It's been 6 months since my h told me about her. I asked for a divorce immediately. He didn't want one. Said he still loved me too. I decided to compete for him. Didn't really work. He's so addicted to her. After all this time and many flip flops on his part we are at a standoff. I can't make myself ask him to leave. After not being in touch with her for a month, he's leaving her messages to call him but she's ignoring them. She knows he's still in love with her because he won't send back her jewelry and house keys. So I think she's playing a waiting game to make him miserable. I asked him how long he's going to chase her and leave messages. He can't answer me. He is like a lost, sad puppy but he refuses to give her up. I read all of the series and so did he. He says there's nothing about the spouse who doesn't want to give up the other woman and can't live without her. Will he ever want to give her up? What will do it? He doesn't even want to give me the chance to fulfill his emotional needs that she filled. I don't want to sit around while he goes back to talking to her. Help! I'm so confused, exhausted and shattered. I've lost 16 lbs in the first 2 months and really can't afford to lose more. What are the answers?

In the book by Dr Harley Surviving an Affair it sais that most affairs end eventually. Maybe since the other woman isn't returning his calls, she is tired of the affair and it is at the end. The book sais your spouse is likely to be very depresses when the affair ends and it is hard to deposit love units till this depression lifts but antidepresant medication may help if the depression is savere. It also sais the betraying spouse may not even be appologetic for having had an affair.

He refuses to end it himself. He leaves her messages at least once a day. I think she's playing a waiting game. He says he needs information only she can give to make his decision. I told him last night that I deserve more than I'm getting after 25 years of marriage and 5 years of dating. 30 years in all. And that I will not live my life on hold waiting for her information to dictate my life. He either wants "us" or he wants "them". Decide or move out. Then he plays on my sympathies. Saying: I know I want us, I just can't give her up and the cycle begins again!

why do you put up with this? he wont give her up becuase you do not require him to. you are letting him stay with you and still call her.

you need to go to plan B and kick him out before he will give her up. if you cant do that, things will stay the same. he will continue to disrespect you.

People make difficult choices all the time. There are very few "uncontrollable" urges. I mean, your H doesn't walk down the street and stop in the middle and unzip his pants and moon everybody (I hope), so he has self-control, he just chooses not to exercise it.

Some choices are harder than others, but none are insurmountable.

The situation you are in is doing you no good that I can see, Dr. H has several points on dealing with infidelity, I would encourage you to read them (Up in the Q&A section).

But in a nutshell, as long as the situation is allowed to continue, it will not change. You are being taken advantage of, and allowing it to happen.

I suspect a plan A is probably in your best immediate future, but read the Q&A material, and make your choices.

Have you posted this on General QuestionsII or Just Found Out boards? I believe they are both on the Infidelity section. There is a lot more traffic there and you may get more support and more ideas.