We attempted counseling. The cost was $30 per week. We actually could use more than one hour per week. But I thought it was really cool that hubby would continue going even after the nasty stuff came out. You gotta go through it so that the counselor will know where you're coming from. There is so much though. And our first four trips were all just explaining how hubby did this and that. I was impressed that he would keep coming to the hubby-bashing since he doesn't think we have a problem. We finally got it all out, and mc thinks we have a trust-issue. duh. we have other issues too, but yeah that's a biggie. mc hasn't given us any homework or thoughts on how to work on the trust issue yet. And now we can't go anymore. We haven't been in a few weeks because of money.

Our finances are so bad that we are using a credit card to make it. I hate that. I work full-time at a job I'm not crazy about but has good benefits. Hubby is in school full-time (18 credits) plus does practicals on off days. He is supposed to accept an evening (4p -1a) job today. He is also a weekend warrior (and I'm praying he doesn't get activated.) Our total income will be $2100 with the new job. Next week daycare goes up and our expenses will be $2685. We have sold all our video tapes and extra microwave, etc. We haven't budgeted anything for food or personal items. I figure we can eat ramen noodles for awhile. We can't even eat at grandma's cause nobody wants to be involved in our situation.

Hubby escapes by taking time for himself with "friends". They are always girls. And sometimes I lb all over the place and tell him what I think about that. He is just amazed that I think he shouldn't call or accept calls from people he's met. I tell him that I don't think he's sleeping with them (just a feeling), but I feel it hinders our relationship when he has more than just a cordial hello with females even if no one is flirting. I understand that he may speak to them sometimes in business transactions, getting fuel or studying in school, etc but I don't think it should go beyond that. Last night when we went begging for candy with the kids, hubby introduced me to woman after woman that he just happened to know in our neighborhood. When I asked how he knew them, he just said what's wrong with knowing your neighbors. Anyway, this is very hurtful to me. And he just doesn't get it. He disagrees- heartily. It is his nature to be friendly and flirty. But I also think this is his stress relief. It's like a little two minute vacation where he can smile and laugh and escape from the reality of home. But now if I go out of my way to show him a fun exciting time at home, he turns me down.

Right after dday, hubby was sorry. He made effort to show he wanted to stay home. Then almost immediately we attempted to get those oc out of a bad situation. We have never had that healing us time. I am extremely resentful of all that's going on in our life. I feel like he has gotten us into mess after mess and I suffer. We concentrate on his career. We concentrate on his affairs, his "friends", his school. His job takes time away from us. His ideas for time keep us from doing what I want like time together and time with God together. His spending and daycare cause us to be in the hole. And yes, his kids are the reason I will not allow us to have more of our own. I am really hurting. And have no idea as to what to do. If I tell him how I feel, he says I'll fix it. But he's all talk, things never get better. He is unwilling to read or plan with me. He doesn't show much affection. He has started helping me with the house and kid work. Hubby thinks the problem is that I hate the kids. That's not it. I hate the situation of how they came about. But there is so much more to it than that.

The kids, btw, are doing well. They are frustrating and loving, whiney and fun. They are just kids. And thankfully still no contact from ow!!

Hello Amiee,

I know what you mean when it comes to finances.
Ours are strained here as well. Ever since losing my job, things here are VERY tight.

Behind on car payment, late on utilites, scrimping pennies together to get diapers, milk and such... becoming a daily thing here.

AND about the "friendly nature" of your H... my H is the SAME way... always pointing out women and saying "Oh, she works at W" & "Didn't I introduce her to you, I am sure I did."
I get so sick and tired of hearing these things.
I know he loves me, I know we are united in our recovery, but he just doesn't understand why its so hard for me when he does this.

Wanna hear my biggest frustration right now???
Martha Stewart... Yeah.. that's right... the HOUSEWIFE QUEEN that isn't even a Housewife!!!
H watches her show every morning at 4am at work.
He is CONSTANTLY telling me "On Martha Stewart today.... " UGH!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I am so sick of Martha Stewart!
Is there NOTHING that woman can't do????

Keep your eye on things that are important:
the health and well being of the kids, you, H & your marriage.
Keep working on not LBing... I am still doing a LOT of work on that myself.

And keep praying. There is hope...

Hugs!

"Is there one think that woman can't do"?

Yeah,
1. stay married
2. tell the truth
3. live off of ramen noodles for a month
4. any others????

Hang in there both of you. The best is yet to come!
Here is a link to my church website. My pastor just preached on Sunday about things going from bad to worse.
Navigate to the sermon dated 10-27 and take a listen:
www.upbc.org

Luv,
MM

Sorry,
they haven't posted from Sunday yet. Keep checking.

aimee,

You're in a bad spot. I'm sorry to hear you can't continue counseling, but your mc doesn't sound very helpful either. DH and I got a lot out of the Harley principles and the book After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring (see the library for free!). Will your DH TRY that stuff??! His insensitivity to you re: female "friends" is insufferable--UGH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And spending unnecessarily?! I'm mad on your behalf! Things can't get better if he won't put your marriage and family first!! Would it be worth it to you to call the Harley's once for advice on your situation?

Re: finances, obviously we don't know your whole situation, but one consideration is whether one of you can stay home with the kiddos. It elinimates the cost of daycare and other things people sometimes don't think of: some gas, meals out that might otherwise happen at home, clothes for work maybe, and the kids can benefit from one-on-two time.

On the other hand, if you fear your marriage is in truly bad shape, you may not want to risk giving up a job you might need. Do you think it's time for a Plan B?

So Sorry for your pain.
Prayers,
J

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>