My husband has just figured out that the O/W is very troubled. He feels responsible but thinks somehow he can help her. I try to tell him that he has buried her deeper in her troubles by being involved with her and the greatest help would be to back off and let her husband and family come to her aid. He talks to me about these things and it hurts but I love him and my commitment to him is very deep. I know he trusts me but he refuses to act on anything I tell him. I know he has to be ready for help and I have given him the resources such as a name of someone he can trust and talk to besides me. I can only pray now and stay out of his way. I have tried everything but I cannot walk away from him. His heart is breaking. Any ideas to help me stay strong??? Thanks ahead of time for any help. I need to help myself...can't do anymore about him.

hello, and welcome to mb,<BR>I would venture to guess that many ows are quite troubled people. They have a lot of personal issues that need attention, and while your h may want to take credit, seems that she had troubles before he appeared on the scene.<BR>It is pretty clear form your post that you realize that you cannot change another person. But how to get him to see that? You said he talks to you but does not listen to your responses? Are you sure? Maybe he does not act on them as soon as you would like, but I would bet he is listening and retaining some of it. I would keep trying to reach him in some way...maybe a new apporach? Maybe something lighter, like an outing, dinner, a hike? Maybe the serious talks are what he has with her and he needs something refreshing to make the lightbulb go on?<BR>Ideas to stay strong? I vote for exercise as the number one. It makes one feel invigorated and does great other little things like tone the bod, work the heart, reduce stress! It keeps the mind spirit and body together and functioning as a unit. I also had great success staying strong by reading and trying to understand new philosophies in life. Use the time for self growth! It is amazing to feel the healing powers that you have inside.<BR>Lastly, the gripes are best kept away from h if he is too stressed! No I did not say to coddle him because I do not beleive in that. Just use your judgement when to raise issues and when it would be best left unsaid! Afterall, we have quite the gripe groups on here some nights since there are many of us that save the crap and let it out here!<BR>I am not familar with your story, so please correct as needed!!

Thanks cl! Everything you have said is what I am getting from my frequent retreats to prayer and self examination. I have truly grown thru this worst/best experience of my life. I did move out so he could "sort" things out. His big thing now is that he cannot commit to me, so it must be all or nothing in his eyes. I have been excluded from all his activities with the exception of his phone calls and occasional visits either alone or with his boys. We have had both serious and light times together, but mostly he is very down and my attempts to lighten things are in vain. He used to be so light and silly and affectionate. The radical change in his personality is devastating to me. He is still lightly affectionate...no passion. I ask why he comes to me when highly upset and he says because he likes to talk to me, I tell him the truth and I am his best friend. In my mind, that's what a wife should be. Believe me, the "rest" of what was a passionate relationship would not be lacking either if he would return it to me where it belongs. He was a dream of a husband and I must think that all this has evolved from the death of his dad, his mom's companion and extreme overwork in the last year. He is at that midlife crisis time to boot.<BR>What he means to me is worth walking thru the fire. The hard part is accepting that should he get well, he still won't want me as his wife.<BR>I truly appreciate your response, it has buoyed me up for yet another day.