'm at a loss for words. My husband of 22 years had an affair 2 years ago that produced a child. I just found out last week. I found a receipt for a pumpkin halloween outfit. My children are 21 and 18 so I knew it wasn't for them. I confronted him and he at first said all the lies you would expect. He finally said "I have a baby girl, she is 1 1/2 yrs old" thats when my world came crashing down. I'm at a loss we seemed to have a happy marriage. I was happy with everything. He said it happen April of 2000 and he was only with her for a month.(who really knows what is the truth)He just stop calling her because he knew it was wrong. She got PREGNANT!! The classic "the condom broke" whatever!!! I'm so sad. The life I was living isn't real. I can't even do day to day tasks. I don't know what to do or how to go about it. I can't eat or sleep. I just don't care about anything any more. How do I survive this! Do i tell everyone? Do I kick him out? He said he loves me and will do anything i want but who trust what he says. Every time he leave the house I'll always wonder if he is see "his daughter". I keep asking why i know that question can never be answer to my satisfaction. I have no one to talk to about this I don't want any one to know. so I have to cry in the car before work, after work and early in the morning so no one can hear or see me. Why do i care? I just want to scream!!! I cry all the time. I'm so sad. i thought we were going to grow old together. How sad for me. i probably don't make any sense but I need help.

Hello,
Sorry to say welcome! If have you come to the right place. My H also had an A and might have produce an OC. You are definetly not alone! There are lots of people in your position.

First off you should read the priciples on this site. Does your H see OC? You should stand together and decide if contact is an option. A lot of people have no contact. Whatever, you decide you both must agree on it.

Your marriage comes first and you need time heel.

Hope I made some sense!

It has been slow here. So, it may take some time for people to respond!

Dawn

I'm sorry you have to be here, but you have come to the right place. I just found out a month ago, that the OW is pregnant. She's not due for another 5 months, but it has still been very hard. Also, my H is doing a good job at fence sitting (I wonder when his behind will hurt from sitting on barbed wire <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), so it makes it doubly hard.

Since this is such a hard thing to deal with, I'd suggest that you see a counselor. The articles on this site are also a great help. I'm sure a lot of the other wiser MBs will be along with advice.
Hang in there (hugs)

Vee

Dear LJ,

I too hate to have to say welcome, but I am glad that you found this site so early into your affair recovery. I didn't find it for about 4 months.

I too found out in a way similar to yours. We were in the process of adopting three children from Russia, two of whom had spent the summer with us on a summer visitation program to promote the adoption of older children. It was just a couple of weeks after they went back to Russia and were waiting for us to come get them. On his computer I opened up the program that displays our digital photos to look at pictures of the boys we had taken over the summer. Instead it opened up to a hidden directory of photos of Mr. J with OW and their baby. He traveled so much on business that I never knew this was going on. When the affair first began we all lived in the same place. Then we moved 3,000 miles away then she moved somewhere in between and they continued to meet on his business trips.

I know how you feel. I have been there. Most of us on this part of the board have been right where you are. You said "sad" but I don't know if that covers it. I think shattered says it better.

I would let your family doctor know what is going on. Maybe he or she would prescribe an antidepressant or an antianxiolytic (anxiety) medication.I would also look for some counseling. You are going through one of the toughest things anyone can go through. At least when your spouse dies they didn't do it to you on purpose.

Recovery is possible; it is a long road and takes a lot of work on both partners side. I think that you have an advantage in that the affair is over and has been for a long time. I think it is also easier to recover from a short-term affair than a long-term. My husband's was 7 years and their lives were very, very entangled. He felt enormously guilty towards her and she was very clingy, dependent, hysterical, furious and had been hospitalized for 3 months of the pregnancy and the child nearly died. Even though the physical part of their affair was over it took about another 9 months after D-day to get them separated emotionally.

Welcome to the board, read everything here you can find. I would also suggest that you set a timeline in your mind. Try not to make any decisions about your marriage right now--you are too upset. Give yourself 6 months or a year and see how you feel then.

MJ

Thank you everyone for listening to my tale. Every day it gets harder and harder. I am looking into counseling because there is no way I can do this on my own. I just want the pain to go away. It hurts so bad. i'm so..... angry. I haven't eaten any of substance in over a week, I try but it makes me want to throw up. I told him I did want him to see the oc and he said it would be hard but he do whatever it takes. (It would be hard for him! GOOD) I never had so much hate in me I don't care about this oc. I know she is innocent to but I don't care. I called the ow and she said she is not in love with my husband and they were never in love it was just for sex. (That makes me feel better) She was talking to me like I should care about the will being of their child and i was suppose to be understanding. I told her to F__ off not my best moment. I found out she didn't know at first my husband was married but when she did it didn't stop her. Thanks for listening.

LJ: By all means see a counselor, they can do a world of good, don't expect him or her to give you the answers. They will make you work on your own opinion/answer. When I was finaly talked into going to see a counselor I was nearly suicidal, after a couple of sessions I was even mad at the counselor for making me see what it was that I wanted. In time it all came out in the wash, my last visit with my counselor was a couple of months ago and she told me that I had things back together mentaly, I'm making another appointment for next week because I need someone to talk to again and she is a great listener. My wife has blown off our counseling and I need her guidance as to what to do. sorry to dump on you, I'm just trying to make sure you understand that the counseling can really help alot.
DJ

I'm sad to say "welcome" this board, but this board has it's moments of grief, happiness and all the emotions in-between...

This board has been slow for the past few days and I hope some of the Oldies come in also to lend their "hellos" to you too.

My OC resulted in a "three night stand" she was born two weeks before Mr."T"'s (my H) and my first child. That kills me still at times, but I learned to pray about it and move on...(I'm almost two years into recovery and we are happily expecting a surprise fifth child!)

From what I read from your post, you experienced the very feelings that I experienced...at first there seems to be no hope, but you have options.

First and foremost, counseling. That's a good start, independant as well as joint.

Secondly, make no decisions regarding OC until you are sufficiently calmed down and can make decisions that will be best for you and your H and your marriage. I would advise no contact until you feel you know for sure what you and your H stand with each other and you feel you can handle it or not. There is no crime in no contact, as there is no crime in having contact, but the marriage comes first.

Third,Read, read, read...Dr. Harley's book on "surviving an affair" is excellent, there isn't much written about OC's because it's a real touchy subject...but read all you can about recovery and things for yourself.

Fourth, as hard it wil be, do something for yourself...I found that to be my salvation at times...I got my brows waxed, hair done, soaked in bubbles...whatever I wanted for myself. It was hard for me, as my son was two weeks old when the ex-ow called me to inform me of "their" child. We have since given up rights to the child by signing sole care and custody over to her. We are praying that now that ex-ow is married, her husband will want to adopt the child. We still pay child support and will continue to do so until the child is grown or adopted.

It's a rough road, but it can be done and there are enough success stories on here to make it worth the shot to try. It isn't going to be easy. But we are here for you and we'll hold your hand. We have many people here of different experiences from short term affairs to long term affairs, to women having the OC and ther married men are raising the child as their own to Contact and visitation and successful no contact.

THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG SITUATION WHEN IT COMES TO CONTACT OR NO CONTACT...

One bit of advice I have learned from my own experience is that no one can bully you into contact...my H's family tried and they hurt me, and questioned my Christianity. I know what I can handle and I know my limitations. I also listened to what Mr."T" wanted to do and made my decision from there.

MJ made an excellent point. Don't make any hasty decisions...I gave my H 18 months. By then I figured my son would be older and I could work and divorce Mr."T" if need be. I didn't need to, the man was prostrate with remorse and showed me he was truly regretful.

Again, it isn't gonna happen overnight...process the pain, grieve and if you feel you need an anti-depressant, there's no harm in that to help you over the edge...I'm on zoloft.

Keep in touch and keep us posted...we care about you and are here for you.
Hugs,
Twiisty

Yes, we care. Yes, you make a lot of sense. And, even tho, not your "best moment" I bet it felt good to let the xOW know how you felt. It didn't mean you have no feelings about the other child, but that you hate the role she played in your H's affair. You are normal. Perhaps your doctor can prescribe anti-depressants so that you can feel better and get your appetite back--just until you can get through the rough patch? How does your H feel about your marriage? Is he willing to give up the xOW? Would YOU be willing to be the "go-between" for his visits? That is what Dr.Harley would recommend--that you be the middle man and never allow the xOW around your H again due to the possibility of them continuing the affair. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Consider yourself hugged! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I made an appointment for counseling and told husband he first said theres no hope i don't deserve you and there has been to much damage done. I told him he is giving me mixed signals and to be just honest about everything. We talked for a long time and he said the reason he don't want to try counseling was because he is embarrassed and ashamed of what he did. The ow was a short term thing 1 month and there is no emotional bond there except it produced a child. He has had a relationship with the oc for about as long as the baby was born. (KILLS ME) You see we have 2 sons and i have always wanted a daughter and he know that and just knowing he has a daughter but not with me is sometimes unbearable. I keep thinking i can deal with this and then those ugly monsters arrive and i can't get them to leave. You see he has had almost 2 years to get over the shock of this situation he said thats why he hasn't been sleeping and he's not much of a man. blah blah blah. I woke up last night (this morning) and my stomach was doing flip flops had to go down stairs and cryed for about an hour he came looking for me and told me to go to bed and he hugged me telling me how sorry he is and i do believe he is sorry but sorry just doesn't cut it. For something that was so meaningless to both of them except to get their rocks off (sorry angry moment)I feel like this is all a dream. i wish this was a dream. Does it get better because if not i can see myself not wanting to live any more at least the pain will stop. i now i'm in a hopeless state and i will need medication. i think what bothers me the most is that how in one moment everything changed my whole world has crashed down. I haven't told a soul about this and i really can't. i have such good friends but we are couples doing couple things. this would be great conversation how everyone would feel bad for me blah blah Do i tell the boys? why hurt them? do i tell the family? oh my god this is over whelming? thanks for listening it helps.

Hello,

Yes, it does get better with time and both of you competed to the marriage. We are in similiar situation my H's A only lasted a week and there was no attachment except it might have produce an OC.

Please if you need medication to help you then do it!

So, your H does see OC then? I think that you need to talk to him about this and make an agreement about seeing OC.

Your H needs to put the marriage first before OC.

Dawn

Dear LJ,

I hear your despair, depression and desperation. I was where you are. I got through it and we have a fixed-up (but not completely fixed) marriage and life. In your marriage or out of it you can learn to be OK. The pain will lessen with time. So will the shame, the rage and all the other horribly painful, terrifying emotions. I was most scared by the rage. I thought I might be capable of murder and that shook me to my core.

When you call your insurance company requesting mental health benefits, I would explain the situation and explain that this is a near-emergency. Sometimes that can help get you in faster to see someone. Sometimes your family doctor or gynecologist can/will prescribe the anti-depressants while you are waiting to get in to see the counselor.

On D-day we were tyring to bring our sons home. I felt that if I left my H I was going to strand my kids in a Russian orphanage for the rest of their lives. I felt an enormous pressure to stay so we could bring the kids home. Also, three weeks after D-day Mr. J had massive surgery to remove a facial tumor. They took off 1/3 of his face (and put it back quite nicely.) A friend summed it up nicely--I am ready to kill you but don't you dare die on me. There was a 40% chance of it being cancer and that would also have meant we lost the kids. I might have been able to tolerate that if we hadn't just had them in our house all summer. If I hadn't held them, bathed them, fed them and put them to bed. If I hadn't been told they were going to be our kids and it was safe to fall in love with them and let them fall in love with us. Oh yeah, H lost his job about 4 weeks before D-day. Life was not going well to say the least. That might explain why my original name here was Mrs. Job.

All this is a long-winded way of explaining why I wound up checking myself into a psychiatric hospital for a week of inpatient and then five weeks of outpatient therapy. It was the best choice I have ever made for myself. (I had the means for three types of suicide and the day I went to the hospital I spent 1/2 hour locked in the bathroom with an open bottle of poison. It was time to get help.)

There was far more kindness and compassion in the hospital than there was in my marriage at the time. Mr. J kept talking, in a very ugly way, about my having to be put "in a locked ward." After they 3rd or 4th time of saying that I told him "If you say that one more time, you are going to get that divorce you claim you don't want." I am saying do what you need to to take care of yourself and tell the rest of the world to take a flying leap--including your husband if necessary.

I would strongly advise you to tell someone about the affair and the OC. What you seem to be saying right now is that you would feel ashamed having anyone know what your H has done. Please, think this through carefully. The shame is his--not yours. While I understand that you don't want the whole town gossiping about you and your marriage, I know that I found great strength in friends and family. Do you have a trusted sister or female cousin? Is there anyone you could tell? How about a pastor or spiritual leader? Have you ever seen a counselor before? He or she might clear a spot in their schedule to fit you in if you already have an established relationship.

Some women don't tell because they don't want to damamge their H's reputation. I would say that is a nice concern, but misplaced at this point. You are the one in crises and you need whatever support you feel necessary to get through this. I don't know how my family can stand to be around my husband after what he has done but it really doesn't seem to have damamged the relationship too much, or even at all. If it had, oh well, tough beans to Mr. J. His behavior, his fault, his consequences. Separate what is and isn't about you. (Here's a hint--most of this is about your H and his inability to handle life's problems. Yup, your marriage may have had some issues that needed or still need correcting, but at the end of the day, it is the WS who made the stupid-a** decision while you maintained your integrity.)

Pick a few key phrases that you will repeat to yourself when needed. Whenever an ugly thought pops into your head, repeat your phrase. One of mine was "this says a lot more about him than it does about me." I used it whenever I felt ashamed. When I felt unloved, I said "I am a beloved child of God." I also listed all the people in my life that I were sure loved me. H was not on the list at that point. When I thought that he hade done this deliberately to hurt and possibly destroy me I said "He probably thought he would never get caught." I can excuse stupid far more easily than I can excuse deliberately cruel.

Don't worry right now how you feel about OC. I had some hideous, unspeakable thoughts. They are normal, just don't feed them and they will go away on their own. You don't ever have to love this OC but you will feel better about yourself if you don't hate her.

I wish you a strong and speedy recovery. Keep posting, but go line up your support group first. Then come here and vent all you want.

MJ