think I am hard-hearted Hannah because of my strong opposition to any contact whatsoever with OC, but we have seen far too many times here the horrible failed results of attempted visitation.

My husband and I atteneded Retrouvaille right after D-day and I asked the officiating priest what our responsibility was to the OC and he replied that the only obligaiton we had was to each other...that the marriage comes first and foremost before anyone or any children, even those of our own marriage. He explained that marriage is the base, the foundation from which everything else in the family unit depends...that if the marriage base is shaky, everyone suffers.

He went on to explain the only responsibility we had to OC was financial and that God would look after OC and it wasn't fair to put our children or our family and the OC through such confusion, that we should look at the OC as we gave it up for adoption to the OW and leave it at that.

My husband was relieved to hear that from a priest because until then he had a lot of misplaced guilt that caused a lot of ambivalent feelings. Once he understood that his involvement with OC would only hurt her in the long run, he was able to release himself from that struggle within.

My husband knew my position and he knew I was adamant about it and if he wished to stay with me, he would have to make a choice. Once he reconfirmed that his place was with me and our family, the choice was easy to make. In our particular case, the OC lives nearly 2000 miles away and we cannot afford travel anyway and we are hoping that the OW marries and finds someone who will love, accept and officially adopt OC for the good of all, especially OC. In the meantime, the OW made her choice to screw my husband, not caring about what it did to me or to our lives and our marriage, deliberately got knocked up, had the kid and kept it. As far as I am concerned those choices carry consequences. She knew he was married and intentionally went ahead with everything anyway. Therefore, since she wanted a kid so bad at any cost, my husband was simply a sperm donor.

Your husband's ONLY obligation is to you. He owes nothing to the OC except financial assistance. Down the road when your marriage has healed sufficiently and you are able to consider incorporating OC into your lives, then perhaps you might take some steps to do so if you are both emotionally secure to do so, but in the meantime, while you are in the healing process, focus on your marriage and only on each other...everyone else can wait. Until you two are right with each other, nothing else will make sense.

I just don't understand why this is such a huge dilemma for everyone when it is really so simple...focus on the marriage and have no contact at all until years down the road when and if you are emotionally stable enough to do so. I believe invovlement in OC's life is too often a selfish gesture on the part of the WS in attempt to relieve their own guilt when the most unselfish thing for everyone concerned is to leave it all alone.

Let the OW figure it out for herself. She's the one who has called all the shots and made all the decisions without any input from the WS and his W while at the same time holding them financially hostage. The OC deserves a full time dad and the OW needs to get on with her life and that can't happen with everyone sicking their nose into everyone else's business.

Catnip =^^=

I agree with Catnip. She states it very clear, truthful, and concise(sp?).

My H and I are into six years recovery, with no contact of any kind. CS is paid through the court.

I now believe we are still married, partly, because of no contact.

ember

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

Thanks everyone for trying to help me in my delima. I too want him to have no contact. Already I know she is trying to manipulate him by saying your baby needs to hear your voice (he's one week old). He looks just like you, etc. He only told me this becuase I asked. BUt it makes me SO SICK to even have him talking to her. Of course he says he cant be "inhumane". I don't have a 3rd party that could go with and frankly I never want to lay eyes on the OW in my life if I can help it. I hate her for what she has done to my beautiful family. She very well knew that he was a MM with four children. Of course it takes two to tango but I know, it's the woman's choice when it comes down to it. Anyway, thanks again for trying to help me. I know no one really can. I can only help myself here but I'm so confused about whether I should even try to put up with this or not, or if I should just call this quits now, at least I won't have to suffer like this anymore. I know I will suffer in other ways, my children will definitely suffer because of a broken family. Isn't it better for you to suffer an let your children be happy. Already the oldest one knows because of a fight the other night. I know she is suffering terribly, all alone. She hasn't talked about it since then. Should i bring it up?

It is so hard to know what to discuss with the other children. We struggled with that issue, we made the choice to tell the truth and we did, it was hard and confusing, but the kids have all come through and love their sister so much.

They also interact with om at times and do well with that also. Children have a huge capacity for love and do much better witht hings than adults do.
Good luck