Maybe I'm not getting this.
My H and I was separated, even though H was the one who separated from me I didn't want to separate.

I'm being told H did nothing wrong when H had all those affairs while we were separated if this is true why am I not feeling this.

Why do I feel I was betrayed as a wife?
H tells me, you act like we were still together
well hell we were still having sex.

Is my situation being minumized here? Or am I over reacting to something I have no business reacting to because we were separated.

I'm begining to feel H was in his right to have as many A. he wanted to have.

He is crazy. Separated is still married. That means no sex with others. He is defending his actions

Those were affairs he had. NOthing else.

Dear MALC

Being with other people is not OK until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. And even after divorce, your ex-spouse having sex with someone else is painful.

Just because your husband says HE is this or that doesn't make it so or OK for you. Since he is calling all the shots and dictating to you how it is and how it is going to be, and you are a willing accomplice to his whims and not making a stand, this will continue. Why should it change? He has you to have sex with, knowing you want him, and he gets to be and do whatever with whomever, because he knows you will complain a little about it and then just accept it.

This cannot be good for your esteem, MALC. How long are you going to allow this heartwrenching situation? Since he is unwilling to get with the program and begin working on the marriage, you have to make a decision and a stand on how you want to see the rest of your life played out. This has gone on for far, far too long and it is breaking your heart and killing your spirit and nothing is worth that.

His affairs are wrong if you two are still legally married, separated or not. And even though it is wrong and he knows it hurts you but continues anyway is a pretty strong indication that he doesn't plan on changing his behavior.

You are a betrayed wife, MALC, but your husband is cruel and manipulative and you take it from him. He is brain washing you and trying to make you think his philandering is OK as long as you are separated.

Why hasn't he filed for divorce if he wants to play without consequences? Why are you not in Plan B?

MALC, I know you are confused and deeply, deeply hurt and perhaps you hang on because you can't stand the rejection from him and keep hoping he will suddenly come to his senses and want to make things right. But you know the longer this continues, the less likely things are going to change. This has been going on for years and I worry that you are holding out for all the wrong reasons.

You have to get to the point where you ask yourself what it is you are getting out of this dead end situation and why you are compelled to hang on and settle for scraps. You deserve to have someone love you and be faithful and loyal to you and bond with you and share your life with you. You've been married all these years and alone for most of it and it isn't fair to you.

I feel so bad for you, MALC. Please go into Plan B for your own sake. This is such an unhealthy situation for you.

You are in my prayers...God bless and comfort and protect you.

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Hi MALC,

I have a question:

Did your H try to lie about the A's, or try to keep his A's a secret from you?

If so, WHY? I mean, if he thinks it was alright to have affairs simply because you are separated, then why would he try to lie?

Don't let him snow you or make you feel crazy, MALC. He is in the wrong, honey.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Thank you All

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.
I don't always have excess to PC.

Unhappywife I beleive strongly that H is being told this by family members because there is a whole lot of adultry in his family. Infact if H really thought that was true he wouldn't lie or hide it. Thanks for advice and being concern.

Catnip You know I respect your honesty I really do. Catnip I also have to look at me also. I do alot of LB. I have to look at my part in all this no I don't deserve to be cheated on lied to and etc.

I want to know, I did every thing in my power to save my marriage. I feel I haven't
I want to try these principals, through this if there is no change, then and only then will I try for divorce. My problem is I've been in Plan A 3MOS. H told me something I didn't like I LB by telling him I didn't want to talk to him.
I should have talk the situation out because there was an improvement greatdeal until that setback I, LB ANGRY OUTBURST I did that I'm responsible for the setback. So I'm wondering
do I continue with Plan A or Go into plan B.Your advice is much needed. we may not agree how I'm dealing with this I just need to try these pricipals please bear with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Resilence Thank you so much. Yes H hid the A and Lied. H tells me there is no one. The Separation question, I wanted to ask long ago this came up for H and I a while back. H is surrounded by the effects of adulltry. The brother he lives with is from H father having an A on my H mother who he was married at the time. So I'm quite sure he's not really getting any support in the area of marriage. Also My H brother who is the child of an A, lives with his mother my H stays there to.
So you know the mother is not giving my H no support she was having an A with my H father while he was married to someonelse that resulted in the brother my H has. You understand what I'm saying so I'm the only one trying to save this marriage. I'm alone fighting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MALC:
[QB]Catnip I also have to look at me also. I do alot of LB. I have to look at my part in all this no I don't deserve to be cheated on lied to and etc.

=^^= Go ahead and look at yourself. You say you do a lot of LB'ing and have to look at your part in all this and I am seeing you defending your husband, making excuses for his behavior and enabling all this pain to continue for yourself.

I want to know, I did every thing in my power to save my marriage. I feel I haven't
I want to try these principals, through this if there is no change, then and only then will I try for divorce. My problem is I've been in Plan A 3MOS. H told me something I didn't like I LB by telling him I didn't want to talk to him.

=^^= You were NOT LB'ing when you told your husband you didn't want to talk to him. THAT is NOT a disresepctful judgment or an outburst. If he is playing with your head and manipulating you into thinking that anything you do or say that he does not agree with is a LB, then you are needlessly walking on eggshells.

I should have talk the situation out because there was an improvement greatdeal until that setback I, LB ANGRY OUTBURST I did that I'm responsible for the setback. So I'm wondering
do I continue with Plan A or Go into plan B.Your advice is much needed. we may not agree how I'm dealing with this I just need to try these pricipals please bear with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

=^^= Please write in a way I can understand what you are asking. This last paragraph of yours confuses me.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Catnip
Thank you, for your advice.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">=^^= Go ahead and look at yourself. You say you do a lot of LB'ing and have to look at your part in all this and I am seeing you defending your husband, making excuses for his behavior and enabling all this pain to continue for yourself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I don't feel I'm enabling H. after all we were getting along very well until, I allowed emotional instinct to get in the way of how far we had come in communications. H was begining to open up to me sharing things about his life he wouldn't have shared before.

My H made a statement (after how far we come, you get upset because of something I said then you tell me you don't want to talk to me after we came this far).
Even though he had the A after he left the house
but does that not say he's not entitled to be angry with me .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">=^^= You were NOT LB'ing when you told your husband you didn't want to talk to him. THAT is NOT a disresepctful judgment or an outburst. If he is playing with your head and manipulating you into thinking that anything you do or say that he does not agree with is a LB, then you are needlessly walking on eggshells

From what I'm reading in SAA I allowed my emotional instinct to make a selfish demand that's a big LB from what I'm reading.
I couldn't have my way, instead of finding another solution. I made a selfish demand not considering his feelings.

OK reading the book it said don't discuss the past
no tick for tack. If I'm about saving my marriage why would I still hold over his head the affairs that's a big LB.Even if I wanted to what will I get from doing this more problems.

Look my H and had no communication for 2yrs there is a pattern here. My H always trys to find his way back, I bring up all the things that happened in the past here comes my loud outburst and etc.
we are back to no contact.

My H shows me how apologetic he is, by just coming communicating some people quilt is to great to talk about it until they feel comfortable.

Catnip I'm just playing the tapes back I see were the problems come in, not excusing H but looking at me. My H doesn't know about this site so he doesn't know about LB or POJA I'm just trying something different.Thank you we may disagree but I do value your information and maybe I don't see what you see but it doesn't make you wrong neither.

[QUOTE][B]I should have talk the situation out because there was an improvement greatdeal until that setback I, LB ANGRY OUTBURST I did that I'm responsible for the setback. So I'm wondering
do I continue with Plan A or Go into plan B.Your advice is much needed. we may not agree how I'm dealing with this I just need to try these pricipals please bear with me.

=^^= Please write in a way I can understand what you are asking. This last paragraph of yours confuses me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Basicly I was saying H and I were getting along just great until I made the statement. I was doing a plan A at the time. do I continue with Plan A or go into plan B

Something else H said, I understood for the first time he has trust issues big time. he told me (everything can be going along fine then all of a sudden something happends he didn't expect that from me.

They may screw up but seem to think we are not capable of screwing up like we are this perfect person.

Thank you again