Hello everyone

I had the first family gathering on Sunday it was at my brothers house and I found it very hard to look at the 1 1/2 year olds running around being so cute . You see that's how old the oc is and I couldn't get the demons out of my head. I handled it pretty well by just keeping busy but once we left we weren't even around the block and I just cried my heart out. The pain sometimes is so hard to bare! H felt so bad and kept saying what have I done to you. He has been very supportive thru out this he!!. I just want the pain to go away but I know that is not going to happen overnight. Sometimes I wish I didn't know how crazy is that statement. Innocents is bliss. I find myself jealous of other couples and just want to be happy again. I'm still on meds and seeing IC and doing all the right things. I guess I just want a magic wand and make everything alright. Silly huh? Just had to write. Thanks for all your support.

I see your d-day was only a few weeks ago.Your feelings are totally normal, normal, normal. I think for me, the A and OC are just about the worst thing I have had to confront, and that includes deaths of family members. I too hate it when I see a child the same age as OC, and it has been 2 years for me. It does get better, it does get easier, but the pain will always be there to some degree. Too many triggers around to not be stirred up some days.
Hang in there, we are all here for you.

Dear LJ ans UW

What has happened to us, Ladies, isn't "just about" the worst possible thihng that could happen to a marriage...it IS the worst possible thing. Nothing compares.

This is the four year anniversary of when my husband met the OW and for the next three months, it's is going to be a little tough on me, already is, but it isn't bad as it was last year and it isn't as bad as it was the year before, so with each passing year, the pain lessens.

It's only been this past year I can stand to look at a baby without looking away or feel my eyes and nose stinging with tears. I fight not NOT revisit the affair and the betrayal and all the subsequent issues/fallout we have had to face and address because of what they did, but it is impossible sometimes.

I just absorb it all and take it. I may even still grieve about it and I still deal daily with my resentments and jealousies. But, I only allow myself a few hours to wallow and then I will completely forget about all of it for longer and longer periods of time. In fact, if it were not this particular time of year, I would probably be doing very well.

In all fairness, I should mention that our recovery has been very difficult, as they all are to some degree, but my husband's illness compounded the problems.

I hate thinking of you feeling like that and having to endure putting on a brave smile when you wanted to scream yet saved it for the car on the way home. I know first hand how you felt and what you are going through. I wish I could tell you it will be OK in two weeks but the truth is that nothing will feel better until you know in your heart that your recovery is on track and your husband has recommitted himself to you and to the marriage. If your husband is remorseful (and it sounds as if he is) then his attitude will speed up the healing process. So much depends on him and his actions until you become stronger and have gone through the grieving stages.

It takes a long time to get over the trauma and shock of this horrific thing happening to you, and his compassion and understanding and recommitment are key ingredients.

You're in my prayers and thoughts. Stay strong and trust in God.

Love

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I just want a magic wand and make everything alright. Silly huh? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope...not silly at all...I think we all wish in some way or form or fashion that we could take a magic wand and "make" things disappear or alter some things...it's human nature, I guess.

In my case, my daughter, "mini-me", is two weeks younger than our OC...I can't help but think of OC when I see my daughter...I know how that pain feels when you see children close to OC's age etc.

It sounds like a cliche and trite and all, but it does actually get better with time. We (Mr."T" and I) are almost 19 months into our recovery. We have our good and bad days, but we are better off now than we were a year ago...I never would have believed it.

Continue to go to your IC and follow your Doc's on the meds. You will make it through and we are here to listen and support...vent if you wish...

I hope tomorrow is better than today for you...
Hugs,
Twiisty

I'm sorry for your pain. I think you are still new to the OC information, yes?? It takes a long time to process this kind of grief, yes grief. Be very kind to yourself, gentle, like you would treat a friend who has lost a child or spouse. It takes time to heal, and you'll never be quite the same, but you will someday resolve this as best you can. You're feelings are fragile now.

One of my own children is the same age and gender as OC. There have been days when that is a heartache or other kids remind me of OC. But all of the above things I wrote are what's important. If you keep working through this, you'll come out the other side eventually. Let your H help; it's great that he is sorry for the pain he's caused you.

I hope you find lots of support in your life and here at MB.

Prayers,
J

LJ,
I also understand your feelings. I too went through the stage of resenting babies, and toddlers. And I volunteer in a childrens museum, that was very difficult for the first months after D-day.
What is very difficult is that the youngest OC looks very similar to one of H and my children, when they were the same age. At first i thought that might make it easier, but I was wrong. Looking very much like our children, yet there is none of my genes, only H and OW.

Please keep posting, it helps. There are so many wonderful supportive people on this forum. They have been my lifeline through out my past 19 months. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

Tina

Dear LJ,

Write a checkmark down for me in the column under "couldn't stand to be around kids." I cringe about some of the truly evil, evil things I said about OC. We always say that no one holds it against the OC but I know that I did, at least for the first few weeks. If I were her mother and I knew what I (MJ) had said, I would never let me near Precious.

I hope this doesn't sound patronizing but you are so new to this. I remember when this was all so raw for me, over two years ago. I don't know why but I found comfort in others' assurances that time will ease this pain. Normally I think that that is a rather trite thing to say, but in this case, I believed it to be true. Maybe because this was my third major trauma in 6 years and I had learned from the experience that the pain would ease over a year or so--in or out of my marriage.

Just keep working your program. See your counselor, go to marriage counseling (or better yet work with the Harleys by phone), take your meds, get some exercise, cut back on committments, pamper yourself. (I bought jewlery and took up getting my nails done. I also told Mr. J if he did something as stupid and trite as buy me jewlery I would kill him. OK, four or five months into it I started taking him to the jewlery store and telling him what he could (must) buy me. :-)

I don't expect you to be counting your blessings now but you do have a couple of things on your side. One, your H is contrite and working to keep you in the marriage and two, the affair was brief. With those things on your side, all the support you have lined up and us here, I think you are going to be OK. I will pray that you are.

MJ

Thank you all for the kind words if I didn't have MB to go to I would really be alone. I hear everything that is being said to me and you are very wise and dear to my heart. What a club to belong to! I know your right in saying I do have a commited H and he loves me very much and the A was very short and I am not dealing with the OW but dealing with OC is overwhelming at times. I have always been a caring and loving person hate violence but the thought I have had scare me. Listening to you all at least I know it's normal (what ever normal is) Again thanks for all of your prays, love and knowledge it has helped me through this he!!