My H isn't really planning on moving back home. He's housing his belongings here, but he won't make the effort to really move back in. Last night I felt crappy - actually I had been all day. My H came over to check on me and it turned into one of those "my heart is all out in the open speeches" from me. I wanted to hear - "I love you and I want us to work", but instead it's "I need some time". Time to do what? Heal? Play the field? Just what do we need "time" for? Ah - time - time to see how *I* am supposed to react to other woman's child. Ya'll that is 5 months down the road. So for five months I'm supposed to sit here & pine away for my H? No Siree Bob. I'm not doing it.

My H won't even tell me what he needs or give me the opportunity to work on this marriage with his help. So here I sit with puffy swollen eyes from crying all night, to say I've reached that fork in the road where we have traveled as far as we can and I must take a different path. I can't continue on like this. This is the point where some of us would choose to do a terrific Plan A - I love you, I'll do whatever it takes. But for me, my heart can take no more. I want my heart back now. I want to reclaim it as my own & protect it to whatever degree I have to. I want to call the OW up and say "Congratulations, Homewrecker. You & your snotty nose soon to be child have won." Love has lost this war. Last night I watched my H, a man I love more than life itself, actually walk out on me. Walk out on 8 years of love for guilt and unsurity. Guilt because of his actions & unsure that if he comes home, I won't throw him back out. He's solely convinced himself that if I were not pregnant, I wouldn't want him. And I can't break that thought. Nothing I say can change that for him. I wonder most what reason did God have for creating her life in the midst of all of this. Is it to give me solace that after 8 years of loving someone so much, that now I'll always have a piece of him to remember? At first I thought that maybe she was something to cling to for hope. But now, while I'm battered, I can't see where that hope is. No I'm almost sure that she is a reminder that through all of the trials, I still loved her father more than life and now without him, I'll love her the same way.

I guess today is my official Plan B day. I don't think my H will understand why I can't see him. He'll think - oh - this just proves me right, you can't handle the situation and I knew you wouldn't want me. But that's not the case, if he showed up on my doorstep with his clothes 5 years from now saying he wants to come home, I'd take him back in an instant. I tried to explain to my mom last night why I wanted my H so much. The best words I could find were that he is such a big part of me. Not that I need a man to complete me, but when I married him, I found my soulmate. I was never more comfortable with anyone but him. It agonizes me to think that now I may have to go back out & find someone who I know I'll never love as much as I love him. That is why this is so hard for me, why I couldn't just jump into Plan B. I guess I had to have the wind completely knocked out of my sails before I could muster up enough courage to say - I love you, but I can't see you or talk to you until you decide you really want this marriage to work.

So here - I throw in the towel. The Ref has called the fight after seeing my heart is battered & my eyes are swollen. KO goes to guilt, unresolved issues, unmet needs, and a history that I don't think will ever be overcome. Here is where I retreat in my corner and go back to camp to let all the bruises heal. I decided that after a really crappy 2002, I would start Jan 1 2003 off as my own year. All I can hope is that 2003 will be more kind to me and that during that year I can conquer some of my greatest faults - primarily my anger & temper. I still can't believe this though. I never thought that after trying to make everything right that he'd simply choose to walk out without fighting for us. Maybe he walked out long before I did & I never knew it. Maybe he knew all along if we ever separated that the end result would be that we wouldn't make it. I never ever thought that we couldn't but maybe I was wrong.

Sorry this got long. I just needed to get it all out.

Vee

Vee,

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm here if you want to talk though. I don't have much advice to offer; I'll leave that to the older (lol, catnip) more wiser MBer's around here. I'm sorry you're in such pain.

With love,

Vee-
I am hurting for you. At least you are able to speak to your mom about this. I know that moms don't always understand, but they do usually make us feel loved. Hugs to you.

I realize that you are not making a rash decision, but I have one suggestion. Write out a letter to your husband of your decision, then at the top, give him like three or four points in bullet form.
- I love you and always will.
- I cannot see you until you decide to commit fully to our marriage.
- If you fully commit, we will decide as a couple how to deal with oc sit.
- Etc, whatever you feel necessary. Then write to your hearts content telling him why and how. I think men just read better if you give them points and then expand on them. Assure him over and again that he does have a reason to come home, but that you are protecting yourself. I would definitely include what you said about if he came along in five years and WILLING that you'd still love him and take him.

I've done that. Well, for us it was two years of no contact after huge pain. The love was always there, but it was hard to be vulnerable again. I kept thinking Does he really mean it this time???

If you carry out the decision, it will be very tough and yet very relieving for you. Work on you during this time. My prayers are with you. And hopefully, your husband will wake up soon.

Vee,

I am so sorry to hear this. Do take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal. One never knows what the future holds, but I suspect yours will be brighter than you think.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Vee

I'm feeling you definitly. Do you post on BB?
here is something, I think will help you with your Plan B

It's a success story a good one , but she had to do some work. A little of this, and a little of that. Whatever worked for her. carolkh thread

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

Dumplin & JL - thank you for your kind words! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aimee - I've got SEVERAL Plan B drafts going on! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm deathly afraid of handing them to my H since I'm only weeks away from having our 1st child. I tell you - what a way to spend your pregnancy! I know that if I hand it to him, he won't see any of the I love you & want our marriage stuff, he'll just think I'm punishing him for not coming home. But - then you can't control what the WS thinks when you go to Plan B.

MALC -
Thanks for the link. That was VERY encouraging! I've been thinking of implementing a modified Plan B that is similar to that. Again, my H's warped thinking is that I would be 'shutting him out' and he can't understand why I would do such a thing. I'm just having a hard time trying to figure out what will work best here. I was talking to my friend last night & explained to her what I meant when I told my mom that my H was such a big part of me. I don't know if anyone around here watches Sex in the City, but there is this one episode where the ladies contemplate that you only get 'one great love'. That's exactly how I feel about my H.

My friend is going through a divorce but she's quick to point out that she married her H in infatuation, whereas, she knows that my H & I married out of love. She also adds that is why she can't offer any real advice because our situations are so terribly different. My H did just 'pop' by last night and missed my crying episode by 5 minutes LOL. We didn't talk any about Monday's conversation, but I got a little po'd at him about his car loan. (I also add - that I was po'd but did no LBing!!!) I could kick myself for helping him intially on his car because now the lender keeps trying to contact me! I told him he needed to call them, but he won't do it! He wants me to call! HA HA HA! At any rate, I promptly followed my attorney's advice to notify the lender that he & I are separated & they should contact my H in matters regarding the car. I also put my attorney's name & phone number on my email to them asking that they contact him. My H will have a fit, but then, his car is not my responsibility. There's a post somewhere on the forum about 'natural consequences' and I just keep repeating to myself that this is HIS consequence of his behavior.

It won't be pretty, but I feel a whole lot better by taking care of it now! Anyway - this just got away from my whole post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My friend's advice was to just chill out for a while & keep praying for wisdom. I guess I'll search around the site for some modified Plan B stories to see where I might fit in.

Vee

Yes, he's doing it to himself. He's making negative choices that lead to negative consequences... If he wants the marriage, he needs to give his 100% to you, then, you can give your 100%, it's mutual... If this is what he chooses, to live without you, then he must also accept living without your support.

I'm sorry you are enduring these circumstances during your pregnancy, but you can make it. Another MBer walked the same path you are on while she was pregnant, and she recently posted an encouraging update. Search for broken_wings or you may remember reading her post. Keep the faith! You'll get through this rough time! <<<HUGS>>>

Hi Vee

Your situation will get better, Try no contact first, not being available when he calls. Wait a day or two and return his call.

I did this and it worked, I went 1wk without contact from H. He called me thursday I didn't answer his call. I waited until the nexy day to call he wasn't home.

I finally reached him today, the first thing he said was it took you this long to call! He asked was something wrong with my phone,

I explain to H he not depositing nothing in my love bank, out of the blue he asked me about a male friend of mine. I believe he feels there is more to our realtionship then a friendship.

Try no contact I still have a way to go before I get the hang of this.

Hi Vee

Your situation will get better, Try no contact first, not being available when he calls. Wait a day or two and return his call.

I did this and it worked, I went 1wk without contact from H. He called me thursday I didn't answer his call. I waited until the nexy day to call he wasn't home.

I finally reached him today, the first thing he said was it took you this long to call! He asked was something wrong with my phone,

I explain to H he not depositing nothing in my love bank, out of the blue he asked me about a male friend of mine. I believe he feels there is more to our realtionship then a friendship.

Try no contact I still have a way to go before I get the hang of this.

MALC -
I've been a little busy, but my H finally moved all of his things back here. I'm having a bit of a hard time dealing with all of this because he's such a conflict avoider. He doesn't seem to quite understand that what he says & what he does are total opposites of each other. Right now, I'm sitting here pretty angry & trying to calm down before I talk to him. I just vented to my mom a while ago about how his behavior irks me to no end. Oh - well I guess I'm going to go take a shower & go to bed. I've had a LONG day!