Not sure where to start. We had a child almost a year ago & my wife has not lost the weight she put on during pregnacy. She has a very low opinion of her looks & feels if I do not have the same low opinion of how she looks I cannot accept her and will be likely to cheat on her when I finally realize what she looks like. She sees herself as 'fat' and unless I admit to her that I think she is fat, she feels I am in denial of how bad she looks. we have argued about this repeatedly & I think she looks good and am attracted to her. I know she has put on weight, but that does not cause me to not be attracted to her. After very heated arguements & threats from her to leave I did say that she is fat - that is the worst think I have ever said to her. I felt aweful about saying that especially since I didn't mean it. It did settle the arguement at the time, but it is now still an issue. She thinks since I think she is fat then I am appaled by her. But if I don't think she is fat then I don't accept her.

Part of her insecurity is that I was involved in porn before we were married & she thinks I cannot be attracted to anyone except for skinny model type women. She thinks if she loses weight then I will be less likely to return to porn. Sorry for the long post. Although this may sound trival, it is causing major major problems for us.

Believe me, nobody is going to see this as trivial. Because it's not. Feelings are feelings, and *nobody*, not you, me, your neighbor, priest or milkman can tell you that you should or shouldn't be having them. You just do.

PA (Physical Attractiveness) can be a powerful emotional need for some people.

I am guessing that really, at the deepest level, weight really isn't the issue. One obvious thing might be some kind of hormone issue after the pregnancy, perhaps things just haven't settled down yet, or perhaps post-partum depression or something like that. So I would encourage you to get that looked at to rule it out.

Other things it could be is that perhaps your wife's low self-image results from some need she has not being met. I coudln't say what it was, but I can offer a couple suggestions.

1) Go to the concepts link at the top, and print and read *everything* under it. These BC's (Basic Concepts" are the fundamental pillars on which MB is based. It is important that you have a detailed understanding of those in order to move forward.

2) Read several of the letters (pick any you want), in the Q&A section. Dr. H does a great job of showing how to apply MB principles in a real-world situation, where the application may not be quite as obvious. This will help you learn to apply the BC's to your own experience.

3) If your W is willing to explore healing the relationship, then in the Emotional Needs forum there is something called the EN questionnaire. Both of you fill it out,and then work on meeting the top needs of each other.

4) ALong with all this, Dr. H recommends spending 15 hours of undivided attention each week. That's not 15 hours of watching the tube, but 15 hours of *actively* spending time together. Spending time with your W will reaffirm to yoru W your desire to be with her, regardless of PA, and may begin to heal those wounds.

Getting over the porn issue is non-trivial as well. IN this case, it's a little like rebuilding trust. Can she trust that you're not judging her, or comparing her to all those pornstars. Dr. H has some good articles on recovering from infidelity, and part of that is rebuilding trust. While the infidelity part may not directly apply, the rebuildling trust part does.

Of course, your and your W communication must be free of LB's, DJ's, and all tha tother stuff, which you can learn much more about in the Concepts section.

I would encourage you to review all that material. Twice. Then see how you can start to apply it, and if you have other questions, don't hesitate to post again, somebody is always around that can offer some tips.

But a good understanding of BC is critical.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.