Last night H finally told me he did not want to be married anymore. He said he would be filing soon.

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina,

My heart aches for you. As far as I'm concerned you can stay here on this forum as long as you like...I have grown fond of you this past year and you have given me some insights as well in the past.

There is nothing I can say that can or will make you feel better. One thing I can say out of this mess is that you have been an honorable wife and did your best. For that you are to be commended. You did what you could to try and I admire you for that.

Hold your head high and know that you emerged with your integrity intact. Times will be rough, you have feelings to process, but it does get better...I have been divorced before, so I know about that part. It does get better with time.

Please e-mail me if you ever need someone to listen. I believe I gave you my number...call me if you need me. I'm here for you as well as your fellow sisters and brothers who have trudged this road with you.

Continue to get counseling...continue to take care of yourself and one excellent word of advice...get yourself a good lawyer...(if you don't already have one) I got screwed in my divorce and we are seeing an Atty. to go and get my CS raised for dinobon and Curly-top.

I'm here for you dear sister...much hugs and prayers are being sent your way....
((((Hugs))))
Twiisty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorry you are going to have to deal with ending your marriage, but don't leave this forum for that reason. I think everyone here will tell you that all welcome here. You have already established yourself here, you are comfortable, so don't go unless you are no longer comfortable here. YOu still have some insights to share and those here will have to share with you.
All here have fought for their marriages and some have been successful, some have not, but we have all learned from each other.
(The only ones who have been asked to leave were the disruptive ones and those here know who they were.)
Please don't go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tina, I am so sorry to hear about these developments. I think your H may live to regret all this. It is as if he is sacrificing his more grown up children for the ones he had with OW. Yicch!@

He did not give your marriage a fair chance, but I know you did. you have nothing to regret-although seeing a marriage end when you have been with someone for so long is incredibly difficult. It is what I face as well. My H and I have been together longer than not of our whole lives. He and I know each other so well, and yet not.For I would never have expected him to have A much less be so careless as to have an OC. That is the part I will never understand,never want to know, never be with.

I will be joining you too in this area of life-- but I shall not leave and jump to the other board--you should not either.

Don't give up, but go on with your life. I know of one other man who left his wife to go live with OW-- years later, he has not married her, not divorced his wife, and misses his wife and family.Do not give up -- anything can happen.,

And email me too. I lost your email address as well.

Hmm... You know what, Tina, I think you should talk to your kids so they can get your truths from you. I wouldn't count on your H to tell them what he's really doing. Plus, you want to keep open lines of communication with your kids and let them know they can come to YOU to get their questions answered. He's probably not the best one to give them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, you know what I mean??? I don't think I would trust him to tell your kids what they need to know and I really think they should hear from you on this one.... Just my gut reaction to your post... Do what you think is best. You know best. HUGS! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Tina I am sorry I havent responded more quickly, I have been swamped with in laws for a week.
I am sorry this is happening to you, I do know how difficult it is to go through a seperation and not know what to do with your self. You have tried so hard, But I agree with BINTHERDUNTHAT, sit and tell your children, I think you should do it together, They need to hear it with you together, that way no one misunderstands. He created this mess, Not you, let him suffer the consequences.
I dont think you should leave the forum, but by all means if you need support on a different level then you should get that support wherever you find the greatest comfort.

Sending you a prayer and a big hug.
I will be on line for a few hours this morning, holler if you need to vent.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Tina }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am at a loss for words. My heart breaks for you. I pray that your husband's heart will be touched by God. And I pray for your strength.

I agree with BTDT and Mo5, you should make him tell the whole truth with you there. That way there is not gray. It'll be all black and white and you don't have to worry about him making you look like the bad guy who couldn't forgive, etc.

I know it sounds empty ... but try and focus on you and your healing. Take care of yourself, in fact indulge a little.

God has a plan for you, get yourself ready to receive his blessings, whatever they may be.

Z.

Twiisty, UW, Texas Girl ZB, Mof5, BTDT,
Thank you all for responding.

Well it's been only two days since H mentioned starting the process. It seems like its been weeks.

Thanks for your support.

Tina

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear Tina,

I have been meaning to get to your post for a day or two. I am sorry for the delay.

I am so sorry about your H's decision. I know that it must be very painful.

I don't want to create false hope because I would hate to see it crush you again, but it really isn't over until its over and then it still ain't over. There are couples on MBers who have reconciled on the courthouse steps and others that have remarried after a divorce. In fact, the Harleys recommend that if you still want the marriage that you give it up to two years after the divorce.
Do you know which plan you are in? Are you implementing it fully and correctly? Right now he gets some of you and some of her. You can't help that if you are in Plan A, but if the pain is too great you could always implement a full Plan B. No contact--use a third party. Let him know (by removing yourself from his life completely) that while this will not be bitter and angry that he doesn't get to have both of you forever.

I am storming the heavens for you asking for peace and strength.

MJ

Tina, I agree with MJ. I know sitting on the fence is a very comfortable place to be. I think you should go into a firm plan B. as it stands now, H thinks you and he will be friends for kids-- maybe at some point, but not now. If you want to go to meet for son, do so,but not with your H. Be apart from him. Make plans with son without him.That is the life he will lead after and if you divorce.
Do it. It will keep your sanity. And call Steve Harley and ask for advice-- if only for one session. The money spent will be worth it.

Dearest Tina

I am so, so sorry, Honey. I agree with both MJ and Unhappy Wife...an extremely strong Plan B and remain hopeful, as hopeful as reasonably possible.

I think our age makes us really, really vulnerable to staying in something, wanting something that is not really healthy for us. We act needy because we are...needy. Our lives are unside down and out of control with everyone else calling the shots and threatening the only thing important to us, everything we have ever know for decades. Then suddenly, on someone else's whim, it's over and we have nothing to say about it and no way to stop it and it isn't fair.

We feel abandoned, rejected and betrayed and wonder what we ever did to deserve to be cast off like yesterday's trash after all we have nutured together, built together and devoted ourselves to for so long.

Four years ago I intentionally ran my SUV into the side of my husband's brand new Suburban. Twice. So don't beat yourself up for throwing and smashing a few things around the house. we act out when we are in pain. So did Betty Broderick (hahaha)

Tina, I wish you lived near me so we could hang out and get through this terrible time. You really need support and friends to keep you grounded and give you strength to get through this. All I can offer are my prayers and e-mail address. If you want to talk, let Xarelel know and she will give you my address.

God is watching over you even though it probably feels like He has abandoned you, too. But He has not. He is with you watching over you.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,
You are right, I feel everything that you described. The most is abandoned.

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

I am so sorry Tina. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I wish I knew something uplifting to say, but I am just completely bum-fuzzled. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

All I know is to send ((HUGS)) and prayers for you!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tina,
I will say a prayer for you. Don't have any advice.

Dawn

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Well, don't all say I told you so at once. This was a very difficult and hurtful weekend. But then like my DD said, "I guess you had to find that out for yourself."

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Oh Tina. I am so sorry you had such a hard weekend.

Plan B? Plan B?? Plan B??? Maybe you should protect yourself and distance yourself from him. It sounds to me like it is time to stop trying to figure him out and just take care of yourself for a while. Maybe he will come back and maybe he won't but you are going to be OK either way. I know that you will. I have confidence in your strength.

Prayers for healing,
MJ

Hey, Tina, sorry you are going thru this pain. My husband went thru this also. He didn't move out, but when he would leave, he would give me a prim kiss on the cheek. No intimacies because he was "in love" with the OW. I asked for his wedding ring since it would no longer have any validity. He was hurt. I asked why he would want to keep on to a momento to a failed marriage? He said it was important to him. I told him I wasn't going to keep mine. I was going to sell it for the gold. I would need the money. He was hurt, esp when I said I wouldn't need a momento of a failed marriage. I would have the kids and he wouldn't.
Has he discussed money with YOU? We had been married 18 years when we went thru this. I told him, marrieage was about love, but divorce was about money. What state are you in? What are you entitled to after a 28 year marriage? Find out and meet him and lay it out for him. Depending on the state, you could ruin him financially. Not that you will, but he should be aware of what his "love" is going to cost him.Go ahead and see a lawyer and get a separation agreement drawn up and go "big". What you ask for now is what you should get if you get to divorce. This also stops him from raiding your bank accts etc. if he is so inclined.
It sounds to me, that this point you need to protect yourself and your future. He is in the fog.
Others have encouraged a plan B, for what it's worth so would I. Have you read Divorce Busting by Weiner? That helped me. Our marriage counselor recommended it.
If you have a good friend or if your SIL or MIL will go with you, go to your son's meets. If you have a car you can trust and cell phone, don't stay at home. You are going to have to become independent one way or the other. I have a sil who drove to TX from PA by herself. Then she drove from TX to WY by herself, following that up with a drive from WY to PA. She is in her mid-50's. You can do this. If he leaves you will HAVE to do these things. By doing these things for yourself you also show him another side of yourself, a strong side. You can be independent without losing your love for him.
Do you love yourself? If you love yourself and your son, you will learn to become an independent woman. You will be amazed what you can do. Good luck. Don't give up. You are stronger than you think.

Texasgirl