Hello there,
This is the first time posting here, but I have been reading alot!! I have been getting alot of input and I see there are many people in my shoes!! But when is enough just plain enough!! How much can one person take in and absored without exploding? Reality here! I found out on X-mas eve that he wanted a Divorce, but much to my surprise I put it together and realized there was someone else. Anyway the lies and deceit that came along with it , the damamge!!!! And lucky me when he thought fessing up would be good he told me about others, a few one niter's and two other's so for 12 years there has been 4 other's a a handful of 1 niters and the last one resulting in a child, lucky me!!!! And he thinks and says he's sorry but asked ow to have baby, I am not a human punishing bag!!!! Save marriage why? We decided not to have any more. But he wants me to accept this [censored] child from his A talk about a slap in the face!!! The way I see it as I'm in the negative, facts are facts!!! I know If this happened to a friend or sister or someone close I would not tell them to hang in there!!!!!There must be a time when enogh is enough.please feel free to tell me anything you want , but pleas be truely honest!!!!!!!!

Jill

Jaggerslady...

Does your husband still want a divorce or has he expressed a desire in rebuilding the marriage? I know you have known about his wanting a divorce since last Christmas, but when was D-Day on the infidelities and when was D-day on knowledge of the OC? You seem to be in the rage stage...am I right?

My rage stage lasted me about three years. I was always seething. I was so enraged that my husband could do something like this to me and to us, I was beside myself with grief and rage and it was so deeply profound, it literally took my breath away. Every waking thought was of my husband, his affair, his whore and the [censored] spawn. I was obsessed. I was nuclear holocost.

My husband told me he wanted a divorce out of the blue. I was completely shocked and caught off guard. Why wouldn't he want me? Why doesn't he love me? I wondered. It didn't make any sense...wasn't I everything to him that he ever wanted? He had always told me so...until that day in October of 1998 when he ambushed me with his announcement he wanted out.

It's taken me longer than most, but I no longer refer to the OW and the OC in such a demeaning manner, I don't feel the anger or the rage...God has replaced my intense anger and hate with acceptance and renewed faith in Him and in my husband.

In the beginning, I, like most Betrayeds here, did the lion's share of the work in the early stages of tenuous recovery...which enraged me further! I mean, how is it I was the innocent party yet I was the one working my butt off trying to restore the marraige and coddle my husband? I thought. I had to reassure him that the damage was not so excessive where I would not be able to forgive him...that the damage, though unbelievably extensive, was not insurmountable. Even if it was, or so it seemed to be then.

The whole thing sucks, JLady, and the ruination to the marriage and your image of what your marriage was seems like everything was a lie and huge waste of your time. But, it wasn't. Good, bad or indifferent, you have learned something invaluable. Certainly it would have been better to learn life's hard lessons without the gut wrenching, soul-crushing pain of betrayal, but perhaps, someday, you and your husband will come to a higher plane of understanding, compassion and love. Some of us here have eventually found this incomparable blessing but not without incredibly hard work and pain.

While you are experiencing your rage stage, bring it here and let it all out. Your husband knows what he did to you and to the marriage, even if he minimizes it and pretends to blow it off. He mmight act like this to pretend it wasn't so bad because what he did is so hard for him to face. It takes months and sometimes years for them to acknowledge what they have done and give us any measure of satisfaction. But when it comes, it is very healing for both Betrayed and Wayward.

If your husband is a serial cheater, he might have some issues that need to be worked on with a professional...a therapist or counselor. You need to decide whether or not you can begin to forgive your husband and how badly you want your marriage. Do you have children together?

Read everything you can on the Harley principles and policies i.e Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), Rules of Honesty and Protection, Plan A and Plan B. Learn these concepts together and incorporate them into your lives and the healing will begin for both of you. In the meantime, cry in the shower and scream in the car and pray, pray and pray some more.

Good luck, JLady. You're in my prayers.

Catnip =^^=

wow catnip.... how can i follow that???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

jaggerslady,

i agree with catnip in all her points, just wanted to reinforce what i consider the most important ones.

Only you can know when enough is enough. if you take your time, read what catnip described, and as many books as you have time to that you feel will help, you may find that the enough is enough question becomes a "no brainer".

if you decide this is enough, read the divorce/divorcing section and go to it.

if you decide you feel like there is still enough left that you can forsee a reconciliation wayyyyyyy in the future, you should at least try it. divorce is so final!!! you will have much pain in your future no matter which road you travel so don't go down one or the other thinking you will minimize your pain either way.

the last thing is that cat is right about the "issues" thing regarding his many affairs. he may have been sexually molested/abused or a miriad of other very serious psychiatric problems that if go untreated will continue to come out in the negative way they have except it will get progressively worse....

sorry for all the good news <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . just trying to relay a little help and maybe some hope from one who has been there and is still up to his neck in it!!!!!

i hope you will find your way.

peace
tim

Thanks for your input,
Here's a little more about my story, I do have two kids with my husband, and yes we decided not to havw anymore, but let's say i kept my end of that!!! My D_Day was x-mas day of 2001, talk about lucky. Why is it that they think there man enough for a Affair, but wimp out by just asking for a Divorce????? This i can't understand at all. Talk about a slap in the face!!!!!!! It has been months and I say from July He has wanted to really work things out. He moved back in with her to convince her to abort this baby but he wound up telling her to keep it and blaming me for being rotten to him. Since the day i found that out I don't want him for my husband. We had to move out of state. I feel if i accept this I will be the biggest [censored] in New Jersey. Ironically It's been months now where I'm asking for the divorce, we do both agree that 80% of our marriage is ruined I might say 90%.I really need closure on this whole thing. oh OC is due 2/2003??? I do care for him and I do love him but as a friend I'm not in love with him at all. And I don't know if I ever will again. A big part of me feels If I get divored that he can never hurt me again and that Not accepting this OC and his affair. I want nothing to do with this OC at all!!! So I feel by himm accepting this OC he lost all rights to me and his family!!!!!! I really do want him in my life but not from a husband's part just as a friend.I do still have a lot of anger in me and resentment, I want to get rid of it but not sure how????? Any ideas?????? Thanks for listening
Jill

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jaggerslady:
<strong>I do care for him and I do love him but as a friend I'm not in love with him at all. And I don't know if I ever will again. A big part of me feels If I get divored that he can never hurt me again </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? Are you SURE you are not in love with him? If this is true, I'd say you are lucky because when you are truly in love and deeply committed, one has the tendency to stick it through and stay in the marriage and go through continued pain for months and years while all the "details" of reconcilliation, visitation, contact or no contact issues are determined.

You also have two children together and your husband is living with the OW to "convince her to abort"??? Why on earth does a man "have to" live with the OW rather than his wife for any reason? That is the lamest excuse I have heard.

Then he transfers blame onto you.

Well, I don't blame you for seriously considering divorce, Jill, especially since you are not in love with him. But, before you do anything permanent, please take more time to explore all avenues and study and elarn the Harley principles. If your husband is willing to sever all contact and practice these principles with you, perhaps the "in love" feelings will return and your children will not have to be the product of a divorced home.

I'm so sorry things are such a mess and you are faced with these difficult decisions but at this point I would just pray for guidance and wait a while longer to see where you want to go with this.

God bless.

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, Me and my H have been together since the end of august, and yes I still hurt alot we both needed to move for our own reasons and finically we are toghter, he recently lost his job, I work maybe one day a week for now, as far as i know he has no contact with her . even in the last two months things between us have changed , I still have hurtful things to say to him because i need to get them out of me, I don't feel at all for his pain and what he has caused.I just want to wake up one day and have all the answers. as for accepting the OC i feel I went thru enough that I don't need any part of that in my life, I guess he thought she was good enough to have his baby, slap in my face I feel that he was hoping I would accept it.Making him leave makes me feel so guilty because my kids especially my son adores him, , I do see a change in him but the price is so high. Watching my son everyday wait for his father to come see him when H was living w/OW hurt me so bad. When will I find peace again??/ Thanks again

Jill