Hey all I don't post much, I figure you all are tired of my whining on the same issues, but do check in every day.
I thought maybe you all could help me on this one so here goes...

I only have a minute. I am exhausted, it is almost 5 am, and I wanted to post earlier tonite, but fell asleep. I am going to try to get back to sleep after this.
I was wondering, should I bring this up with my H or not. I ask this because I feel caught sometimes. I want to tell him what is on my mind, but I think he gets tired of hearing about things that have to do with the affair, seems like it it is always on my mind, and if I told him everytime...well...you know... BUT he also wants me to talk to him, hates when I assume what he is thinking and how he will react(as I always complained on how he USED to do this for me) and wants to help. BUT I don't want him to think I am wallowing in all this, and feel like I am still back at square one, which I feel he may feel that way (there I go again, thinking for him) but maybe that is b/c I think I am when I get this way or am afraid to work thur it...
Anyway, here is the situation. We got some of those picture stands, you know the wrought iron ones that stand on the floor on both sides of the fireplace? And we are having people over after trick ot treating and he asked me to fill them. I was very excited to go thru the old pictures of the kids and pick some out. I figured I would get old ones of when they were babies.
Two things got stirred up.
First off, and this really isn't the main issue, but it made me realize how much I want that next baby and yes we are still on a standstill on that one. I have been seeing alot of pregnant people who have more that 3 kids, and have met three people this past week that have husbands who are asking for the fourth baby,. I had promised to not bring this issue up until Jan, as that is when we will be reevaluating the decision.(And I am really trying to do that)
BUT, here is what it really stirred up...I am looking thru the olds ones and alot of the ones that I had in mind to put in the frames are from right before the affair and right after. I have some great garden shots, and wanted o keep that theme. I also am trying to fill some from the shore for some frames for my beach room. I have shots of the girls and I and a castle we made, and it was taken the day before d-day. There was also a picture from the New Years after he ended it, before I found out, that we were all sick with horrible colds and since we couldn't go anywhere we had a family New years, cooked a chicken, made soup, and played games all day with the girls. There is a shot of him dressed up with the jewelery from "Pretty Pretty Princess" game, and I remember feeling so warm inside b/c of what we had in our marriage and as a family. There are shots of christmas that year, Thanksgiving, all before I found out...and so on. I began to think and cry about how all of it felt so shattered, and like it was all a lie (a stronger word than I would like to use to describe this but can't find a better one right now), b/c of what he was hiding. How did he act so normal, smiling in all those pictures and just go on with life...especially the ones after christmas when he had found out about the baby...It just feels so tainted now...and I can't shake it.
I am afraid if I tell him this he will not understand that it may be a normal reaction, or am I being too sensitive? Usually if I talk things out with him, I feel better and get closure. But I don't know. I am also afraid of him thinking that I am never going to get past this...and therefore our talk in Jan will be done in his mind now...but I need him and his help and his hugs. I need him to hold me and to help me get thru these feelings of abandonment...
Has anyone had a similar experience like this, with the old pictures? How did you handle it? (Take out the baby issue from the equation. It may be a part, but a small part) I think the best way to describe the real issue is in how it all feels so tainted, and I feel so abandoned, like life at that point was not what I thought it was, warm and getting better. I really felt at that point that we were beginning to get past our problems.

Thanks for reading I am going back to sleep now.

NGU

What if you wrote down your feelings and shared with him that way? What if you just let HIM fill the frames with whatever he thinks is appropriate because the pictures are triggering way too many emotions and memories from his A... Nothing wrong with saying that, IMO??? Let HIM deal with it from there... You can just wash your hands of the task...

I hope your H has a change of heart re: the new baby. Every baby deserves two loving parents who are fully committed from the start... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{NGU}}}}} I am sorry you are having so many triggers.

This idea that a big chunk of your life is tainted is a tough one. It is also one that I have chosen not to share with my H. I don't think the WS ever gets (or can possibly get) what the BS feels about the time during the affair. I feel like 7 years of my life were spent in a huge fantastic lie.

At my best moments I am able to separate them out a bit and realize that when he and I were having good times that I am pretty sure he was totally in the moment and not thinking about exOW. He says (and I believe him although I don't understand) that he was relieved to be away from her and that every time he came home after being with her he put her out of his mind. I don't understand the dichotomy or how anyone can do that with his or her mind but I will take it on faith. So, I sort of get to the point where those memories aren't tainted, at least I think I do.

I wouldn't bring it up but if I did I think I would soften it a lot. "Look honey here is a picture of us on the beach. We look so happy and now I look at it and feel sad. I feel sad because I realize what was going on and that I didn't know it. I feel sad because I feel duped. I feel sad because I wonder if you were really there with me and the kids or if your mind and heart were somewhere else.

It does come down eventually to the fact that the exWS cannot undo what they have done. The questions we have to answer are can we live with that? Is what is left and what can be rebuilt worth it?

If our former WSs have kicked the exOW out of their hearts and minds it is time for us to take our lives back and do the same (or end the marriage and the misery).

Blessings,
MJ

MJ

I have lots of photos like that you descibe. Ones where I see my H and kids happy, away, on trips, and then realize- that was when the OW was pregnant, that was when he was having sex with her, that is when the OC was born. It has ruined many a moment for me.

I think men in general compartementalize their feelings, and women don't. I think my H truly thought we were happy then,and his life with OW was another life, not his real life as he told me shortly after d day. His real life has been the one with me.

Fact is, the OW got a false sense of who my H is and was--the worst part of him.All his frailties and evil and sin and ugliness. The A he had with her was not completely happy, but wracked with guilt and a man tormented by an addiction. NOt totally happy for him.

I try to keep this in mind when I see those photos, but yes, have shared that with him. I have told him it has ruined many a time in my memory because those times were filled with lies.

the question is--with those memories, can we go on? I often , and currently, think not.

NGU,

you see many of us feel same as you @pictures. Our family and XOW's family knew each other for several years, lots of shared photos. I put away my family albums and videos of those years for 3 years. Even after I put them back on the shelves, I rarely get them out, because they are bitter memories for me, and they don't do much for H either. He doesn't like remembering his betrayal or the anger and depression that drove him to it. But I agree women have more emotional triggers from them than men.

I only keep the albums because they shows several years of my children's lives that I don't want to throw away. Why let XOW take away part of their childhood?

Do whatever you need to do and let your H help you throught it. I hope he is remorseful and shows he loves you now. Try not to let fertility come between you either (I'll leave that for another time).

Prayers,
J

NGU,

I am the same way, luckily for me though, we had no kids when the affair happened, were only recently married and having lots of problems so we don't have lots of pics during that time. I find myself trying to figure out dates on pics to see if it was when they had their brief PA, and then ask myself why I am doing that? It only hurts me.

I think you should be honest with your H about feelings. Especially since he seems to be open to it. My H's opinion is that I can ask questions anytime, or comment etc. I don't very often, but I like knowing I can. To me, it only reaffirms my belief that he is sincere in his regret about having the affair, etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide/decided. I am already working on convincing H to have another baby, not soon, but I need to work it slowly since he really only wants one child and I want four!!!

happy_girl

There is a lot of power in the printed word. Write your husband a letter pouring out all your feelings about this situation. It isn't necessary to actually give him the letter, but you can if you want to and you think it is LB-free.

Catnip =^^=