****DISCLAIMER...THIS IS MY OPINION AND VENT ONLY...NOT MEANT TO SPARK A DEBATE OR WHATNOT****

Besides making sure Mr."T" is ok with the shooting that happened almost two weeks ago (his bullet was the one that killed the guy) (he's a cop and stopped an armed robbery in progress).
I am going to address some feelings that I have been having lately...

Since finding out that that we are expecting, I've been having bad feelings towards Mr."T". A time that should be joyeous, especially since he's so excited about this one because he's "free of the OW/OC shadow" is hard on me. I should have had the "happy excited" Mr."T" two pregnancies ago.

I try so hard not to "go there" and let this anger go. But I still would like to settle the score with the Ex-OW. May the fleas of a thousand camels infect her shorts....Oops...did I say that?

Mini-me is now at the age where she likes to look at the pictures of her when she was a baby...I cringe when I see them and the guilty looks on Mr."T"'s face in those pictures...Mini-me was supposed to be his only "first" child...OC was born two weeks before that and they both will be three next month. I look at myself in those pictures and think, "Am I a dummy? Why didn't I see/know....________fill in the blanks"

I will address this in counseling today. Want to put to rest my feelings. They haunt me sometimes but mostly I'm able to say, it's forgiven and shrug it off.

I guess I'm not making sense and rambling right now...but glad my Oldies are here to understand where I'm coming from. This is definately a different pregnancy for me. I don't want the black cloud of ex-ow to ruin it for me. I refuse to entertain that. I can choose what I think.

Ah well...thanks for letting me air out.
Hugs and prayers to y'all and I sure miss you gals/guys....Catnip, Stacia,....et al....

Twiisty

twisty,,,,, the success of your story and others like you is what keeps me reading this board. it gives me the encouragement to continue on when i feel things building to that breaking point of "what for". maybe mr. t is so excited about this new child because he feels some quilt from the last pregnancy.

it will eat you up if you look back on those old pictures and think "what if?". when i think back and say i should have handled fullhouse differently the thought makes me shudder. i feel that if i had taken the hard line that was recommended to me by so many others my children would be sharing time in 2 separate homes right now.

as for the fleas of a 1000 camels, they would most likely have to wait for the fleas of 1000 monkeys to vacate her shorts just to make room. sorry i should know better then to make comments about a stranger.

enjoy this pregnancy to the fullest as your little bun in the oven doesn't need to feel unwanted tensions at this time.

Twiisty...I'm here. Just been on hiatus. Sometimes I just need a break from all this stuff, especially when I have been indulging myself in my own small crisis.

Twiisty, this is a bittersweet pregnancy for you. On one hand, this pregnancy is a pivotal moment in your recovery, your new beginning of new understanding and enlightenment for your husband and for you, this brand new life is so symbolic of this new improved marriage. On the other hand, you are reliving and rehashing the last pregnancies when you were in the midst of betrayal (unbeknownst?) and fraught with pain that your husband could have and did do what he did during another monumentally special time in your marriage. A time that is just supposed to be for you and him...and no one else, not ever.

It's like "how could he???"

Well, Kid, I have a theory because during my hiatus I have been reexamining these past four years of tumultuous recovery and have determined that now that I absolutely, positively know without question (There's the rub...how will I ever really know again?) that my husband is deeply and profoundly committed to me beyond where he ever was before. The irony is that now I know this and watching his joyfulness and delight in ur "new" marriage, I find myself suspicious and resentful of his boundless happiness. Yet, this is what I wanted for him...right? Right? I couldn't stand to see him suffer and beat himself up. While I am relieved his is happy and lighthearted again, I feel some resentment that he no longer acknowledges the demons that still plague me because of what he did.

He's OK and I am tortured. Sometimes...well, rarely, I admit, but sometimes I feel tortured...briefly. And when I do, I want him to be tortured with me.

But, beneath all that lighthearted, happy banter lies a man whose heart is tortured but is gracious enough not to let me endure his difficulties any longer. Once I understood that his behavior was an unselfish gesture to me, to relieve me of any further angst, to secretly deal with his own demons, I eased way up on him.

In Bipolar's life, it is now all about me. And I suspect that in Mr. T's life, it is all about you. He deals with his demons privately and spares you the emotional fallout to give you a kind of reprieve and makes the effort to make this new life of yours brand new and special and this child a symbol of your new life together, your new commitment and enjoying this special, special time.

Let go of it, Twiisty...just let it all go and grab onto the joy and the happiness and let him spoil and love you and shower you with all the things you didn't get before...because you're so worth it...and he so knows it.

Years from now, you will be glad you did. This special time, if you let it, might be the mortar in the bricks for everlasting recovery.

God bless, Twiisty...going back on hiatus for a while but I'll be back. I'll be your Fairy God Cat and check in occasionally.

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ October 14, 2002, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Twiisty,

I too like Catnip, have been on hiatus. I needed a break and have occupied myself with building my son's website for his first grade class.

But I popped in today to check on my friends and I saw your post. I couldn't help but think of Sunday.

We are sitting in church. I'm watching my beautiful husband in the chior stand, singing his heart out. Thinking, "oh how much I love this man." And out of no-where, crashing from hell below, I start thinking about OW giving him oral sex in his mini-van.

My God, where did that come from.

I was ashamed, embarassed and disgusted.

But you know what. After a few seconds I realized where Satan was trying to push my mind, and I stopped, said a small prayer and concentrated on the good spirit that filled the church with everyone praying and singing.

It was horrible, but I wouldn't allow it to last. You have control over your mind. Ask for God's strength and for him to wrap his arms around around your spirit. He will deliver.

I'm praying for you too,
Z.

Dear Twiisty,

Go ahead, color me BTDT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I can't tell you how often ugly thoughts can invade my mind but I do agree, we can control what we think. Maybe we can't control those flashes of memory but we are able to control whether or not we put them in the category of "already worked out, don't need to trouble myself any further" or "I am going to sit here and chew on this rawhide toy for awhile."

Zebrababy, Wow! are you a gutsy woman to admit that. I admire you for the courage to say what so many of us experience. This is not betrayal and anger and pain in some abstract sense, this is physical, intimate, full-color graphic pain and the images that can snap into our heads are ones that should never have been there. Funny that we don't think about our spouses' before marriages sexual experiences in the same way. Well, guess it isn't too funny.

MJ