I don't know about y'all, but I know that sometimes when you are pg, you get some funky dreams....

Lately I've been having all sorts of dreams about Mr."T" hiding things from me, having another affair with Ex-OW and even dreamed last night that he slept with my best friend!!!! (I know that had me crying in my sleep and Mr."T" woke up and held me and said, "it's only a dream...a dream...a dream....")

I resent my sleep being disturbed. I resent that my previous two pregnancies with Mr."T" was happy and blissful in my ignorance and this pregnancy has Mr."T" happy and excited and I'm tormented with these dreams. It is just never fair, is it?

For once in my life, I would like things to line up...but must accept the fact that it probably won't. I think Cmiranda said it best in her recent update </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it really hit home that no matter who we are or what road we're on, when we are hurt this deeply, the pain is engraved into our spirits. I am searching like all of us, to find out how to get past it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...it's true...it rears it's ugly head unexpectedly.

I had a good IC counseling session with our MC and she feels it's just the hormones and I have to ride it out...but I hate re-living that pain almost every night in my sleep...

I wish I could knock on ex-ow's door and tell her, "are you happy? I'm glad you are...look what you did to me and my children..." but of course, it wasn't just her...it was my butthole hubby too and he sees daily what he did to me...and he's truly sorry. I want ex-ow to feel like crap for trying to destroy our marriage and hurting my kids. But alas...that never shall be...I have to trust God for true justice...

My MC told me to look at it in terms of "I won" versus the Ex-Ow...and I looked at her and said, "and what kind of prize do I get? Tormented sleep, lack of trust, and a lifetime of having to do extra work to rebuild 16 years of intimacy that got pissed down the drain??? Not to mention 15 more years of money taken from my children's mouths????"

I can never go back to the way it was before the Three Night Stand...I can only go forward and in ways we are almost back to normal, in ways we still are the "same" as pre-A...but I resent the intrusion in my life.

I never asked for this. I didn't ask for a child that cannot ever be part of our lives, I didn't ask for some woman to think she could be just like another wife to Mr."T"...thank God she married and that part was taken care of...there is alot that I don't post about the horrors that Ex-OW has done to us. Believe me, No Contact had to be the only choice for us. I get tired of being called jerks because we chose that and have my Christianity questioned.

No one wins in infidelity. All sides are losers. Especially the two selfish losers who decided to have unprotected sex in the first place...BOTH are to blame for the heartaches of OC and BS.

I wish I never had to deal with this...my first husband cheated on me when I was pg with Curly-top (now 7) and actually had the collasal nerve to name Curly-top after his OW! I guess I sure know how to pick'em, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ah well...it's good to get this off my chest...For any of you lurkers out there who are cheating, have cheated, or plan to cheat, tread wisely and don't do it or stop what you are doing.

It causes a great deal of pain and almost two years into my recovery, I still bleed.

I will move on, I will survive and I will be the better person of this. I can hold my head up high and still claim my integrity. Mr. "T" has to work to regain his integrity. God help us all.

Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: twiisty ]</small>

Twiisty,

I'm sorry you're still having these horrible dreams and pain.

I think at least part of your answer lies in your post on forgiveness. It's very very hard to let go, but how SWEET the freedom from not thinking about it all the time.

You've got every right to be bitter about this for the rest of your life... but, how is that justice for YOU? You deserve better!!!!

I don't want to pry into your spiritual life, but it does help me when I can find time to sit in prayer and meditation with God, just listening to Jesus preach under the Tree of Life, or whatever imagery appeals to you. He is the ultimate Peacemaker, and He knows you deserve quiet time in your heart, and so does your unborn. I could not have recovered without this.

Prayers,
J

Oh Honey, I am sorry you are feeling like this right now...or ever.

It's not fair, and it is rotten and evil but your marraige is recovering and you have this brand new baby coming that marks a new beginning for you and Mr. T.

He is remorseful and you are working on forgiveness and God is watching over you. I completely understand your anger and resentment because I often feel the same way. This time of year is especially hard for me as it is for you. It's four years and I don't even buy milk dated anywhere near November 25 through the 30th just so I don't have to look at the date of conception. How about that for neurotic?

We all stand here in continued disbelief that this is what has happened to our marriage and opened a Pandora's box of trust issues, bad dreams and emotional torment and financial hardship because of supreme selfishness....I know. Wanting the OW to acknowledge and feel remorse is something we all long for, something that rarely, if ever, happens. We must find that our spouse's remorse is enough and be grateful for it because there are those who never even get that.

With your hormones all over the place and the hardships you are enduring, things that you probably have let go of have suddenly returned making an unwelcomed appearance in your life. Do what Jenny suggested and stay close to God, sit quietly whenever you can and listen with your heart to His comforting words.

You are in my prayers.

Love,

Catnip =^^=

Thanks y'all for your responses...really, this is a great place to vent...

I rather get it off here in a post than LB my hubby all over the place.

We are finally eligible for W.I.C. and I can get milk, cheese, eggs and beans and cereal for myself, "mini-me" and "bubba". If I choose to bottlefeed 'baby bean' then I get formula also.

I'm also talking with an attorney to go after my ex-hubby...according to the formula the state has, he is legally obligated to pay $700 a month plus 76% medical. All he's paying now is $200 a month for two kids and practically no medical. He's been a butt about that.

Dinobon's bi-polar meds cost us $230 a month plus not to mention the extra EEGS and etc. that Ex-H's insurance doesn't cover.

What I hate most about this is I'm "smack dab in the middle" (like that stupid commercial for the cookies in the bus...arrrrgh!!!) I get screwed in what we owe Ex-Ow and I get screwed in my Ex not paying what I need. It sucks.

Anyways...I'm getting there and had to type that Thread on forgiveness to remind ME..that I need to move on...it's hard...and the pain is real.

Thanks again for caring,
Hugs,
Twiisty

Twiisty

I'm so glad you are getting some assistance. I would think that would make the courts sit up and take notice of your situation and adjust the amount you have to send for support. Most of all, I am delighted you are going after your X-husband for support for those kids. It could end up to be a wash for you and end up with a normal financial situation like normal people!

Even if it just cancels out the other, it would be so worth the effort to get the amount adjusted accordingly to something fair and reasonable. Isn't that all that we all want anyway?

God bless, Twiisty...

Love

Catnip =^^=

WOW, what your ex pays doesn't even cover the medication for one of his two children. I do so hope your finances improve.

T, the pain IS real, but so are the hopes for the future!!

May you have sweet dreams,
J