Okay here it is...

Does it make a difference how long you were married to determine whether your marriage is worth saving?

My reason for asking this question, I was on another site. I happened to read a post from a memeber that post here also, explaining how she went in the Dark, and that's how she got her husband back.

So I posted to the person, they gave me some advice, and I followed the advice. I visited the site recently found someone else had applied to my post, and ask why wasn't I divorced (DUH) If I wanted a divorce I replied I wouldn't be here I would be divorce real simple.

Well the person that gave me the advice in the begining replied again. I guess she was defending the person that asked why wasn't I divorced.

Well low and behold the person that gave me the advice stated, you have to understand my H and I been married for 12 yrs or better. Your marriage (meaning mine) was only short lived, your H honeymoon stage was longer with XOW then yours,I was hurt when I read this because divorce is not in my heart. I asked my H why was he still married to me H said he has all ways thought of reconciliation. H also stated there were lot of reason he stayedmarried to me.

I asked did you use marriage as an excuse to not marry XOW he said no I didwhat I want to do and marrying ow was not one of them.

I asked H well why did you contact me H said he feels a bond to me that he has to no one else.
H said he is getting his self together he apologizes for all the wrong and etc.

I just feel at times some folks feels your marriage doesn't mean anything unless there is time invested and there are children but it seems to me they forget your marriage has to start from somewhere to get were you are today with yrs invested. This is one of the reasons I stopped posting.H was with XOW FOR 22 MOS OC played a big part in this

Any opinions are welcomed.

<small>[ October 22, 2002, 04:34 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

MALC

That poster is an insenstive clod and sounds incredibly arrogant...and very, very new. Obviously this poster does not understand the MB doctrine/principles and I hope someone will come along and educate this poster.

It does not matter if you've been married forty years or forty minutes. It does not matter if you have children or not. Marriage is sanctioned by God. He hates divorce and wants marriages to thrive and survive.

So, who is this poster and what thread?

Keep working toward recovery, MALC...

Catnip =^^=

MALC -
I agree with Catnip on this one. I looked at my H this morning as he slept & thought - after all of this, instead of me looking at him with disgust & anger over the pain he caused, I looked at him with the most loving eyes & thought - you are still my H and I still love you.

The best advice I got is from a friend who said - you'll know when you are ready to divorce if it should ever come to that. Your H said the same thing my H said. He always held out for reconciliation. Divorcing me has never been an option to him. I think our H's must be a lot a like in trying to wade through the mess they created. Is your H going to IC at all?

Vee

Catnip - you are so full of wisdom.

MALC,

There is no limit on how long, thats just me. Look at my situation. My H and I were together for almost 6 years and out of that 6 years we had only been married for 3 months no kids no ties. When I found out about his A, I couldn't believe it just after 3 months of marriage. I wanted a divorce but like you it wasn't in my heart. I attempted to divorce so many times, but with the help from the members here I waited until my anger had gone. Low and Behold, I woke up 1 day and realized I had forgiven not only my H but the exOW for their A. Some one have me the best advise of my life dealing with. She said to me, do you love your H, I sid yes. She said the next time you look into his eyes look at his soul look past the A and look at the man you fell in love with. When I did that, it was a miracle.

I now enjoy and thank God everyday for my H.

People are the first to offer opinon's but, This is what tell people that disagree with my situation.

IT'S NOT FAIR TO OFFER AN OPINON ON MY LIFE UNTIL YOU HAVE WALKED IN MY SHOES.

You can listen to everyone, read as much as you can, but first and formost listen to your heart and listen to God. He helped me.

God Bless
DBH

Thank you so much everyone!
I was begining to feel lost and no where to go.
What I will do I will find the post and print so you all can read.Catnip you are very wise.
Vee I know you understand also.
DBH. I'm feeling you also once again I know I belong here thanks to you all.

THIS IS THE POST I RECEIEVED IT WAS FROM CAROLKH
_________________________________________________

Maria, you have to remember, I was in a LONG term marriage of 19 yrs (22 NOW!). We had a lot of history, plus a child together (and 4 steps between us).

You had a very brief marriage before you separated, and your H is off with another woman. Generally speaking the "honeymoon" phase lasts much longer than it did with you.

It would seem to me like this might be one you do not want to save. Just IMHO. Maybe you should follow your instincts and get the D. I am really pro marriage and anti divorce, but sometimes it is for the best. If my H had been living with another woman, I am not sure I would have wanted him back. I have pretty strong moral beliefs. Thankfully my H was living in fantasy land, and only having an EA (had him followed enough, etc. that I was sure of that...she in fact had quite a few other boyfriends that she was getting cozy with...my H she just kept around to pay some of her bills...she had another older sugar daddy doing the same thing, so she must have been living pretty good, LOL).
-------------------------------------------------
Me!
This women H was having an affair he wasn't living with his wife ( which is the person who replied) so how is she so unique!!!!

MALC -
I think that during this journey, we tend to waffle quite a bit. I want a D, I don't want a D. I notice I feel like that when my H doesn't seem to be making an effort. Today, I'm down, so I feel like, maybe I should call it quits. Go get alimony & child support & just hit the road. Then I think - why should I let go of my M for some two-bit floozey? No it's not a perfect M, but dang it, I still want it & I'll fight tooth & nail for it.

When my friend filed for D, it was after 3 yrs of separation & doing some serious praying. She realized that 1) she married her H during a rebellious period in her life and 2) she was 'infatuated' with her H, not in love with him. I remember when she told me she had gotten married, I asked her if she was sure about this. No one asked me that when I married my H. No one said wait - you're too young. They looked at us & thought - they love each other & it's obvious they were meant to be. You don't need confirmation from us that you belong here MALC, if your heart is still in your marriage, then you belong here.
(HUGS)
Vee

Hi,

I have been married for three years, and I know how precious marriage is. We were so close to a divorce that all I had to do was sign the paper and put them in the mail. This was actually before my W found out about the OC. We have made a vow that we will uphold our vows, and work on our marriage, and finally fight together, and not just her fighting to keep me anymore.

Keep the faith, and I wish you 5 times 10 more years of marital bliss with you spouse...

AmLo

Thank you all so much Vee, Amlo

I'm feeling better about this knowing I'm not alone. Yes I have days, I want to throw in the towels, then I have days I say I'm not giving up.

I don't have acess to PC as much. I will be answering replys, it just takes me a little longer.
When I feel my H is getting ready to act stupid, I pull back, give him space and it helps me to stay out of my head when he starts acting like a normal person he initiates contact I won't.

That way I know he wants to talk to me, sometimes I let the phone ring so I won't appear to anxious
I take my time returning the calls it works for me.

H. response better when I'm not pressed.

I'll be back later on tonight Bless you all for being there.

<small>[ October 26, 2002, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>