Last year on Nov 8, 2001 I found out that my Husband of 6 years was having an affair for the year and the OW was pregnant. Well I decided to stand by my man and forgive him.

At first it was very hard for us to deal with the situation. My H was very in love with this woman and I knew it from the beggining and I still stayed. The holidays kind of floated by, I was trying to kill myself because I didnt understand why (still dont). I didnt follow all the advise this wonderful site has to offer and I do regret it. All contact between them remained the same, they talked on the phone and when I wasnt here she was , I was not aware of this until later. Well the baby was born in April of last year and he is now 6 months old. My H and the OW have a horrible relationship in that all they do is say hateful things to each other and argue all the time. The OW tells my H how bad he is for choosing to stay with his wife and this is the main cause of our problems.
Well again the baby was born in April and in July I found out she was pregnant again, and yes it was from my H and I still didnt leave, I cried and I couldnt understand why, I told him to get out of my life that I did not need him and all he has done is hurt me. Well needless to say she had an abortion and he didnt leave because he couldnt and he loved me was his reasoning. Since then things have gotten worse. My h and I are 27 and 26 so we are really young. We are high school sweethearts and we have been together for a long time. He has now decided that he wants to seperate because he feels like he is missing out on something. I of course feel like I just got slapped in the face since I should have left in the begginging but I didnt because I took a vow and I love him dearly. I tell him to go and find his happiness because god knows we are all tired of the same thing happening just at different times.
As far as I know they no longer do anything, but do you honestly think I believe that ? NO I dont. This is going to be the hardest thing I have had to do since a year ago and it will hurt and I will cry, but this to shall pass...

Thanks for listening to me , I am back to square one

Jessica

Oh, Jessica...I am so sorry. This is so heart breaking especially since you stayed and tried to work through it all.

So often over the past four years I wished I were just in my twenties instead of middle aged. At least that way I would have more time to renew myself and start over and begin a new life.

Do you have children of your own?

I'm glad you came back to the boards and I know if you stay, you will find comfort and healing and perhaps find your way back sooner. In the meantime, know you are not alone and we are here for you.

You are in my prayers, Jessica...stay close to God.

Catnip =^^=

We dont have any children. We have not been able to for the last 7 years. But 6 months with the OW and he now has a son. I find myself going back to that dark place I never wanted to be. I just want to be happy thats all I want. God hears me and he has given me more strenth than I could have ever asked for to endure what I have endured, and he will give me strength and courage to go on without Nick. It takes time, strength and faith. I dont pray for god to keep our marriage together, I pray for strength to deal with the issue at hand. I just need some encouragement thats all and I know I came to the right place.

Jessica

Jessica,

Oh Hon, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this again, especially after you've already taken so much and given so much.

Be strong Jessica and know that you've done your best to try and make it work. You have to believe something better is ahead for you, whether it be with a SINCERELY remorseful H or on your own. Take care of YOU!!!!

Dear Jessica

Half the battle is knowing what to pray for...praying for God's will, even though what we get might not be what we want, is courageous. The good news is that whatever comes of this will be wonderful because He is in control and He will bless you and bestow upon you His bounty for being faithful to Him.

What you are going through is the toughest thing you have probably ever endured, Jessica. From this point, there is no where to go but up.

I know you have that inner strength that will comfort you and get you through the dark days ahead. You have this site and all these people who want to help you through this, so make sure you check in regularly and post.

What is your support system like? Do you have a lot of friends and family there for you? Have you read all the Harley material?

Catnip =^^=

I need your help...

My husband left on Sunday and it has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I dont know if it is because of all I put into this and for him to leave either way. He says he has issues and wants to work them out by himself. He says he loves me and does not want me to lose hope. He wants me to wait for him to deal with his demons. I love him dearly, and I dont know what to do. I suggested counseling for us or just him many times but he always said NO!!. I tried Harleys principles but nothing. I dont know how to accept that this may be it, and I dont know how to be without him, I have been crying for 2 days now. I begged him to come back he said NO , he said he doesnt want to hurt me anymore, and this is the last time he ever will hurt me again. I pray every chance I have , I just want my husband back. Please help me!! Have any of you gone through this seperation? How did it turn out? I want to be strong and really take some seperate time, he wants to work on us from a distance and try to get back what we lost so long ago. And I cant seem to comprehend that, all I do is cry when I talk to him and that just pisses him off more. Please help me!!

Jessica

Jessica,

my heart breaks for you.

I just sent an S.O.S. email on your behalf to a BS who's gone through what you are going through and SURVIVED! In fact she's come out on top despite her situation.

She should be here soon. Meanwhile, you are in my prayers.

Z.

I found out 6 mos. ago that my H of 31 yrs. has been involved with someone for 5 years. I am so angry that I didn't realize it before June. After repeated requests to let him keep her as a friend only I finally left to think out what my future should be. When I came back I find him begging me to stay in the marriage and give him yet another chance to work it out with me. He really doesn't want me to leave and he doesn't want to be alone. He even forwarded me a copy of the email she sent him in response to his that she would not make a commitment to him yet again and would remain with her H. Am I just second best or did he really never intend to leave me for her and was hoping I would finally find out? I am so confused and am not sure that I should stay with him or not, but I do feel that I love him still. Help!

jessica,
I'm so sorry for your pain. Please remember God cares about you and knows you in ways no one else can understand. You are WORTHWHILE no matter what your H does or does not do. Someday you'll be beyond this. Be kind and gentle to yourself now, and try to get individual counseling if not marital counseling. You need support from people with good heads on their shoulders.

I believe in the Harley priciples but have not been in your exact shoes.

Prayers,
J, in recovery 4y and glad I stayed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jessicafl27:
<strong> It takes time, strength and faith. I dont pray for god to keep our marriage together, I pray for strength to deal with the issue at hand. I just need some encouragement thats all and I know I came to the right place.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jessica, you have said something really profound here. I had two pastors, one male and one female, each on separate occasions tell me that when it is said "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder" that because two people get married in a church by a pastor it does NOT mean that God has put that marriage together. Some marriages, no matter where they are performed, by whom, and in front of whom, are simply put together by man, not God. So trust and believe that God knows what you need before you really need it and continue to pray for the right way to go. If it is God's will then your marriage WILL survive no matter how many bumps and obstacles you have to surpass to get to where you need to be. If by chance your current marriage does not survive, then even though it is not what you want right now, take it to mean that this is not what God has in store for you and you can look forward to something much, MUCH better down the road. I am by no means telling you give up on your marriage, but recognize, realize, and understand that this is going to work out for YOU no matter what way this situation unfolds. God bless and be strong.

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 12:54 AM: Message edited by: nocontact4us ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jessica26:
<strong>I dont know if it is because of all I put into this and for him to leave either way.

=^^= Anyone who puts a lot of time and effort into a relationship and it fails is deeply disappointed when things didn't work out the way they thought or hoped they would. The emotional investment is so heavy when you take that risk to be vulnerable and to trust, opening yourself up to be hurt. It's such a risk...and with risk comes the chance that one of two things will happen. Either the risk paid off or it didn't. Regardless of the outcome, you have not "lost". Even if your husband leaves for good, you will have learned much about yourself, become stronger and perhaps more compassionate and probably have become a lot closer to God and more spiritual. You might learn what is right for you and what isn't, you might gain a deeper understanding of people and what kind to let into your life and what kind to avoid.

He says he has issues and wants to work them out by himself.

=^^= That could be translated as he is young and wants to enjoy the single life and wasn't really ready for marriage.

He says he loves me and does not want me to lose hope. He wants me to wait for him to deal with his demons.

=^^= And this could be translated that he wants to put you on ice until he has had his fill of experiencing life as a single person and wants the option to come back to you someday. The risk HE is taking is that you will eventually move on or meet someone else and won't be there for him when he is ready to come back.

I suggested counseling for us or just him many times but he always said NO!!.

=^^= People rarely want to enter into any kind of self-examination when they have their heart set on a lifestyle that finds marriage constricting or inconvenient and have their self serving ways exposed.

I tried Harleys principles but nothing.

=^^- Do you mean a strong Plan A? Then, perhaps it is time for a strong Plan B. This is where you take the risk of entering into a Plan of No Contact at all, allowing you to maintain what love you have left for him while giving him the opportunity to see what life is like without you. Sometimes this is a real wake-up call for the Wayward Spouse, other times it just lets them off the hook.

I dont know how to accept that this may be it

=^^= You'll find that it really isn't up to you to accept anything and that it will just come naturally in time because there isn't anything else you can do. If you pray and stay close to God, He will provide the comfort and solace you need to get through the dark days. God will guide His heart, too, and your husband will either give into God's will or his own. But, the good news is, as time passes, you will care less and less whether or not he comes back or not. So much of it is "time".

he said NO I want to be strong and really take some seperate time, he wants to work on us from a distance and try to get back what we lost so long ago.

=^^= Which never works. No one can work on a marriage alone and from a distance. It takes two people to want to repair a marriage and recover what was lost. It seems that he wants to buy time with you, put you on ice and have his cake and eat it, too. You have to decide what you are willing to accept and what is unacceptable. His behavior up until this point has shown you that he does not want the marriage right now. That's not saying he won't have a change of heart, but if you have put up with his behavior and his feelings of love for someoen else and stayed right there by his side, he has been able to enjoy the comfort ofnhaving you and the marriage while leading a double life with someone else. This has short changed you all along and left you with no life at all. You have been miserable and alone while being with him all this time and that is no way to live...you deserve far more than that, Jessica.

You have youth on your side and you are just starting out in life and have a thousand experiences ahead of you. My guess is that so much of your desire to keep this marriage together is fear of being alone and what will become of you. You know this marriage isn't serving you well at all and that you are not getting your needs met and living the heartache of being married to someone who is unfaithful and seems to want to play the field.

Now is a good time to shift priorities and just concentrate on yourself and what you need to do to change your life. Pray for guidance and God will lead you. You are in my prayers.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes when we have been left it feels as though we will never be whole again and everything seems and feels disjointed and unreal. We think our spouse is the only person in the world to complete us when in reality, sometimes (I believe) God allows people to enter and leave our lives as lessons, and sometimes soem people are taken out of our life because there is something better out there for us. If our spouse returns and we are still interested in recovery, then perhaps both people have learned the lessons necessary to rebuild their marriage into something far more connected and far more spiritual than ever before. Sometimes you just have to let go of all of it, get out of the way so God can work his miracles on both of you and the situation...let God bring you to where you need to be. Trust in Him. He is all powerful and knowing and knows what is best for you...there might be something better for you around the corner.

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wanttoworkitout:
[QB]He even forwarded me a copy of the email she sent him in response to his that she would not make a commitment to him yet again and would remain with her H. Am I just second best or did he really never intend to leave me for her and was hoping I would finally find out? I am so confused and am not sure that I should stay with him or not QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, we are hijacking Jessica's thread and you should open a New Topic to address your special situation so others can chime in and give their perspective. However, without knowing all the details all I can say is I am very sorry for your pain and what you are going through. A betrayal like this after three decades is always a huge blow because after all that time together, you truly are a part of each other. Whether or not he would have left you for the OW if she were willing and available is something no one would ever know since it sounds like she made the choices here. Is she pregnant or have an OC?

If you think your husband is back with you by default, you may want to ask him to join you in learning all about the Harley principles in rebuiding your marraige and find out what went wrong and start there. If both of you work together learning and studying and incorporating the Harley principles into your marriage, it will probably turn out that you'll both realize that your marriage is where you get your strength and your wholeness. Your husband might realize that his heart has been with you all along and the affair was just a hiccup. Start your own New Topic (thread) so the others can talk with you.

Catnip =^^=

Try reading here about Plan B. Maybe you could start reading here to develop a plan for rebuilding, esp. since he left? It's not too late to be a better you! Don't worry!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We dont have any children. We have not been able to for the last 7 years. But 6 months with the OW and he now has a son. I find myself going back to that dark place I never wanted to be. I just want to be happy thats all I want. God hears me and he has given me more strenth than I could have ever asked for to endure what I have endured, and he will give me strength and courage to go on without Nick. It takes time, strength and faith. I dont pray for god to keep our marriage together, I pray for strength to deal with the issue at hand. I just need some encouragement thats all and I know I came to the right place.

Jessica </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jessica, I don't have much more to add except I will join you in prayer that you will find the peace you so desperately want.

It will come.

We don't always know why what happens to us happens and may well never know.

Just keep the faith and follow Plan B.

Keep on working on you.

love
Debi

Dear Jessica,

Allow yourself to grieve. Even though your H has not closed the door on marriage, you have lost a lot. Nothing is more painful than suffering through infertility for so many years and then having another woman conceive your H's child during an affair. I have been there and know first hand the feelings of inadequacy and betrayal that go with that discovery.

If your H was looking forward to being a parent, his mind may be temporarily clouded because he is torn by these two different worlds. I am sure he loves you, but it sounds like he is still in a fog and needs some time to pull himself together.

Don't lose hope, Jessica. And allow yourself to grieve. A marriage going bad is just like the death of a loved one. You must allow yourself to grieve and feel the anger and hurt. With each passing day, you will find yourself getting stronger.

I would encourage you to read as much as you can about relationships and personal development. The internet is full of resources and the bookstores and libraries have excellent texts on developing yourself into the person that you are -- the strong, confident, self-sufficient one that is hiding deep inside of all of us.

It is particularly difficult that you are going through this at this time of year. Try to fill your time with friends and family. Try to find the reasons to be thankful even though it seems to you right now you don't have any. And please try to take comfort in the fact that many of us on this Board have been exactly where you are now and whether the marriage survived or not, we have all become better, stronger, more confident people able to take what the world throws at us.

You will find your inner strength, Jessica. It is too soon right now, but give yourself a bit of time -- it's there. I will remember you in my prayers. Make sure you write to us whenever you need to, there will always be someone standing by to help.

love,
heavenly

He came last night to talk. He says that all this is about the baby. He loves his son dearly and wants to spend every waking moment with him, but doesnt want to leave me either.

As far as how I am doing? horrible. I cry for everything, I think of good times even bad ones, I smell his pillow, I beg him to come see me, I am at a low right now and although I know I am worth much more than this, It still hurts. He was supposed to come over today and stay for a few days but he decided that it is to hard for him to do that because he sees my pain and he doesnt want to put himself through this over and over, he tells me to give him time to sort out this mess but he doesnt want to lose me forever and if he thinks he does he would rather not have his son. I tell myself to be strong, make him belive I am ok without him, but all I need to come crashing is talk to him, come home to an empty house. And when he doesnt get here at the time he used to I have nothing to do. Im sorry, I am crying now .. well thank you all for being there and all your kind words.

Jessica

Jessica,
I just wanted you to know I am thinking about you. Even though my dday was 18 months ago. I sort of had another dday 3 months ago. My H left also to sort out his life. I understand the empty house. 6pm comes and it seems my life comes apart.

Please keep posting here, these wonderful people helped me so much during these trying times.

If you feel the need to email me, I would be happy to chat with you.

Tina

Dear Jessica and Tina,

I don't have anything to add to what I have already said tonight. Just wanted to send hugs to you both and hope that you will get some comfort from knowing that so many of us have been in your shoes and have survived it.

God bless you both.
love,
heavenly

Well, last night H didnt come over to talk about anything after all he said that he was going out with some friends from work and would be over in the morning so we could spend thanksgiving together. I said ok and have fun this was about 8:30 pm. So I called him right back to tell him not to drink and drive and if he gets drunk to call someone to pick him up, anyway when I called his cell phone was off... SO I WAS FURIOUS!!! I could not comprehend why his phone was off if he was going out with friends. So I looked up OW new apartment address and decided I had to see for myself if he was lieing to me again. While I am doing this he calls and tells me to go stay at my sister in laws for the night so I wont be alone, he says his cell phone is on and he is on his way to the party. (((DUMB ME))) believes him and goes to SIL's house, well I feel asleep , I was exhausted of 3 days of hardly any sleep and still working full time, I woke at 3:53 am and decided I was going to go to her house NOW. He had been telling me he was staying with a male friend until he decided if he was coming back or not, well I drove 30 minutes to her apartment and luckily there was no gate code , all the way over I cried because I knew in my heart what I was going to find. So I see her truck and low and behold two spaces down, My H's truck. This is where the strength and peace I have prayed for came into play. I didnt cry, I didnt get angry, I stayed calm and just sat there and stared at his truck, so then I got brave enough to call him, 4:30 am no answer, I called her apt , no answer, I paged him 911911 no return call, they were probably nice and snug and warm in bed. So I decided that I would write him a letter and wish him well and say goodbye. Now remember my H doesnt want to lose me completly he wanted to turn me into the other woman while he played daddy to his son. In the letter I told him I was thankful for the good times and the bad times for the last 12 years, I said that I understood why he was choosing to be with his son. I told him I would have wanted him to be honest and upfront with me from the beggining but he couldnt, I also told him I was happy for him, because he finally got what he wanted- his family. My letter also said although this has happened I am truly thankful for many things in life, I am thankful that I am alive, I am free, I have known and experienced love. My letter also stated I did not want any type of contact with him, no phone calls, emails, notes, etc. I then got off my car and placed the letter inside his truck on the drivers seat. I would have preferred to tell him in person but it was 4:52 am and I am sure he was sleeping. I closed with I love you, and I am going home.

As my previous posts say I pray for strength and god has provided, I think he has wrapped his arms around me because I am ok. I know that some of you may think this is way to soon but hey I have been let down for over a year now. One day at a time is all I can do and today is day #5.

He may miss me , He may not. But I am ok, I am ready to heal and be happy again. It has been a long road yet and there is still a long road ahead. My family, many friends, this board even inlaws are my support system. They all love me and want what is best for me and when I need someone they are there.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!! I will try to myself.

Jessica

<small>[ November 28, 2002, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Jessica26 ]</small>

Dear Jessica,

Sending you a giant hug this Thanksgiving day.

I think you are calm because your mind knew the answer but was waiting for your heart to follow. It is so hard letting go of someone you love. The emotions will be up and down, there will be good days and bad days, but you will deal with them one at a time.

Your putting your foot down may prove to be the wake-up call that your H needs to finally decide what is in his heart. And that may still very well be YOU.

From the ending of your post, you have a lot to be thankful for -- good friends, wonderful family -- an excellent support system -- and us here at MB.

My best wishes and prayers are with you today.

love,
heavenly