My W and I have been together for 3 years, I'm 31 and she's 32 our sex life has had its ups and downs but usually stabilizes and gets back on track to about 2-3 times a week. Mainly on weekends, we both have stressful jobs and she is to stressed for sex during the week usually.

A problem we had recently was when our sex life declined was that I accused her of cheating on me. It became pretty awful and I had a huge jelousy issue and a day didn't go by that we didn't fight. She says it made her lose respect for me and she isn't ready to have sex with me again yet. Also she says in the past she often would just have duty sex with me to make me happy, but now resents me because of it. Well that was a month ago and I started counseling about a week ago and have been working very hard to overcome my issues and help our relationship grow. She is very proud of me and the hard work I'm putting in to our relationship and is very helpful and involved.
BUT--
The progress is very slow. We just got back to the point where she will kiss me. I can't touch her or even see her naked. I have a strong sex drive. I need to be patient but I'm losing hope that we will recover from the pain I caused. Any advice is appreciated tremendously.

p.s. I told her about this website and she got really excited.

Then you have probably come to the best place to find help.

Read the Concepts section up at the top. Follow that up wtih reviewing the Q&A section where Dr. H answers lots of questions from couples, and it will help "reinforce" the MB way of thinking.

Then jump over to the Emotional Needs forum, and get the questionnaire (link to it in the first post on EN), and then you and your wife fill 'em out, and exchange 'em, and start working on 'em.

There is *lots* of material on this site (besides the forums), which will help you get your relationship on-track.

But a minimal requirement is a good understanding of BC (Basic Concepts), and so it's important to read the Concepts material (link is way up at the top), and imprint it on your brain.

I think once you each are well on your way to stopping LB's, and meeting EN's, that you will find significant improvement in your relatinoship.

I guess what I'm asking is she wants to take everything really slow until she can build up enough trust in me to allow me to be that close to her again. Which is fine, but what about my strong desire for her and my SF. I feel like I have no say in this. I love her and want to wait for her to be ready but I'm running out of patience. How long do you think I should wait?

Thanks, I just read the basic concepts material and printed out the EN questionaire for us to do tonight.

It can take a long time to heal. And only your W can determine the pace. If you truly respect her, you will find a way to cope with your strong drive, while waiting for her to reach a state where she feels vulnerable.

Unfounded accusations cause tremendous drain on the lovebank, and it can take much time to restore it to a level where she can trust you.

In short, there is no hard and fast rule. THere's nothing that says, OK, 3 weeks, and your W better be good and ready. It's very individual.

If you and your W can communicate w/o LB's or any of that stuff (read Basic Concepts), and have a truly frank, mutually respectful conversation, then the "length" of time is a perfectly reasonable topic of conversation. It lets her know that you desire her sexually, but by waiting, you're also demonstrating that you respect her as aperson, and not just a receptacle or object.

It could be that your W is not ready to open up to you because of other EN's not being met, and that the cheating accusation just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Dr. H's theory runs along the lines of, "If the En's are met, the SF's will be met". Note which is first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It could be that your W is not ready to open up to you because of other EN's not being met, and that the cheating accusation just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Dr. H's theory runs along the lines of, "If the En's are met, the SF's will be met". Note which is first </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jay, you were dead on with this one. Her EN's weren't being met and the cheating accusations completely drained the love bank. Last night I printed out the basic concepts which we read and then we did the EN questionaire. We both learned alot.
I feel like I can make better progress now that I understand which EN's are most important to her.
I am so glad I found this website!

I'm very glad for you. The tools on this site are awesome. And following the methods and practicing what Dr. H preaches will work wonders in your relationship. ON this, and many other areas.

I'm glad to hear things improved.

Good luck, and don't hesitate to pop back if you have more ?'s.