I hope you can clarify an issue that has stumped both my WW and me.

If you had passionate love and sexy feelings towards your husband before your A, how long if ever did you get them back after NC was decided?

Is there anything the husband could've done during this time period to help you recover this type of love faster and deeper?

Is there any WW's out there that would be willing to field questions from a WW currently in the fog but willing to start coming out? Kind of like a mentor or "big sister"..... a tour guide of sorts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I think someone who has been there could give her an unmeasurable amount of wisdom regarding this situation, and she would respect the guidance received much more than from a family member or friend who hasn't been there. She could also rely on their support in between counseling sessions with Steve Harley. Like a 2 pronged support system.

If anyone would be willing to help a fellow sister out, please reply in kind. I will give her any and all replies.

Thank You all for your support
Thank you in advance for answering my questions
and a special thank you to anyone willing to help

peace
tim

Well, I'm not the female perspective that you were hopinig for, hubby---but I will give you my evaluation of this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there anything the husband could've done during this time period to help you recover this type of love faster and deeper?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Avoid lovebusters. Listen. Empathize even though it may be uncomfortable. Profess hope for the future while not minimizing how hard withdrawal is for your spouse. Spend quality time together. Meet the needs your spouse will allow you to meet. Put your needs on the back shelf for a while.

My wife did a bit of mentoring/conversing with a couple people on the board a couple years ago, but she found it too emotionally draining to continue, so I can't help you there. I am very glad that you're working with Steve, however...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks K

I am happy with Steve's counsil also. He gives direction, but doesn't push. He is able to assimilate the "specifics" of a relationship quickly and filter all of the ideas of each spouse into 1 plan that both spouses agree on. Which is a mirracle in and of itself considering the type's of relationships he deals with. Mine could be the first 'act' on a Jerry Springer episode and yet he has quickly sized it up and channeled us into a mutually accepted path <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .Idunno how he did it, but I really shouldn't care cuz it is working and I should focus on my part of the plan huh instead of thinking about the mechanics of it. I respect him emensely after only 2 sessions.

Thanks again for all your solid advice K. I took what i thought would help and left the rest. You have been a true shelter in a storm of emotions. For that, I thank you.

I hope she finds a 'mentor' that she feels comfortable sharing her deep dark secrets with. Steve told us not to speak of om period. A moritorium(sp?) is applicable to our situation. We have both agreed that he is right and that would be best for both of us. That worries me because she was using me as a sounding board for the inevitable internal struggles she is having regarding many aspects of her relationship with OM and me. I know she needs an outlet for those thoughts, if they fester she will either go stir crazy or, God forbid, act out on them by seeing him. I pray that she will not only find a good Christian mentor, but will feel comfortable enough with her to completely expose her most inner thoughts, feelings, and concerns of OM and me.

Please pray if you feel so inclined for God's protection and guidance for this marriage.

peace
tim

hubby i have no answers to any of your questions, but i somewhat read your story and found that you have/are going through exactly what i am and i havent found anyone else in this situation. i found out at the end of september my W had PA with OM and beginning of october we found out she was pregnant w/ OM's child. im not sure if W and OM are still seeing each other but have a pretty good feeling they are. They're A started out as EA about 7 mos ago and after it came out into the open it became PA. i've had a pretty rough time dealing with it and trying my damnest to not do LB's. I was just hoping you could give me any advice from your experience so far as what to and not to do. thanks rothals

hubby i have no answers to any of your questions, but i somewhat read your story and found that you have/are going through exactly what i am and i havent found anyone else in this situation. i found out at the end of september my W had PA with OM and beginning of october we found out she was pregnant w/ OM's child. im not sure if W and OM are still seeing each other but have a pretty good feeling they are. They're A started out as EA about 7 mos ago and after it came out into the open it became PA. i've had a pretty rough time dealing with it and trying my damnest to not do LB's. I was just hoping you could give me any advice from your experience so far as what to and not to do. thanks rothals my story is under infedality-just found out if you care to read the entire thing

hbby
If you had passionate love and sexy feelings towards your husband before your A, how long if ever did you get them back after NC was decided?

I think if you just work a really good plan A things will improve. Trying to communicate and understand that your wife might have a hard time at first is part of that. I see know reason you and your wife can not get back to the point you want to, and maybe have a even better relationship than before.

I dont know how long your wife was with om, but chances are if it was not that long, a few months of no contact will change how she sees and feels about om.

You love your wife or you would not try. I am sure she knows that. Thats the first step. and I think counseling is going to be the most help.
good luck.

rothals,

i am certainly NOT the poster child for the MB process, but at least i know exactly where you are and what you are feeling right now. i have to tell you that my heart screams out to God for you and all the others who are destroyed inside over this. society considers this ok. few laws if any are on the books concerning adultry in most states and that paints a very clear picture as to why it is rampant in America.

in most cases it is worse than the death of a spouse because you are alone, and REJECTED(big word in my healing process), while WS has someone there for them.... OUCH!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . the word unfair is a gross understatement.... haneous is closest i have found.

when i heard the whole story on D-day, i was a wreck for 2 weeks. i knew better than to make any decisions during that time. i retreated into the Lords loving, caring, understanding and WISE arms. spending days on end reading and after 3-4 days i started talking to my support chain.

after the emotional earthquake, i got on the emotional rollercoaster. this wasn't as severe and i slowly but surely started becoming "me" again. the beat down little puppy dog finally left. i have always tried to make decisions in my life based on logic and not emotion. a tough order in the "situation" i was put in,(and put myself in).

by far and away the best "advice" i received was from the Bible. it told me to find my priorities. showed me obvious direction based on those priorities, and made it clear to me that i needed help from other Christians and books books books....

after a long 3 day "think sabatical"(no work, kids, wife, nothing but me and God) i came up with obvious priorities and the start of recovery.

priorities for me:
1. God (prayer time, and studying the Word)
2. Patty (my obligations to her as outlined in the Bible and my responsibility to her as a husband)
3. family
4. job
5. my hobbies and recreation time

the Bible gave me a choice. stay or go. i would be walking with God either way. i chose to stay. i knew right then and there that the only way i'd have a chance in reconciliation was to give everything i had and focus on the goal, not the surroundings. never forgetting the support of God and my support chain.

this list may seam obvious to most folks, but when i wrote it down after being alone with God for 3 days, i had an epiphany. these things all require me spending time and doing things. i realized after careful thought that i would lay down my life for God and Patty and some of my family. so why do i spend most of my time and personal concern with #4 and #5 on the list?.....DUHHHHHH.... cuz i was lured there by the enemy and i allowed it like an ignorant, unobservant, stubborn idiot. my pornography addiction was a HUGE time eater and it nearly(i hope it doesn't) killed my relationship with Patty and God.

i think before i do things now..... all things!!! is this top priority or should i be doing something else that will be WAYYYYY more rewarding in the long run?

there's a line in " The Shawshank Redemption" ( movie a while back with Tim Robbins & Morgan Freeman) when the old convict who was recently released was at a mental crossroads. I'll never forget it. he said, " I either gotta get busy livin' or get busy dien'" i decided on the former and have tried to spend my time doing whats best for God 1st and consequently i seem to be doing whats best for Patty, family, job, and all the rest.

we have a HUGE road to hoe if we have a chance at reconciliation, but i am sure that no matter how it works out i will be a better person and certainly without a doubt, a better Christian because of it. God, my supporting cast, books (lots of 'em) and last but certainly not least, Steve Harley's call-in Marriage counselling sessions have all steered me in the right direction, and given me the self-esteem, wisdom, sensitivity, and confidence to get there.

i wrote my wife a note in the midst of my roller coaster that was very prophetic in our situation. "I am going someplace new that God is sending me, i pray you will come with me forever." i can't force her into anything, i can only explain my boundries and my direction and hope she follows. i figure, if i(finally!!!) have Godly boundries and Godly directions, she is a fool not to follow. so, if she chooses to stay behind, it is good because i really don't want a selfish fool for a wife.

some of the books that have helped immensely:
1. all the Harley books 2. Righteous Sinners(Ron Julian) 3. When Godly People Do Ungodly Things(Beth Moore) 4. The Snare(Lois Mowday Rabey) 5. Lies Women Believe (Nancy Leigh DeMoss) 6. Loving Solutions(Gary Chapman)
and....... drum role please...... the best book i have partially read is a collection of 66 books by 40 different dudes The Holy Bible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
Psalms really helped bring me peace at first, then Proverbs and Ecclesiastes helped. but the best books were the 4 gospels and Paul's letters. They showed me where ..."I"... needed to be and what...."I"...needed to do. Not what she needs or doesn't need to do.

well now that i have written a dissertation(sp?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

There is no ONE perfect way to go. You will be much improved if you start to better yourself by asking her what you can and shouldn't do that would help to repair your love with each other. look for a "support chain"(people you love and trust that you can lean on) and listen to them. prioritize your life and follow those priorities to the letter. Realize that she may leave,but if you work out your own faults, and leave hers alone you will have the marriage you want with your future bride and she is a fool to have left you, especially the way she did it. figure out what abuse you can stand from her beforehand, and take it for the benefit of the marriage in the long run(if she speaks to him in front of you and you can't handle it w/out LB's, tell her and if she persists, take a hard look at plan B. without your sanity, you have no prayer of rebuilding a birdhouse, nevermind a marriage.)

One of the biggest helps for me other than my faith was getting on the proactive side of the situation, and staying there. Stop reacting to her, make a plan for yourself and if necessary, the kids, and try not to waiveras much as possible. Don't let her degrade you, but at the same time, make as many consessions as you can handle before going to plan B. Only go to plan B to save your sanity. DO NOT TRY TO PUNISH HER NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

that oughta be 'nuff for a start <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

peace and prayers i send to you
tim

hbby,

Just wanted to tell you "You da man". I also wanted to tell you, that you have been in my prayers nearly everyday for the past couple of weeks. I know it's not easy what you have decided to do, but I think, as you are already aware, God will bless your efforts.

Blessing on you and your family

S&C