To all those of us who have been OW and OM, my question is, "Why?" There are SOOOO many posts about affairs - PAs and EAs - some have resulted in children, divorces, simultaneous relationships, remarriages, more divorces and gosh knows what else. Some marriages make it through and become stronger than before, but they're not the norm.

And although there isn't an excuse for a wayward H or W engaging in an affair, it happens. Sometimes unhappy spouses get so caught up in their pain that they react, to the detriment of all.

As an aside, a relative committed suicide not long ago. She didn't leave a note, so we don't know the real reason why. The family speculates that unrequited love was the reason. This loved one seemed to be the most stable of the family, most spiritually grounded. She had four kids and a good job but a husband who emotionally abused her then left her for another. This was the love of her life. I guess she couldn't live without him (once he finally said he was divorcing her, that is. As long as they were still married, regardless of who else he may have been with, there was still hope.), so she shot herself in the head. Not all As will lead the BS to attempt or think of suicide. But almost all As, of whatever sort, cause unspeakable - yet avoidable - pain.

Then why would you do it? If you know there's a W or H out there somewhere waiting for their spouse to come home - from your house, your hotel room or wherever you've been, why would you willingly hurt another person so much?

In college, my "fiancee" called (3 days before Christmas!) and told me he was breaking up with me for another woman. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," was his famous line. Schmuck. I maintain he did it so he wouldn't have to buy me Christmas presents.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't drive. I couldn't sleep, but all I wanted to do was stay in bed. "Awake" wouldn't be the word I'd use to describe my state at that time. "Walking comatose" is more accurate. Needless to say, I was devastated. I think back to how I felt and I'd hate for someone else to feel that way too.

OW, do you know what his W looks like? Is she pretty? Nice? Do the kids look like him or her? OM, is the H aware of you? If you knew the answers to these questions, would you feel differently and consider how you are hurting another person? Have you ever been cheated on? Or do you not care at all?

I'm curious to know where all the OW and OM have been that led them to where they are, and as importantly...where are you going from here?

I have been reading posts from Marriage Builders for a year or two and have never posted. I have done a lot of research on the topic of why spouses stray. Usually it is because intimacy and the feeling of being appreciated and needed are not being met. Some people just fall into a rut in marriage and want to know that they are special and still attractive to others. Most people do not intend to cross the boundary of marriage. Most affairs occur because 2 people have found a lot in common, are good friends and listen intently to this other person. Friendships change and become more intimate and before you know it you are in a predicament that you never thought you would be in... If anyone ever considers it I would yell and shout from the hilltop run for your life. It is not worth the pain that it causes to all people involved within the family. Sometimes you meet someone that you could be happy with for the rest of your life. The timing is wrong for you. You have a commitment and that is where your loyalty should be. The grass is not greener on the other side. You do not see this wonderful person when they are sick, having to help wash the clothes , pay the bills and take care of the kids. Life is not a bowl of cheeries. You are living in a fantasy world if you think this person is perfect. I assure you they are not. I personally went to a counselor during this trying time in my marriage to get rid of the guilt and to understand how our family got into this position. The counselor said that this happens more than you know. Forgive yourself. Choose to rectify your marriage and make it the best it can be. Sometimes not telling the spouse is a good thing. It saves them from a lot of grief and pain. In other cases it may be better to be honest and open and tell everything that has happened. It all depends on the people. On Valentine's day yesterday I thanked God for the progress my spouse and I have made. He was forgiving went to counseling because we were going to make this marriage work. We did not involve the kids. This was Mom & Dad's problems not theirs. I am thankful that they did not share in the pain that went on through the trying times. My spouse and I don't talk about the mistakes we have made. He never asked for the gritty details and that helped us to heal. Sometimes we don't know why we do things. Circumstances may have lead to it, situations in life, loneliness who knows. Just know that love is tough. It is worth fighting for.....treat your spouse with respect, trust and unconditional love and you will be amazed what comes out of the ashes. Love is patient and kind, not judgemental.
My boss once told me something that really made a lot of sense. People have affairs because something is not right in the marriage. It shows you that you need to pay attention to your marriage and work on making it better. Great advice. Good luck to all of those that are working to repair your marriages. Tell you spouse how much you love them everyday and that the elbow work you have done to repair your marriage was well worth it.

Hi, Gypsy-

I understand why people would want to have affairs. Every one of us has been tempted and maybe even "this close" to actually taking the plunge. But my question is a little different.

Wanting someone else besides your spouse, even loving someone else, is understandable. I've had umpteen chances to cheat, just this Saturday I met a couple cute guys while at lunch. But when it comes to passing the point of no return, I punk out. I can't do it.

I guess I'm curious how people let themselves cross the line.

The Today Show covered this topic (it's all over the news now. Have you noticed that?) And an attractive woman did a sting of sorts on how many married men out of 10 would sleep with her. They pixelated the mens' faces. And one guy said, "My wife would never know. She's at home pregnant." He'd only been married one month. What has he got, the four-week itch? Sheesh.

Another guy said, "You'd be the fourth woman I slept with...this week!" Who knows? Maybe these guys' wives cheated on them too, and now they seek revenge. It sounded pretty easy for them, unless it was all bravado. You know how guys talk trash to impress. Maybe I'm the freak.

I know how amazing it is that the news and programs who how low people are.....I think the majority of people would not take advantage of others when they have the opportunity. That is called self control and maturity. Unfortunately the Jerry Springer mentality exists in our media.
Love is not about hurting another person and satisfying your self. Love is about caring for another ahead of your self. The majority of people that I have known that have crossed the line within their marriages made a huge mistake.
They were not the type of people that you would consider slimy. Having 2 young teens I struggle daily trying to get them to imput good moral beliefs and ideas into their lives. They are bombarded with awful messages that are very unhealthy. As they say garbage in garbage out. We all need to make an effort to get back to the fundamental of being honest, reliable and loving again. And yes accountable. - Gypsy