I am the unfaithful one--the wife. I have confessed, completely stopped the relationship (it was online and the OM is over 1000 miles away)I am trying to be 100% accountable for my time, I am trying to live by all the rebuilding principles. I did an awful thing for which I offer NO excuses. Its been a bit over a month--but my H refuses to even begin to forgive me. He still yells and screams at me --calling me horrible names and scaring the children. He had me confess this to my parents--which was horribly shameful--but I did it because I love him. I don't want a divorce-I forgave him when he transgressed but now he is hell bent on punishing me----help---I am SO SAD! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Sad,

I'm sorry you had to come here. Can you tell us more.

Have you suggested MC to your H. He is angry, but yelling and name calling is not going to resolve the problem. What you did was wrong and you know it. You confessed to it. There is no room for name calling. It is verbally abusive and it is teach the children that it is okay to verbally bully someone. That is not acceptable behavior in my opinion.

thank you Sue with hope. I have begged for counseling and I hope we will go--but I hope it is with someone who is not going to encourage divorce. I have confessed and I am so so sorry--and it is TOTALLY over--but I am suffering so--pray for me and my children. god bless!

I've heard good things about the Harley's. They are expensive also. What I know about them is they do a phone counsleing. They do not advocate divorce.

If/when he agrees, interview you counselor first. Find out if they advocate trying to save the M first.

Curious - did you pick the Pregancy/child one because you are pregnant?

If not, you might want to repost under "just found out" or "General Questions" More people go there. Especially the "General Questions"

How many children do you have? How long have you been M? You mentioned his transgression, I assume he had either a EA or PA or both, did you two resolve those issues. Unsresolved past issues have a way of creeping up on us in ways we least expect.

Sue, being new to the site--I posted in the wrong forum--nope I am not pregnant--and I've asked an admin to move this to infidelity.

I have 3 children--his, mine and ours. He broke the rules too--we went to counseling for his transgression--and we were making progress--but I let my resentment take me out of line.

I have suggested the phone counseling and I will interview. I am very grateful for your help and welcome any further comments. Now I need to get to sleep--work tomorrow! grateful!

I have to get home and get to bed. I'm just finishing up work. Okay, I was done a couple of hours ago. Waiting for some stuff to finish so I can leave.

Too bad you did not find this place before you had your online A. It helps to vent the resentment here. I understand how the resentment can get to you.

I started having feelings (I think they were mostly in my head and coming from selfpity and all that stuff) about a long time male friend. I started thinking about him in ways I should not have. I never told him. Instead I distanced myself from him. Why tell him when it is probably all one sided and would make him uncomfortable, and not to mention, what it could do to my M if he reciprocated. Best to leave sleeping dogs lie and pull back. Venting here helped to keep me in perspective.

If I can get on tomorrow I will. Good luck and prayers for you and yours.

Sue--believe me--it will never happen again because I will come to this site first. I have completely stopped everything but so far (its been 5 weeks since he found out) it has been a horrible roller coaster. My step mom and dad were over last night and I confessed to them in front of my H. My husband made me do that because he thoughtit would be harder to lie to them--but he still doesn't believe me that it is over and nothing physical ever happened.

He then read some of my lovely emails aloud to them--I thought my father was going to die on the spot. Then when my dad said--OK--we don't have to hear the emails--she already said they were horrible--my H starting calling my dad a f--king lawyer bast--- and yelling at my step mom, too--who is as sweet as they come. My folks think my H is being very abusive and only wants to punish and embarass me.

I am going to a counselor with my step mom on Monday morning--just me for now. I've told my H I will go with him to see anyone he wants--as long as they are a christian and pro-reconciliation.

I know its early and he's still hurting--but how long before the abuse stops??? He carries things forever and I am concerned that he will never let this go.

Pray for me and my family, Sue. thanks, stef

Hi Stef,

I understand his anger. I do not understand his need to punish you. I though of you on my way home last night. Now, I am not a counselor or psychologis or anything like that. I'm wondering if part of his reaction is due to the guilt he is feeling with regards to his own transgression. Could it be that he blames himself for you actions so instead of acknowledging it, he is punishing you.

No matter what, it does not excuse his behavior. Yes, what you did was wrong, you admitted it, you are trying to prove to him that you are trustworthy. What does humiliting you accomplish? Nothing really. Does it make him feel better? Probably not. What he is doing is emotionally and verbally abusing you. That is not how to repair a M.

After his A, what did he do to regain your trust?

Some may feel that his A is not the issue here, but it is, along with your A. You handled your resentment wrong, you know it, and do not plan to repeat it. You are human, we all make mistakes. I can guess how you were feeling about his A, going by my own feelings. How long ago was it?

Is this the first time he has been like this towards you in your M?

Prayers are with you.

His A was the trigger for mine--i reached out to my e-mail friend within weeks-- but of course at that point for comfort via eamil--felt safe--this guy was far far away. After my h's A, we went to counselling--he gave me all his email addresses and said he stopped all communication with the Ow--she lived in england-- so for the most part--I wanted to believe him--besides it was very out of character for him in the first place.

As far as emotional and verbal abuse before now--the main issue for my H is that he holds grudges forever!!! he remembers and throws up stuff at me that happened years ago--things like I didn't want to go on a certain place or didn't appreciate a gift enough--little **** he should let go of. I hold a grudge for a moment--and then let go. When he had his A I loved him so much and he confessed and said it was over and went to counselling--I WANTED to believe--even if the trust wasn't there yet. I am a trusting person in general---and I am a lawyer--how can that be. I am a positive, happy, artistic-type person--my H is more serious, more analytical--so he stews about stuff more.

As the one who cheated--now I want to be completely accountable--I need to learn ways to make that happen. I am giving him all my numbers, calling him and telling him where I am going--when I'll be home etc. I don't resent this AT ALL--it is the least I can do. but if he is gone out of town and I am alone--how can I be accountable at night. I am home and he can call at any time--and I'll be here--I hope we can go to counseling and the professional can give us ideas about this.

I think my A has made him very angry and hurt ont he one hand and very self righteous on the other, making him feel "less" bad about his A. He thinks my A is so much worse because of graphic emails. I've told him that altho I wrote emails--he can't say he feels worse than I did. He can't measure how I felt--nor can I measure how he feels--we only know we both felt horrible!

Sue--all in all, we've lost a lot of sleep in the last few weeks, but over the last few days we have spent enormous time together talking, having fun, crying, hugging and TRYING to move forward. He is immature in some ways--which is why he is trying to humiliate me--but he doesn't really accomplish that --people look at him when he behaves like that and wonder whether perhaps I had reason to do what I did. However--what I did was WRONG--no matter what he does. If I am unhappy, I should change my situation--but not breach my promises.

I am feeling better today. Thanks again for your support. I am most grateful. stef

Hang in there. There are things you can do to reassure your H of your renewed commitment. His resentment might be a threat to your recovery tho... Is your H open to Marriage Builders? Dr.Harley has a Q&A article about overcoming resentment, but perhaps your H may not be open to that just yet, still, there are many Q&A articles that can help you with suggestions on how you can reassure your H and fill his top emotional needs. Keep the faith!

Hi,
Just wanted to stop in and say Hi.

I've had a very busy weekend, and this week is my busy week.

Sue, how very sweet of you. My H and I have signed up for the Dallas MB seminar in mid-november. Dr, Harley is conducting the seminar himself. I hope and pray it is wonderful.

Times are very tough right now. My H is being very vindictive and hurtful--in front of family. I have a lot of support from family. No one condones my behavior or his, but they know I've repented from the bottom of my heart and that I am through with the OM. Believe me--with the stress and the abuse at home, I come to this site often to avoid the temptation to write the OM--it has helped EVERY time. Or I call my mom and of course I pray.

I really hope the weekend with Dr. Harley helps us begin again. Lord knows I want to--I don't know about my H yet.
Have a comforthing week. stef

Hi Stef,

I hope the seminar works. At first I thought, boy, November, then I realized, guess what, October is almost over.

I hope he gets control over his anger. I learned the hardway, staying bitter and angry at ones past actions hurts the M, not help it

Hi,

Still with us?