Have no where to turn, and no one I am willing to share this with so..Just wanted to share my story. My husband & I were married when we were very young. We had our first child together after a year of being married. Although times were hard, I kept believing that our love for each would see us through. We had to move in with family who offered to help us get on our feet. To make a long story short..an affair occurred and produced oc, my husband had no choice but to tell me..

I stayed with my husband and eventually we were on our own and it's been several years..we provide monetary support to OC, but have no contact. To this day, I am still torn, we are older now and have the "picture perfect" life...even had more children..For years, I've been trying so hard to cope. Maybe it helps that we have no contact with oc. But, in my heart and in my mind, I know the child exists..and I know what happened..

Sometimes I reflect and think what if I handled this differently..how young and stupid I was..am I still stupid for accepting it..I know in my heart my husband is sincerely sorry and regrets it and is now a great husband and father..why does it feel like I'm living a secret life or something? I also feel like oc will come knocking on our door one day. What will happen to our lives then..I can't hide this forever.

All I can say is that I know how you feel-that betrayal with an OC never goes away, does it, even when life moves on?
You are here at the right place. Many of us have unfortunately faced this awfule experience, but still stand, stay married, and survive.

Welcome. How old is OC now?

I understand what you are trying to say. My Hubby has chosen no contact and we agreed as per POJA of how to handle if OC should ever come to our door, we plan to tell her the truth about how she came to be about and it will be up to her to accept or reject what we have to say. We will be very brutally honest about our reasons for no contact (Her mother is unstable when it comes to her feelings for my H) and that will be that. We will decide then if we wish to pursue any contact after that.

I can rest knowing that we have some sort of plan for action and for now we have moved on and it's going wonderful...if it weren't for that $420 that we pay every month, I would say you wouldn't know that anything happened....live and learn...my husband Mr."T" has learned a costly lesson.

We are now expecting our fifth child together (we have two from my first marriage, two together and oc is two weeks older than our "first" child together...that was a slap in the face for me.)

I don't know much about how old your children are or if you have told them. We plan to tell our children and use it as a life lesson for them to learn from. We plan to tell them with our MC whom we plan to retain for probably forever...it doesn't hurt to see her once a month for forever as far as we are concerned.

Have you talked to your H about what if the OC shows up? Have you made plans with your H about how to handle it?

It really isn't your secret...it's your H's. If he seems fine with it, I guess you can chalk your feelings up for hindsight and "what ifs"...move on and deal with things as they come...otherwise you could drive yourself batty...I know, I still have to catch myself!!!!

In my heart, I know my OC exists too and when she crosses my mind, I say a quick prayer and entrust her to the hand of God and move on...that helps me alot. God can care for her better than me or my H ever could anyway.

Hope you are feeling better...I'll be thinking about you...

Hugs,
Twiisty

Dear Unhappy Wife and Twiisty,

Thank you very much for you replies. I appreciate them. I have good and bad days dealing with it. Yes, I will talk to my h about the time oc may come into our lives one day. We've touched on it several times but haven't really faced the fact that that day may come. oc is 6. I just want to feel that it's okay for me an my h to be happy again.

I am glad I found this place. Thank you again. God Bless you.

vs,
I meant to post earlier but lost my password.

Don't "wait" to enjoy your life!!! This is an 18+years nightmare, with plenty of opportunities for drama, but also cases where contact NEVER happens, or so rarely happens. No need to ruin the rest of your life by imaginings... though I do that on occassion myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Some parents tell their kids when the kids are older, so that they don't find out from well-meaning friends/relatives/strangers. I have cousins who were approached by their half-sibling in high school--the OC knew who her bio-father was, but the sibs did not!!

H's OC is 4y old long-distance. We had mail contact until this year, when XOW showed just how nasty/ugly/bitter she will continue to be. Some XOW never get over their "loss" and blame the wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> forever. When the kid gets this attitude as well, there is no point to having either of them in your life. It's not good for anyone involved.

You were not "stupid" to stay with your H. If he regrets his sin, repents of it, is a loving husband and father, there is every reason to stay married. We AAAAAAAAAALL feel sorry for the OChildren of adultery, but there is only so much anyone can do about "spilt milk" so to speak. Let the guilt lie with the adulterers, not with you. There is no need to let your family be destroyed by the unfortunate, regretable event.

Enjoy your happy times!!
J

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Hi J--

Thanks for your reply. I feel much better. H and I had a very long and serious talk about our situation.

We plan to be happy for the rest of lives..and if oc should seek him one day, we will tell her the truth...I took twiisty's advice and will say a prayer each time oc crosses my mind. My only wish is for all of us involved to get on with our lives and be happy and leave mistakes in the past, and just take the lesson from the mistakes and make our lives better, especially for the children involved.

Thanks again and God Bless!