Hi. I'm brand new to your forum and not sure how this works, but I'm desparate for help. I'm 34. In August, my husband - 9 years - was discovered having affair with a woman he had met 3 weeks earlier (her husband discovered them). We had a tough previous year (moved, new jobs, 2 year old son, etc.) but otherwise a happy marriage (no other infidelity). Husband said he would "break up" with her but continued contacting. After a month he moved out to "find himself" and continued having the affair. I don't think he's ready to leave me completely - says things like "I'm sorry I can't be there for you right now." Sort of like he's taking "a break" or waiting to see what OW is going to do. I think they have a very strong emothional tie. I'm pregnant - due in January. I just recently started Plan B but it's difficult due to child care for our 2 year old. My husband is insisting on 50% split time - he is also now spending time with my son and his girlfriend together which is tearing me apart. What do I do? Please help.

Williamsburg

I am so sorry you are going through this in your condition. Being pregnant is difficult enough without having to deal with the rejection and abandonment of an affair.

First of all, YOU must set boundaries. It is NOT OK for your husband to pick up his son and drag him over to OW's and have your son be in her presence 50% of the time. It is OK for you to insist that your son is not around OW because for one thing, OW's are often nothing more than a temporary fixture in a wayward husband's life and it is not healthy for your son to be around someone that is not his Mom and is not going to be here a month from now, a year from now or whenever. Your son does not and should not have to bond with your husband's 'flavor of the month'.

If your husband is rotten enough to betray you while you are pregnant and abandon you, the LEAST he can do is not to cause you more heartache and grief and more sadness by threatening you further with worrying about some floozy usurping your position as your son's mother.

I am so glad you are in Plan B. It will eventually strenghten you and you will be able to begin the healing process. Right now you ahve the power to insist on certian things and refuse to allow your husband to call the shots on this one. Get an attorney to file the necessary papers to prevent him from draggin your little boy over to the OW's place or set a restraining order against her from being anywhere near your son during your husband's visits with him. If it pisses your husband off and causes more problems because you are sticking up for yourself and your son, then too bad. Once he has lost contact with you and your son, perhaps the OW's "luster" will diminish because the price is too high to hang with her. Just my opinion. I realize it is easy for me to sit here and tell you how I would do it, because when it gets right down to it, you will do whatever it is you are comfortable with and weigh the risks and go from there.

Regardless, what your husband is doing is wrong and hateful. It's one thing to abandon you when you need him the most and break your heart with infidelity, but to drag your kid to a place where the OW will be is evil and selfish and destructive and rotten beyond words.

Discuss this with an attorney and see what you options are. There must be safeguards you can incorporate to protect your son from having to be in the presence of a woman of low moral standards.

Good luck and God bless.

Catnip =^^=

I second what Catnip says. You need to see a lawyer, and you should also discuss this with your OB. I was pregnant while my H was breaking things off with his OW. It created stress for me and I finally had to tell him he had to decide what he was doing because his straddling the fence threatened HIS unborn son. He distanced himself from the OW and was with me during the birth of our son and the weeks and mos that followed.
If he is living with the OW, you may be able to curtail his visits unless they exclude the OW.

Your son should not be around the OW, the former OW here will probably blast me but...

My feeling is a woman and man involved in an illicit relationship are not good role models for the children involved. What message is being sent to the child?

The most important consideration is your pregnancy and getting to term. You need to get thru this time and deliver a healthy baby keep that thought uppermost in your mind. Remind him of that.
I wonder if there would be possible case for litigation here? Anybody?
I wonder if one could sue the other worman because her involvment with a married man threatened the health and welfare of the expectant mother and/her child?
What do you think Cat, CD, everyone else?

Just wondering, TG