Had a brief counseling session with Steve this morning. I am VERY torn as to what is the "right" thing to do at this point. I KNOW that I shouldn't leave my marriage because of what God's word tells me, BUT, how do I stop feeling love for the OM? If I were to follow my wordly heart and advice from my wordly friends the "right" thing would be to go to the OM because I am having his baby and he can sometimes make me happy. When I listen to my head and read my Bible I am so convicted to work on my marriage and let God sort everything out. I tried so hard to get away from what I was reading in my Bible the other night that I kept getting verses in my head in my sleep. Sometimes God just doesn't want you to rest!
I am at a crossroads and wanting to do the right thing. Please recognize that I am hurting as well as my amazing spouse and the OM. If you have any words of wisdom please respond.
My spouse has left the house not wanting contact in order for me to make my decision.

As for now... depressed and confused........

Dear BE,

Well, I have, in a way, been in your shoes! I am a FWS who has had a child from an A. The major differences are that my H and I never seperated, and I had already seen the light as to my relationship w/xOM. I would strongly urge you to continue counseling w/Steve, and to continue posting to this board!

My personal advice is to stay in your M, work out your problems, and have no further contact w/OM. I know, how do you do that when you are expecting OM's child? Well, in most states, your H is considered the baby's father, unless he contests it in court. But, you would have to check with your state laws to be sure. As for this love that you feel for OM, well, I did notice that you mentioned going to OM because he can "sometimes make you happy". Is that what love is truly about?

I wish that I had a little more time, but am on "borrowed" internet time for the next couple months. Keep posting, and good luck!

Tigger

Hi there,

You could go to amazon dot com and type in:

Boundaries

a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

someone from this site recommended this book to me, and within the first 2 hours my whole life changed for the better. It is written from a biblical perspective, and will help you more than you can even imagine right now!!

Also, this site has great info, keep posting! Keep reading the main site!

This website has improved my M 100%, and it's still improving.

-blueberry

Hi, ButterflyEmerging,

A little over a year ago I was in your very shoes. Pregnant and very much in love (or so I thought) with OM, but yet being convicted to stay in my Marriage and work it out.

I pretty much had one foot out the door. Had an apt. and everything. But a sermon at church one Sunday really convicted me and I knew that if I left my marriage for this OM, there was no way I could expect God to bless me in my life with OM.

The sermon was from the book of Joshua. Pastor spoke about being in God's perfect will for our lives, versus His permissive will, versus downright disobedience. He said that if we are in downright disobedience then we forfeit God's protection, God's blessings, and infact, incur his wrath and discipline. Of course, if you decide to go with OM God will forgive you, but you will definately forfeit all the blessings God would like to shower down on you for staying in your Marriage.

All I can say now that I'm on the other side of this is that it isn't easy, but it is the most worthwhile thing I have ever done. In time, the fog will lift and you will see that you didn't really love OM at all. I know you want to scream at me right now and say, "But I DO!" But its all a fantasy. You and OM don't live in the real world. If you were to try to make a go of things with him there's no doubt in my mind that the attraction would wear off very quickly and you would realize just how precious your husband is to you.

Its possible to work it out with your H. Its possible for him to raise and love your child. Mine is. Our son is now 9.5 months old and we have a newfound purpose and love for each other that we didn't have before. Our child has brought new life into our marriage, both literally and figuratively. (We named him Joshua after that sermon.)

If you are being convicted, do what God is leading you to do. Otherwise, you will be miserable. Remember Jonah? He knew God wanted him to go to Ninevah to preach repentence and yet he refused to go. It took him 3 days of sitting in the belly of a whale before he said, "OK, I'll go."

Don't mean to preach at you, but who better to listen to than one who has been there? And I have.

God will bless you for doing the right thing. You will be in my prayers and I'll continue to look for and reply to your posts.

Noplacelikehome

hmmmm???? is that a noplacelikehome sighting? almost like clockwork. i saw that post coming about 2 weeks ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .... hard to explain, but suffice it to say that ButterflyEmerging knows exactly what this post means <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
almost verbatum huh? scary.

you can ask her too, noplacelikehome and i had no contact. i didn't even offer her a bribe.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

peace
tim <<<<< tooting his own horn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Praying for you both. You can do this.... Will continue to watch for you.

Been a really hard emotional week again. Some days I feel like I am getting closer to ending everything with OM but something happens that makes me not want to give up talking to him.
I heard on our local Christian radio the other night that "Potter's Field Ministry" was going to be at one of the local churces. My hubby and I had seen them a couple of years back and since I was planning on going to church on Wed night anyways thought this might be something we could both enjoy. I called him and he had just heard the same advertisement so we decided to go. I wasn't prepared for the emotions or the message. I didn't remember how much they discussed their broken marriage before and how God healed them. There were many other things that were so convicting as well. I had to literally fight with myself to not go forward at the alter call but in the end, my selfish spirit won out. Why can't I give in and let go of OM? Why do I feel like either way I go will be huge regrets?
I invited hubby to go to my ultrasound the next day and surprisingly he did. He stayed that night and went with me the next morning. They let him go in the last 5 minutes or so and I was watching him more than the screen I think. I have been fearful that he wouldn't be able to accept this baby if I stayed with him, but seeing his face looking at that little bitty baby on the screen made me realize he could love this baby. When she had me push on my belly and the baby reacted and stretched out it's little legs it's like it hit me. I really am having a baby. No denying that I'm just getting fat again cuz I'm starving all the time. Tim showed the ultrasound picture to the waitress in the diner at breakfast, the guy at the checkout at Kinko's, my parents.. all making me realize how easily he could accept this baby if given the opportunity.
We had a very long discussion when he brought me back to the house. I was so tired, he knew this but didn't seem to care. He gets so focused on what he wants to do and it has to happen now that our conversation was making me angry. Not so much what he was saying but how and when I answer something that isn't what he wants to hear he jumps down my throat. I found myself getting angrier and angrier and when it was all said and done and he decided to make it "simple" on me and walk away until I call him with my plan for reconciliation I was actually relieved. I don't know if he even comprehended that. He knew that for the previous 4 hours I had been telling him that I needed a nap. I think we would've had a more productive talk if he would've let me rest an hour. I was/am so close to running back to God and allowing him to make this marriage work. I don't know why I just can't give up OM. We were engaged 16 years ago and I think in a way I don't want to break his heart by leaving him again. It feels even worse knowing that I'm most likely carrying his baby.
Noplace... you wrote that you I'd say I really do love the OM. I really do, but in the back of my mind I seriously doubt we'd work out long-term. Did you have that feeling also?
Blueberry...I have read Bounderies in Marriage by the same authors and at the end of last year when I was desperately trying to save our marriage I found it helpful. The fact that I knew how to avoid an affair but still let myself is the part that I think makes me selfish. My wordly heart took over my head. I'm glad you are so good about recommending that book though, I need to dust it off and read through it.
I did have plans to see the OM this weekend but after Tim's ultimatum of if I do see him again he's done fighting for our marriage I decided that even if I'm not 100% on board with Tim this minute I wouldn't risk that.
Sorry for the rambling... I seem to be in ultrahard think mode this morning.

I know right where you are, ButterflyEmerging. And your screen name seems so appropriate for where you are at right now. God is calling you, don't shut Him out. Do what you know He is leading you to do. You said so yourself, you and OM wouldn't even last long term. You know that.

And yes, I knew it too. And when you let OM go, and go through the rest of your pregnancy with Tim, have this baby with Tim, and fall in love with this baby with Tim, you and Tim are going to fall back in love with each other. It will take time and its not going to be easy. But if your situation weren't so like mine I couldn't speak with such certainty. But you and Tim are me and H - to the "T."

Listen to me - OM is just meeting needs that you really want Tim to meet. With OM in the picture, you can't see Tim clearly. And for that matter, being married you can't even see OM clearly. If you were with OM, it would be a whole different ballgame. One I don't think you'd stay to see all the innings of, either. You'd lose what you have now with OM. It would change. Then what are you going to do? Go back to Tim then? By then it might be too late. Then what? Raise this baby on your own? I'm sure you could, but don't you think that for the sake of this child, as well as your own, that you should work it out with Tim? I'm sure he meets some needs for you. Otherwise you wouldn't be so torn on whether or not to leave. OM isn't going to be able to meet those needs for you. Why not learn together with H, how to meet those needs that OM seems to be meeting right now?

When I was in my quandry about what to do and talking to my parents, my sister, my pastor, and some very close friends of my family, my father told me, "The evil that you know is better than the one you don't." And that made me think long and hard because when it came right down to it, I didn't really know OM. Not like H. And I didn't know that OM would always be there for me like H was. He said he would be. But guess what? He wasn't.

And this next point is very - I repeat, very - important. Once you break it off with OM, go to NO CONTACT. If there are any issues that come up because of the baby, let someone else be the go-between. Hopefully though, you will be able to raise this child with Tim and without any interference from OM. Raising our son as my H's and mine, in a traditional one mommy, one daddy, environment, seems to be the way to experience the least amount of hassels. I commend those that are able to do otherwise, but why make it harder on yourself than it already will be?

Sorry if I've spoken too plainly and without much restraint. But if I can spare someone getting hit by the same train I've been hit by, I'm sure as hell going to do it.

Don't waste any more precious time that could be better spent rebuilding your M. When you get to where I am now, you will thank God that you made the right decision.

Noplacelikehome

Thank you so much Noplace. I don't think you can be "too" straight-forward with me right now, I seem to be at that place where I want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I chose this name earlier this year because I really felt like with losing weight like I was I had no idea who I was going to find underneath. The person in transition that I found hasn't been the nicest but I know that can change.
You're very true about Tim meets some needs, I wouldn't have the internal struggle if he didn't. I really appreciate your perspective.
I had forgot about my "life verse" until the other night at the Potter's Field and it really does show how far I've taken my eyes off God.
1 Cor.2:6
No eyes have seen, no ears have heard, no mind can conceive what God has planned for those that love Him.

I know only a couple of certain things right now. This baby is going to come no matter who I am with. Tim will be a man of God, he's changed too much to ever go back to what he was.

Rambling again... but thanks for the words. You sound like you are an amazing woman.

Patty